Thread: Lawmen

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    #11
    Mr. Hollywood Blaine's Avatar
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    Interesting story. This one had some promise. It had what I would consider a major plot hole, though. Luke had supposedly murdered people and he's sitting in a town jail cell for the past three years. Frontier justice in the Old West would have had him judged, convicted and then hanged from the neck until dead. At the very least, he should have been in a penitentiary. He'd have never been there for so long.

    Next, it seemed just a little too easy for the kid to break him out, especially, since he came through the cell block with other guards.

    I like the relationship you built between Luke and Ed. I especially liked how the kid didn't know the truth about Luke and his own father. I'd have liked to known more about the original crime...the why and how of it. But you've got quite a bit crammed in your 10 pages now so perhaps that's a story for another day.

    Oh, one other thing. I find it a bit surprising that Ed didn't have a gun, particularly since he was breaking a man out of jail. But that's not a biggy, just surprising.

    I think some of the dialogue could have been tightened up a bit. Just go through it, perhaps you and your friend reading the parts and tighten everything up where it might feel wordy or unnatural.

    There seemed to be a little too much exposition at the end. I think with a little creativity you might be able to overcome that.

    It was a quick read, though, and kept me reading to find out was going to happen. Overall, I think you should be fairly happy with this as an early draft.

    Good job.


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    #12
    Senior Member Russell Moore's Avatar
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    This works well as a good dramatic story and it kept my interest til the end. The action, descriptions nicely written and it flowed well.

    I had a few minor nitpicks, but they've already been addressed by Blaine as far as 3 years in a small town jail etc. and the exposition at the end.

    I liked the characters that you created, especially Ed and I was really rooting for the kid. A nice turn of events when he finds out about his Dad, really good dramatic turn.

    I enjoyed the read, nicely done!
    the writer formerly known as "Conlan Forever"

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    #13
    Senior Member TimCollins's Avatar
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    This was a good one.

    Well written and formatted, no nitpicks there.

    I liked the overall story. I felt like I understood and was behind Luke's character at the beginning until he got out of jail and started turning bad again. Then Ed took over as the hero.

    One thing I wondered about is why Luke just keeps talking calmly as he is being shot at. I guess it's hard of his insanity and disconnection from reality.

    Anyway, good story well told!
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    #14
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    Hi again! I've been doing re-reads on scripts and just to say, I'm starting to get the darker tone better, second time around. Agree that both the action and the dialogue could do with pulling in... Luke especially would come across tougher with more scant/terse lines.
    But, I'm liking even more on 2nd read.


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    #15
    Member xxrotinivol2's Avatar
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    I enjoyed the read. There are a few things that make this script stand out to me. You've made a serious story, with a core group of characters, all with logical motives for doing what they do. Ed is the kid whose in over his head, Luke has a fitful of rage, and Rose is saddened to see Luke back.

    My only qualm, and it's small, is that I want to know more about Rose's feelings for Tom, and why she wouldn't do something to stop the murder she knew would happen to her current husband. She knows Luke just fine. I want some sort of interchange between her and Ed about making sure he doesn't do too much. Was Tom having an affair or something that made it so Rose didn't love Tom? I'd like some support there.

    It's nice reading a solid Western-drama that has a good deal of action that's vivid but not over the top, and characters that make sense. Luke Jr. is going to have an interesting time growing up when the legend spreads. Good job. Fun, easy read.


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    #16
    Senior Member MrKilloran's Avatar
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    Very engaging and enjoyable read.

    Great characters and their motivations are laid out precisely and clear, would have liked a little more about Dan and Luke's history.

    I've got to agree with Blaine on the exposition and loophole but its some good work.


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    #17
    Senior Member seansshack's Avatar
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    Solid work. Formatting and structure was spot on. Character development was very good also.

    I have a concern with parts of the plot/story but from what I have read on this thread, I've been beaten to the punch.

    In all enjoyed it and professionally presented.

    Well done.


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    #18
    Senior Member REHov520's Avatar
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    Yeah, I was aware of some of those plot issues going in....I guess I was just hoping people weren't smart enough to notice them. But I guess not. I decided on three years because it seemed like a short enough time to keep Luke in jail for realistically, but long enough to put some distance between the current and past events. However, since a number of you called me out on it I'll work to change that up. I'll also try and smooth out that terrible expository line at the end from Rose. I struggled to fit this one down to 10 pages and that line was the result of that struggle.

    Thanks!


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    #19
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    Great beginning and a pretty funny opening line! The dialogue at the start was so good that it sucked me in right away. I love the fact that Ed's trust in Luke came completely from what his father had told him. It set up the perfect emotional betrayal and it's well told in these few pages. We go through this betrayal with Ed because Luke seems really likable at the beginning of the story. I know it's hard to get into Tom Elm's story but I think we really do need a little more about his nature to get a feel for what kind of a person Rose was.


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    #20
    Senior Member jamiejay's Avatar
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    i like the opening piss scene... funny. though i can't figure out why luke would want piss... lol

    the story was well told. there was an interesting dynamic going on there. though, for some reason, i kept expecting ed to have some ulterior motives for helping luke escape. not sure why.

    i did find it hard to sympathize with rose since she was having an affair with someone who seems like a complete jerk himself...

    on the whole, however, it was a good script with a lot of potential.
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