Thread: Lawmen

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    #21
    Senior Member leepback's Avatar
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    Late in here. Probably echo a lot of what has already been said.
    Mostly well written but a bit unclear motivationally.

    I'd like to know what caused LUKE to turn into such a badass from a nice husband/lawman.

    I know it's difficult to fit in 10 pages but you could loose the bit about the gun handover ceremony - it doesn't really achieve anything plot-wise as far as I can remember.
    "Guitar Hero" short film

    "Gunplay"which kid has the fastest draw?
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    #22
    Senior Member arroway's Avatar
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    the opening scene is great. moves along very quickly, takes you immediately into the story.

    "Sitting beside him Ed can barely hold himself
    together, his foot nervously tapping to the beat of his own
    anxiety."

    nice line.

    "LUKE
    I want a night alone with my
    family. Come by in the morning"

    awesome.

    i love how he doesn't let them plead their case and doesn't go on some boorish spiel before killing them. he just does it. that's the old west in a nutshell.

    "ED
    Tom Elm didnít kill those
    prospectors, did he? Luke did."

    i don't understand how he suddenly knows this. i also don't understand ed's initial motivation to help luke escape, the reason that he was his late dad's friend seems a little thin...


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    #23
    Senior Member REHov520's Avatar
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    Thanks arroway!

    The reason he broke Luke out was not only because it was his dad's friend, but also because he believes he was innocent and wrongfully imprisoned. You're right though that it's sort of a stretch for him to suddenly realize this. I was trying to show that Ed thinks of Luke as this perfect law-abiding sheriff, but after he kills Tom so cold-bloodedly he suddenly realizes his perception of the guy is all wrong. But you're right...he should have more concrete evidence that he's innocent before he tries to put him back in jail. I wanted to fit another scene in there to accomplish this but never got around to jamming it into the 10 pages.

    Thanks!


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    #24
    Senior Member arroway's Avatar
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    what if you mention that the original killings, each of the men had been disposed of in a two shot, heart-head combination and then when luke kills the three guys in front of ed, he shoots each of them in the same way?

    you'd have to change his rifle to a revolver and then have him give the rifle to ed instead of the pistol...


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