Lawmen

[REHov520]

I just finished a rough draft of this...it's about 2 pages over so I'll have to perform some trimmage:

LAWMEN
An idealistic young man breaks his father's old friend out of jail to help him take revenge against those who wrongly imprisoned him, and in doing so learns a great deal about who his father really was.

[TimCollins]

Welcome, sounds cool!

[lawriejaffa]

Sound like a classic yarn my friend - looking forward to it! Im one of those guys that likes a good solid story (without so many gimmicks and angles to it) So good luck!

[REHov520]

Since not many people were responding to my lame logline I decided to go all out and make the melodramatic poster which you now see above. I also added to the logline.

[Russell Moore]

I think the extended logline works, creates some mystery about the father/son relationship.

[jamiejay]

like the poster! good luck!

jamie

[NJPage]

Hiya! Loved your dialogue, it read very natural / believable Not to much gore, which I find (secret... a bit 'yawn' making). Overall your script made for a good solid read. Only crit. - a wee bit to much of an explanetary ending... But I liked it anyway!

[DarkElastic]

Hi REHov, I read your script and enjoyed the journey.

SPOILERS*

I thought is was well crafted with good dialogue and good characters. I think it was really brave to attempt quite a conflicting piece with regards to character development, especially ED who has to accept he was wrong and what his father told him was wrong. I think he could have done something when he was told by Rose that his father was involved in the murders, as he does love his dad and his reputation so it should be more soul destroying.
I think the ending is really satisfying and a great final statement.

Overall, a really strong script. Well done.

[REHov520]

hey guys,

thanks for the feedback. i agree that last line at the end is too explanatory...it used to be a lot shorter and vague, but then my friend read it and didn't really understand what had happened in the past, so i tried to make it more clear at the cost of making it obvious exposition. oh well.

i also agree that ed's reaction should be more "soul destroying," it's just at that point i had about a third of a page left before i hit the page limit. that's something i'd work on if i keep going with this.

thanks!

[lawriejaffa]

Righto! This was an intriguing coming of age story for ol' Ed, and the natural dialogue and mature drama - with its twist fell very nicely into place. This was quite a compassionate tale which places it in the minority of the nihilistic visions we've enjoyed this fest!

There was a tragic element to this piece too that was not overtly dramatised and so remained understated. This would lead to the piece being somewhat somber but the youthful energy of Ed keeps things moving along and from becoming too depressing.

With a drama like this we are not confronted with any particularly memorable villains or charactersr (in the pulp manner) its a straight drama and it does it well. The arc for Ed is fairly effective but more could be made of it (as thats the heart of the story.)

What is it the Ed finds to endearing about what Luke represents (probably his romantic memories of his dead father) - from seeing what Luke has become though, there is great potential in expanding on just how that affects Ed. Ed ends up shooting his father figure (he certainly would not have meant to do that!)

That change from realising Luke ain't great- and to arresting him - could do with a little more substance (as he's pretty balsy to try and arrest the guy after he spends the first half crapping his pants!) I mean after Shotgun Luke takes down those dudes, i would probably not be trying to arrest him myself - (most wouldnt) so Ed could do with more motivation perhaps. I mean its plausible as is - but there is some more 'journey' to be had with Ed that would give this short script even more oomph!

All in all, a very natural, solid, mature drama!