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    #31
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    yup... 'twas a good read, well written and I would have felt safe aboard with Rook Carver. It's funny, and maybe just the female (an old bird realy!) mind at work here, but I sorta got the notion that Rook and Rose had a wee bit of a past... and that's why he felt akward/guilty delivering the letter himself. Hey - a sequel... Rook and Rose marry... have kids etc... Sorry I'm not being facetious, just don't get out much. Also this is my first experience of script writing, therefore, alas, most of my 'feedback' will be reflective rather than technical, he-he!


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    #32
    Mod v2.0 Noel Evans's Avatar
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    Hey Chris. Well written. I like your descriptions from this and past scriptfests alike.

    You add the small things that make all the difference such as -

    His outline is punctuated by the pair of six-shooters
    than hang at his hips.
    Couple of small flow points made already, Ill forgo those, but add I thought they were rather minor.

    Couple of dialogue points that seemed a bit superfluous such as

    CHARLIE
    Yeah Skeet. Engineer tried to be
    brave and I had to gun him down.
    Just dont think he needed to tell him what happened.

    Enjoyed reading it from start to finish.

    There was one thing that bugged me. So who is Rook Carver? Samuel knows his name, Skeet knew who he was. But as the story played out, I got the feeling Rook Carver has a strong reputation, and he is not to be messed with. But also I got the feeling he is just not some outlaw, or brigand. But when he blows Bull's head off, I felt torn away from caring about him as a character. It was a merciless cold blooded killing.

    Then when Samuel delivers the letter I had the feeling he was just too weak to deliver the news himself. I dont think that was your intention, but after he killed Bull, I was a bit lost to who he was.
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    e: noel@noelevans.tv
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    #33
    Senior Member jamiejay's Avatar
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    good script!

    not much i can add that hasn't already been said. i loved the setting of a train and you have good western elements here. i liked the plot, though, like others have said, a brief explanation of how rose and danny are related to rook would have tied up some loose ends. i imagine, correct me if i am mistaken, that danny was his partner in fighting crime and that rose was danny's wife...

    i like how this bad ass isn't strong enough to deliver the letter himself... it says a lot about how much he cares about rose, but, at the same time, he is avoiding an emotional situation... he went through a lot to make sure she received the letter, but his work is not yet finished...

    i don't feel conflicted about him killing the outlaws, because, despite their claim that they are not killers, they clearly are... but, maybe, to make rook stand out as a definite hero (as i am assuming he is), the outlaws should come across as even more villainous...idk... just a thought...

    nice work!

    jamie


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    #34
    Senior Member MrKilloran's Avatar
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    Very good, I can see the scenes clearly through your great use of detail. Well paced.

    "A large figure steps into the doorway of the train office. ROOK CARVER, thirties, stands silhouetted by the sun. His outline is punctuated by the pair of six-shooters than hang at his hips."

    This is fantastic!

    SAMUEL
    Rook Carver? The Rook Carver?


    It works and it doesn't, I like the mystery and we definitely get that he has a reputation but no real sense as to what kind of reputation, bad or good.

    Probably just because of the 10-page limit but every now and then you need to break up your shots, the action just felt too cluttered together, for instance:

    "With all of his strength Samuel rams his heel into the top of Skeetís boot.

    Skeet screams in pain and lets go of Samuel.

    Samuel dives out of the way as Rook fires placing a bullet between Skeetís eyes.

    Skeet falls to the floor. Dead."



    Question, why does Rook wait so long to act if he's on the train?

    "Charlie doesnít even have time to look up before the gun fires carving a tunnel through his skull."

    Vicious, I loved it.

    A good read from start to finish, it felt classic and the ending is painful, how Rook is this infamous gunmen and can't bring himself to talk face-to-face with Rose, it seems to me he was ashamed of Danny's death.


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    #35
    Senior Member arroway's Avatar
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    nice clean writing style. good action. didn't really understand the ending (relationship of the characters in the letter) and i wish we had a little more time with the main character, perhaps seeing his wife help him get ready in the morning and have him mention the recent train robberies. the image of two gunmen holding human shields was kind of funny in a morbid way. all in all, i liked everything but the contents of the letter which i felt were a little extraneous and non-organic to the rest of the story. i think this script would actually benefit from a few additional pages clearing up the relationships mentioned in the letter.


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    #36
    Member Tormod's Avatar
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    I liked the action and dialogue, but I agree with Noel about Rook.
    I didn`t understand why he didn`t deliver it himself, but maybe I have to read it again to make up my own mind.

    But it`s a cool setup, and very well excecuted. The descriptions are great at worst and Awesome at best!

    Good job!


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    #37
    Senior Member preston's Avatar
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    notes as i read...

    love the description of ROOK CARVER.

    nice opening scene, good set-up. makes me want to keep reading.

    maybe let the conductor's dialog introduce CHARLIE LOWREY's identity, since we wouldn't know who he is from his looks... just a thought.

    so ROOK is on the train, i'm wondering why he gave SAMUEL the envelop if he was on the train himself.

    good action in the gunfight.

    why couldn't ROOK deliver the letter?

    -----

    good script overall; nice work.


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    #38
    Senior Member REHov520's Avatar
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    I like the story here, but the dialogue didn't work for me. It just seemed unnatural in a number of places, particular in the heat of the action scenes when people's lives are on the line yet they still find the time to speak in complete, explanatory sentences.

    I also would have liked to see more of a connection between the two central conflicts. To me it seemed like there are two different conflicts going on, the physical conflict of fighting the Lowrie brothers, and Rook's emotional conflict in delivering the bad news. It's cool that it shows a lot about Rook's character in that he's so good in dealing with one type of conflict, but bad at dealing with another. But at the same time, it makes the whole encounter on the train seem sort of tacked on and coincidental.

    I don't mind not knowing about Rook, but what I did want to know was why he picked Samuel to deliver the message. Was it just because he worked on the train and was headed in the right direction? Or did he know something about Samuel's personality that made him feel that this is the right man for such a job?

    Also we both have characters named Rose!

    Good job.


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    #39
    Senior Member leepback's Avatar
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    Enjoyable read.

    I'll address this as an audience member rather than the writer I'm not.

    I can understand why Rook doesn't want to send it by post....it's too important, but if I was Rook I'd go right to Rose's place and make a passerby give it to her (under instructions not to give away the fact that I was hiding nearby).

    I suppose the only bar to this happening would be that the passerby might need to be aware of Rook's reputation and thus carry out the deed but we have no indication how wide that reputation spreads.

    Thanks for the fun read.
    "Guitar Hero" short film

    "Gunplay"which kid has the fastest draw?
    WESTFEST (non-entry)


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    #40
    Knight of the Holy Order krestofre's Avatar
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    Well, we're winding down another excellent scriptfest. I appreciate everyone who took the time to read the script, and I appreciate everyone who took the time to comment on the script.

    I enjoyed writing this script and playing with archetypes. I think that came out to varying degrees of success. Some of you were doubtful of Rook's actions at the end, and for some of you Rook's actions at the end made you question his character. I really enjoy the varied reactions that the audience can have, and to some extent I leave questions unanswered for the single purpose of allowing different reactions.

    A lot of the advice given was extremely helpful and has made this a better script because of it. Once again, thanks to everyone!
    Chris Johnson


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