Thread: Revenge

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    #21
    Member Tormod's Avatar
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    I liked it! Cool story and well written.

    I loved the dialogue/V.O. Good structure and I love the supernatural element in the end!

    Only gripe is the flashbacks. It just didn`t feel right, and I didn`t feel it added to the story. I like the last flashback when they stand in a circle around him, but I felt the ones during the shootout just ruined the flow of the scene.

    But a really cool story and it was great. it really was!


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    #22
    Senior Member seansshack's Avatar
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    Cheers.

    I felt the flashback were needed to visually convey his story and journey.

    With stylish white (dare I say "smash cuts") it would make the shoot out a more of a emotional/visual experience - rather than having him talk about it in voice over.

    We need to experience that "dreaded" moment with him to make it much more than a bullet flying experience.

    Thanks again

    Sean


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    #23
    Knight of the Holy Order krestofre's Avatar
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    I think this script works really, really well. Sean, I think you've grown the most as a screenwriter since these scriptfests started. This is your best effort to date.

    ***SPOILERS***

    "This round's on the sheriff" Excellent line!
    Chris Johnson


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    #24
    Senior Member seansshack's Avatar
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    Thanks man. Really means a lot when the hard work is noticed.

    This script was a lot of fun to write as it contains a lot of story, action and drama into such a short running time.

    It ended up being something I would love to shoot myself if I had access to the resources to do such.

    Thanks again for reading and commenting.


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    #25
    Senior Member nouou's Avatar
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    wow

    you structured this really well. the action was very accurate and didn't confuse me at all. i've only read a few, and no disrespect to other writers, but this is my favorite script thus far. a tip of my hat to you, sir.


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    #26
    Senior Member seansshack's Avatar
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    Thanks. Kind words indeed.

    Much appreciated.


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    #27
    Senior Member Russell Moore's Avatar
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    Very good! I thought everything worked.

    You really wrote the action well, it flowed nicely and was always clear as to what was happening.
    You did a great job of using V.O., and flashbacks, intercutting them throughout. Its no easy task to use all those elements and make it work, but you did it.

    The story had emotional impact and that gave all the action more weight. I liked the ending twist and it basically turns out to be a happy ending.

    Great work Sean!
    the writer formerly known as "Conlan Forever"

    Need a short script?
    Have an idea? Want to collaborate? Contact me.

    screenwriter75@yahoo.com


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    #28
    Senior Member seansshack's Avatar
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    Thanks man. You seemed to catch all the elements I had in there - which means they worked.

    Thanks again.


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    #29
    Senior Member lawriejaffa's Avatar
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    Hey there man!

    This is a solid piece of work - but i think in part a little bit unoriginal but that is quite subjective and id like to talk about what i think rocked about it first. The voice over is well executed, the general atmosphere and descriptions are really exciting - and the macho ness of the hero is god like! The twist at the end is okay but seems a little tagged on for my liking.

    The style of this story and its characterisations are brilliant - I love it and would love to see this get made into a short. But it is in my book a little circumstantial in some respects and that can make some of what occurs seem slightly superficial.

    So our hero takes revenge after he is betrayed (the reason why in the script is basically nihilism, but i think it needs more you know?) There is a lot of macho style in the voice over - but it lacks depth. We basically have our hero flexing his muscles for 3 pages saying 'I AM GONNA KICK ASS AND CHEW BUBBLE GUM - and im alll outta gum!'

    In a way this kind of reminded me of the movie remake they did of Yojimbo 'Last Man Standing' with Bruce Willis - where as Yojimbo and its depth (lost in that particular remake) is perhaps just the dose this script needs. Because with some depth (beyond the simple revenge and circumstantial ghost ending) this combined with the brilliant writing for the fights, style and characterisation would make this as kick ass as our heroe's gun toting ability!
    Feature: LORD OF TEARS - A New Legend in Horror - Pre-Order Now http://www.lordoftears.com/


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    #30
    Senior Member seansshack's Avatar
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    Thanks.


    Spoilers

    Wouldn't agree it is tagged on as he didn't know he was dead.

    He was so driven by revenge he felt he had forgotten how to live as explained in the final scene with the badges. But in fact he was so driven he forgot how to die....

    Thanks for reading and comments.


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