Thread: Scarred Cross

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    #21
    Senior Member Russell Moore's Avatar
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    lawrie - You've raised some good questions and made some good points. It's definitely made me consider expanding on the character and the script. I can definitely see giving the priest more depth and some other characters as well.

    rachel - Glad to hear you liked it, I appreciate you reading and commenting. I wanted to get some strong visuals in the beginning, so its good to hear that it grabbed you ;)

    Alex - Thanks for the comments. I was having some trouble editing myself and tightening up the descriptions. I felt like I had made progress on my 2nd script 'Jon's Fall', but on this one, I couldn't seem to find the right words on a lot of this.

    I knew that opening sequence with no dialogue would be a challenge and I was a little concerned with the execution.
    I do feel the man's hair and beard is essential, as it implies who he may be. Maybe the crown of thorns is enough?

    Mel's pink/rainbow print nightgown. I did want to imply she was a like a little girl, but I can see that it was probably more than needed, given the other details.

    I can see how you re-constructed action and it helps a lot. Your advice is invaluable.
    I look forward to the rest of your review. Its much appreciated.
    the writer formerly known as "Conlan Forever"

    Need a short script?
    Have an idea? Want to collaborate? Contact me.

    screenwriter75@yahoo.com


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    #22
    Senior Member alex whitmer's Avatar
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    He climbs on top of Mel, pushes her nightgown up.

    *You never really say what he’s doing, though I can imagine. Be specific.

    This ...

    INT. MOTEL BEDROOM - MORNING

    The room is cheap and small.

    *Cheap and small is enough. We already know it’s a room.

    This ...

    She opens her eyes and takes a slow, deep breath. Wipes
    away tears with one hand. The other hand finds its way to her inner thigh and rubs the faint scar of a bite mark.

    She tosses off the sheet and sits on the edge of the bed, wears army green boxer shorts and a white tank top style undershirt. A tattoo on her left shoulder of a SKULL with a LIGHTNING BOLT through its head, the word RANGERS beneath. A silver cross and dog tags hang from her neck.

    *The first paragraph says ‘her hands finds its way to ...’, but the next says she tosses off the sheet, so how did we see what her hand was doing?

    *Maybe mention she is under a sheet in the first action block.

    *Try something like ...

    INT. MOTEL BEDROOM - DAY

    Cheap and small. Mel, her hair now short and choppy, is asleep in bed under a sheet, clutches a pillow.

    Mel opens her eyes and takes a slow, deep breath. She wipes away tears, then sits on the edge of the bed.

    She sheds the sheet to reveal army-green boxer shorts and a white tank top. A tattoo on her left shoulder of a SKULL with a LIGHTNING BOLT through its head, the word RANGERS beneath. A silver cross and dog tags hang from her neck.

    *120 words down to 90.

    This ...

    A door opens slightly and a boy pokes his head into the room. MARK, 13, short brown hair, neatly combed.

    *Not sure why you wouldn’t just intro Mark without usinf ‘a boy’

    A door opens slightly. MARK, 13, short brown hair, neatly combed, pokes his head into the room.

    Page 2

    INT. MOTEL ROOM - MORNING

    *We are already in the motel room. Is it an open floor plan? If so, why do you need this new slug. If not, then it’s not small as stated.

    This ...

    Mark in jeans and a plain button down shirt, sits at a small table in front of the window. A blonde girl, APRIL, 28, soft and pretty, in an oversized t-shirt and fuzzy slippers stands at the stove.

    Need a comma after Mark.

    *Lose ‘a blonde girl’. Also, you don’t need to be so specific with ages. Late 20s is ok, unless there is a solid reason to mention exact age.

    *Should be ‘a window’ since this is its first intro.

    *Need a comma after slippers.

    Mark, in jeans and a plain button-down shirt, sits at a small table in front of a window. APRIL, 28, blonde, soft and pretty, dressed in an oversized t-shirt and fuzzy slippers, stands at the stove.

    This ...

    She brings a pan of eggs and bacon to the table and sits
    down in one of the chairs.


    *’in one of the chairs’ is pretty much a given. Unless there is something unique about it, leave that off.

    This ...

    An Interior door opens. Mel enters from the bedroom, her
    movements are deliberate, her stance rigid. She wears black combat boots, impeccably shined. Black pants and a plain long sleeved black shirt with a Priest's collar.

    *Well, I guess this isn’t so small if it has a separate kitchenette. Say kitchen door instead of interior.


    More to come ...


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    #23
    Senior Member Russell Moore's Avatar
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    Great stuff Alex. It seems so clear when you point it out. thanks
    the writer formerly known as "Conlan Forever"

    Need a short script?
    Have an idea? Want to collaborate? Contact me.

    screenwriter75@yahoo.com


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    #24
    Senior Member alex whitmer's Avatar
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    Page 2

    an old rebuilt Harley

    *And how do we know it's rebuilt?

    This ...

    Mark exits out of the door nearest to the motorcycle

    *Motels are so called since you can park outside your door. You can reword all this and consolidate ....

    EXT. CITY - MOTEL -- SUNRISE

    The Motel is small and dirty. The only vehicle in the parking
    lot is an old rebuilt Harley Davidson. A seat for two, saddle
    bags and a side car.

    Mark exits out of the door nearest to the motorcycle. He
    leaves the door open behind him and hops into the bike's
    sidecar.

    *First, both slug and first action mention motel. Kill that.

    *Door nearest?

    *Save 'sunrise' for the action. Keep slugs day or night.

    *Try ...

    EXT. CITY - MOTEL -- DAY

    Small and dirty. Morning sun glimmers off a Harley with saddlebags and a sidecar parked outside a room door. Mark opens the door and exits, leaves the door open behind. He hops into the sidecar.


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    #25
    Senior Member alex whitmer's Avatar
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    Page 3

    April blows him a kiss and waves. The two pull out of the
    parking lot and speed away.

    *This can be read as April and Mark pull away, but I know you mean Mel. Mark last addressed April, so to keep it clear, say Mel and Mark pull out ...

    This ...

    EXT. DOWNTOWN - SOUP KITCHEN -- LATER

    A small brick building. a line of people stand at the door.
    The poor and the homeless.

    *Does brick really matter? I think the condition is more important.

    *Poor and homeless? Kind of a given.

    *Typo on 'a'. Should be uppercase.

    Try ...

    EXT. DOWNTOWN - SOUP KITCHEN -- LATER

    A small, ramshackle building. A number of shabby people line up outside the door.


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    #26
    Senior Member Russell Moore's Avatar
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    I feel like I'm looking at my first script again. My second was so much tighter. Seems like I took one step foward and now two steps back.

    Its all good though, I want to learn as much as I can and really know it so I can improve my scripts. Really helpful Alex and thanks for taking the time.
    the writer formerly known as "Conlan Forever"

    Need a short script?
    Have an idea? Want to collaborate? Contact me.

    screenwriter75@yahoo.com


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