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    #11
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    Yah I got a little confused with this one - i mean it added some great mood and i did find the characters fascinating even if their philosophical musings seemed a little off at times?

    I'm not sure if the ending totally worked for me - in this kind of script we expect the girl to buy it and perhaps that predictability (given the unusual setting) is a little dissapointing.

    I think this could do a little bit more work (yeah right like who the hell am i to say that lol) ok so scratch that - so i do overall like this, but just feel it could do with a more satisfying ending and more sucinct dialogue
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    #12
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    I loved it!

    I didn't see the ending coming at all, as I was sure the murderer was Leo Darren until the reveal at the end. It was a pleasant shocker for me when he pulled the mask off. Also, nice pulpy move with Barlowe's name and appearance being similar to the famous Phillip Marlowe.

    Too bad the four-armed sabercat concept didn't work out. Maybe they'll have a feature-length fest in the future, and we can finally see the epic battle between the cat and the two-headed detective.
    ScriptFest III Entry - X-Elixir - Deep inside the Third Reich, American GI's Buck Masterfield and Paul Bolden take on a cadre of superhuman Nazis who are hellbent on world domination.

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    #13
    Senior Member CallaghanFilms's Avatar
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    Congrats on telling a solid short story that is complete and stands on its own two feet.

    It is your attention to detail that makes this world believable. I especially liked the bit with him smoking a cigarette to "get in the nostalgic mood".

    I loved the "draw-you-own-conclusion" aspect of the finale. Nicely played

    The dialogue was there, but was choppy in a few spots.

    All the same, this one really works for me.

    ***SPOILER ALERT***

    Favorite Line:
    "To you time travel is some magic fairy dust crap. But to someone like myself, it's just like taking a shi*. Once you do it enough, it becomes routine."


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    #14
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    Would tighten the voice over and dialog in a couple of places - bit wordy. Especially the voice over - page 4 is good example. It's a great tool for story telling, but if over used it can hurt more than help.

    At first I wasn't sure about your ending. But on a second read and think about it. It's cool. Like the genre/theme mixture overall. This could make a good short film. I'm a fan of time travel in stories, as it lets your imagination loose (writer and reader) and allows the story to go in different directions (if needed) - because you can make up your own rules.

    Solid script. Enjoyed it. I would consider another title (maybe) as thus gives away a bit too much (for me).


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    #15
    Senior Member MiataFilmSomething's Avatar
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    I really liked this story. I too thought that his other partner guy was going to be the killer. A very solid story.

    The descriptions were awesome, and it seemed like in some places too awesome. Writing really fancy words during descriptions and actions may possibly take away from the natural flow of the story and might make people not get sucked into it as much.

    But overall, a great idea. There's potential for more adventures with this concept. Good job!
    "...and knowing is half the battle. The other half is violence..."


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    #16
    Senior Member Russell Moore's Avatar
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    Good work. I really enjoyed this script. You did a good job of creating an original world.
    The dialogue sounded authentic. A good mix of the past and the future.

    I didn't see the ending coming myself. Nice twist. The end really works for me.
    Overall good writing.
    the writer formerly known as "Conlan Forever"

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    #17
    Senior Member Horncastle's Avatar
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    Well written and with a great twist at the end. I really did not see that coming. The points raised by others about the logic of the piece are valid, although that didn't really bother me while reading. Thanks for a good read.
    Jason


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    #18
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    i agree that there is so much you can do with this concept. i love the whole 12 monkeys, time travel aspect with a noir feel. i did see it coming, but not until he began chasing the killer, so it wasn't too obvious ahead of time and it still had the right effect. i was confused as to why he would need to murder her, but i like the story a lot. very enjoyable read. good job!


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    #19
    Senior Member Nektonic's Avatar
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    SPOILERS BELOW

    Thanks for all the feedback everyone. I am pleasantly surprised that this worked as well as it did what with the twist and time travel. Maybe not the wisest combination for a writer to tackle, but what the hell.

    THE WORLD
    As for most people's concerns and what didn't work for them, I agree with a lot of it. I really wanted to flesh this world out some more, but I'm glad that so far I've got a good basis to build off of. I have more story beats and ideas to add to fill out the story and the world. I want to flesh out the future world a little bit more, although not too much because it might ruin the mystique of it.

    THE OVERSEER'S MOTIVATIONS
    The reason that the Overseer wanted to kill Alice should've been explained. It is because of what she has done to one of his agents. The idea was that he was afraid that if other temporal agents wanted to save someone that by allowing Barlowe to do so would set a bad example. The future world that they live in is very rigid, so any hint of upsetting things is nipped in the bud so to speak. A few days ago I got the revelation that maybe the Overseer is using this as an experiment as well. He might want to study Barlowe's reaction to losing someone he loves. That Overseer is one sick individual.

    THE ENDING
    As for the twist ending dealing with Barlowe killing himself, it was worked out and does actually work logically. The problem is that I don't think I did a good enough job explaining it partly due to not enough pages. The way it works for those of you that didn't get it (not trying to insult anyone, I can totally understand your position), here is how it works:

    1. Barlowe goes back in time, falls in love with Alice.
    2. He goes to save her, chases her killer.
    3. On the bridge the Overseer orders the goons to scan Barlowe's mind then give him a mindwash. This is meant to imply that he will be re-cogged (reprogrammed) in the future.
    4. This re-cogged Barlowe is then sent back in time to kill Alice, and then is killed by the emotional Barlowe that he was before the re-cogging. Again that sick fu** Overseer probably planned all this didn't he?
    5. This works because the emotional Barlowe was stunned by the tranquilizer dart that struck him in the back after he shot his re-cogged future self. He was never killed.

    THE NARRATION
    The voice over got a little chunky in spots. Originally I had planned on doing this as a 20 - 25 page piece, in honor of the Twilight Zone, most of which were about that length without commercials. Doing that will give me some room to let the script breath and not be weighed down by narration in any one spot.

    As for the various things that influenced this story:

    -- Twelve Monkeys (and the basis for that film La Jetee)
    -- Old film noirs (duh)
    -- Alphaville (combination of film noir and sci-fi)
    -- The Twilight Zone (twist ending and dark sci-fi feel)


    I'm glad you all enjoyed it though, and even with the problems some had, it seems that the world and characters and basic plot hooked you guys in enough to read it. I'll use all the feedback the best I can. My ultimate goal is to make this like an original Twilight Zone episode, albeit with a little more byte due to the profanity.

    Look out for THE MAN FROM TOMORROW in the near future. Thanks again guys and have a Happy Holiday.

    -- Nektonic
    Last edited by Nektonic; 12-22-2008 at 02:05 AM.


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    #20
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    Cool
    This is one of my favorites. Maybe, because you want to mix your pulp story, like I did. You do a great job of mixing the sci-fi and detective theme. The twist in the end is so fitting.

    Best and grossest line, "...it’s just like takin’ a sh*t. Once you do it enough it
    becomes routine."

    Do get rid of the continued at the bottom and top of the pages. They're just annoying and no longer needed now that readers have figured out how to turn a page.

    Great Job!


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