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    #21
    Senior Member Nektonic's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chris_Keaton View Post
    This is one of my favorites. Maybe, because you want to mix your pulp story, like I did. You do a great job of mixing the sci-fi and detective theme. The twist in the end is so fitting.

    Best and grossest line, "...itís just like takiní a sh*t. Once you do it enough it
    becomes routine."

    Do get rid of the continued at the bottom and top of the pages. They're just annoying and no longer needed now that readers have figured out how to turn a page.

    Great Job!
    Thanks Chris. I too love films that are a mix of genres. Expect to see more of that kind of thing from me in future script fests.

    As for the continued at the bottom of each page, I don't like' em either. Celtx does it automatically and I just forgot to turn them off in the options menu.


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    #22
    Senior Member preston's Avatar
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    hey good concept... when the script said he had the same/similar case as Balrowe, i said "oh no... that's evil to send him back to kill his own girl."... a good twist- and i should've seen it coming; i first thought it was his buddy DARREN that was sent back to take her out.

    you packed a lot of story into 10 pages, so it did seem a bit rushed. but that's no biggie.

    it felt like a sci-fi story in a noir -type setting.. good read, and entertaining!


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    #23
    Senior Member Nektonic's Avatar
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    Thanks preston.

    I agree, it is a bit rushed at the end. I took a bit too long and luxuriated in the imagery and details of the setup. This works for me in the end though, because I am planning to expand this into the longer Twilight Zone episode length that it was originally intended to be. So my main concerns will be expanding the 2nd and 3rd Acts.

    I am a bit surprised that the character of Darren helps to hide the twist. I really never intended that to be the case when writing this, but when you think of it, doesn't it just make sense. One of those happy accidents that I can now hone for my own uses.

    Another new idea is that instead of having two generic goons standing with the Overseer at the end of the bridge, it should be Darren. The script never implies it, but it is assumed that one of the goons shoots the good Barlowe with the tranquilizer dart. I think it would be even more powerful to have it be Darren. It would also save time and energy with casting as well because I will end up reusing the same actor instead of having to cast two more people.


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    #24
    Senior Member preston's Avatar
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    yeah i agree, good call - have DARREN shoot that tranq-dart!


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    #25
    Senior Member themightyshrub's Avatar
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    Wow I really loved this! I didn't see the ending coming at all, but once it happened, it was very clear to me how the logic of it all works out. Maybe I just watch too much sci-fi.

    You write really well, and I love your style.


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    #26
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    Quote Originally Posted by themightyshrub View Post
    Wow I really loved this! I didn't see the ending coming at all, but once it happened, it was very clear to me how the logic of it all works out. Maybe I just watch too much sci-fi.

    You write really well, and I love your style.
    Thanks mightyshurb. Glad you liked it and that the end worked for you.

    I watch too much sci-fi too. But it's great.


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    #28
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    Thanks preston.


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    #29
    Senior Member ChrisHurn's Avatar
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    Pretty late here, I know...but I only read the script today, just wanted to say good job! Entertaining script, I could see visually all the scenes in my head and shots were coming to me the whole time, which was great, nice writing and good idea. Cool!


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    #30
    Senior Member Nektonic's Avatar
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    Thanks Chris. I was kinda surprised to see my script's thread reopened, but it was a nice surprise. Not to worry about a late read and review. Reminds me that there I need to leave some feedback on one that I didn't get to do so during the script fest due to the craziness of the holidays.

    Glad you liked the script. I'm currently working on expanding the story and concept beyond 10 pages, but it will still have the same basic plot.


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