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    #21
    Senior Member david jerome's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by preston View Post
    hey David... great way to start a short script! that daydream scene had me hooked right off the bat, so it worked. your concept is so simple, it's perfectly suited for a short....

    [SPOILERS]

    ....two killers, after spending a lifetime of killing, happen to end up riding in the same car down the same dusty road at the same time... while i didn't really see it coming, i wouldn't have expected anything less than a high-speed western-style shootout.
    it was like Anton Chigurh (no country for old men) picked up his hitchhiking clone. beer or shootout, flip a coin...

    great dialog from some interesting characters, brother.

    p.s.- i answered your question in my thread; post #24.

    I'm glad you liked it Preston. The first scene doesn't seem to be very popular but it is getting some attention. Anton Chigurh may have had some infuence on me. I love that character. The absence of fear.


    Quote Originally Posted by seansshack View Post
    Would intro the characters differently with caps and descriptions. I would also avoid the use of bold for scene slugs.

    The opening dream sequence threw me for six with that line... and the fact it read like it was tagged on and didn't add anything to the story. (even though the boots where in the scene) + the subject matter although a dream didn't fit with the rest of the story.

    But overall. Entertaining and fun story. Liked the ending a lot. Formatting and structure were good. Dialog was also well suited to the genre.

    Overall good story. Just lose the "am I watching a porno" opening scene...
    Thanks for the comments seanshack. I appreciate the input.


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    #22
    Senior Member preston's Avatar
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    that's what she said.


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    #23
    Member GrizzlyGuy's Avatar
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    Cool concept, cool story. A battle of evil titans in an El Camino, with one equipped with a flame thrower. Oh, and a soggy lizard. It just doesn't get much better than that.
    ScriptFest III Entry - X-Elixir - Deep inside the Third Reich, American GI's Buck Masterfield and Paul Bolden take on a cadre of superhuman Nazis who are hellbent on world domination.

    LossFest Entry - White Wilderness - Deep in the heart of the Sierra Nevada mountains, a man loses his way, wits and will to survive.



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    #24
    Senior Member nitramlehcar's Avatar
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    Ok, so pussies are your signature now, are they not? ;P

    Personally, I don't think boundaries should be an issue. They don't seem to be on my Netflix account anyway. If it's being written for the sole purpose of being shot, it can always be edited, but this is a writing contest, so I'd rather see others taking some risks too. It makes the reading a bit more interesting for those of us too lazy to write.

    Your entries are always one of my first reads/views, because I know I'm going to be in for something different.
    "Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition." ~T. Leary


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    #25
    Senior Member david jerome's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by preston View Post
    that's what she said.
    And here we ... go.


    Quote Originally Posted by GrizzlyGuy View Post
    Cool concept, cool story. A battle of evil titans in an El Camino, with one equipped with a flame thrower. Oh, and a soggy lizard. It just doesn't get much better than that.
    Thanks for the comments GrizzlyGuy. I'm glad you enjoyed it.


    Quote Originally Posted by nitramlehcar View Post
    Ok, so pussies are your signature now, are they not? ;P

    Personally, I don't think boundaries should be an issue. They don't seem to be on my Netflix account anyway. If it's being written for the sole purpose of being shot, it can always be edited, but this is a writing contest, so I'd rather see others taking some risks too. It makes the reading a bit more interesting for those of us too lazy to write.

    Your entries are always one of my first reads/views, because I know I'm going to be in for something different.
    Not.
    Thanks for reading nitra. I hope you write something next fest.


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    #26
    Senior Member Horncastle's Avatar
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    I thought this was very good indeed. The characters, dialogue and tension were all developed perfectly and there was a wonderful eye for descriptive detail such as the lizard. I agree that the dream sequence could be cut - it's not a question of crossing boundaries or not, it just didn't need it in my opinion (apart from the fest rules). Your story is just a little sketch, a moment in time, but that's OK. It could be part of something larger, though it's fine on its own too. Thanks for a really great read.
    Jason


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    #27
    Senior Member Russell Moore's Avatar
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    I like the opening scene. It just set the tone for me, though I can see how it might seem a little disconnected. Maybe if there was a hint in it somewhere that he was or wanted to kill her that would connect it.
    Anyway...that last line of dialogue that she delivered. I LAUGHED OUT LOUD, maybe because it surprised me.

    Great set up. Funny dialogue. The end was a bit abrupt, but I like them all going up in flames, the shoes included.

    Very, very entertaining.
    the writer formerly known as "Conlan Forever"

    Need a short script?
    Have an idea? Want to collaborate? Contact me.

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    #28
    Senior Member jamiejay's Avatar
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    now that i'm finished reading the scripts, i just wanted to come back by and say that your script stands out to me. i loved it! you are definitely never boring ;)


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    #29
    Senior Member Nektonic's Avatar
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    This was a very original story. And how you managed to transpose a noir sensibility to the sun-baked deserts of the American southwest is beyond me, but by golly you did it.

    Can't think of anything really wrong with this. Maybe let the tension between the two killers play out a bit longer? They could have some more small talk before they get into the discussion about killing? I don't know, these are some ideas.

    Great job though. I would love to see this produced. It has some cool visuals and a fun style.

    And I just had to do it in honor of your two killers demise -------


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    #30
    Senior Member david jerome's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Horncastle View Post
    I thought this was very good indeed. The characters, dialogue and tension were all developed perfectly and there was a wonderful eye for descriptive detail such as the lizard. I agree that the dream sequence could be cut - it's not a question of crossing boundaries or not, it just didn't need it in my opinion (apart from the fest rules). Your story is just a little sketch, a moment in time, but that's OK. It could be part of something larger, though it's fine on its own too. Thanks for a really great read.
    Jason
    Thanks for reading Jason.


    Quote Originally Posted by conlanforever View Post
    I like the opening scene. It just set the tone for me, though I can see how it might seem a little disconnected. Maybe if there was a hint in it somewhere that he was or wanted to kill her that would connect it.
    Anyway...that last line of dialogue that she delivered. I LAUGHED OUT LOUD, maybe because it surprised me.

    Great set up. Funny dialogue. The end was a bit abrupt, but I like them all going up in flames, the shoes included.

    Very, very entertaining.
    I'm glad the opening made you laugh. I agree that it could use something more.


    Quote Originally Posted by jamiejay View Post
    now that i'm finished reading the scripts, i just wanted to come back by and say that your script stands out to me. i loved it! you are definitely never boring ;)
    Thanks so much Jamiejay.


    Quote Originally Posted by Nektonic View Post
    This was a very original story. And how you managed to transpose a noir sensibility to the sun-baked deserts of the American southwest is beyond me, but by golly you did it.

    Can't think of anything really wrong with this. Maybe let the tension between the two killers play out a bit longer? They could have some more small talk before they get into the discussion about killing? I don't know, these are some ideas.

    Great job though. I would love to see this produced. It has some cool visuals and a fun style.

    And I just had to do it in honor of your two killers demise -------
    Thanks for the ideas Nektonic. I love love love the smilys. May they rest in peace. That is so sweet.


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