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    #11
    Senior Member david jerome's Avatar
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    Thanks for the comments Preston, Nektonic, Miata, krestofre, jamiejay.

    Quote Originally Posted by DarkElastic View Post
    Really enjoyed it mate - great names, good dialogue, good battle of wits, just a shame there wasn't more of a fight at the end. They both just seem to go up in flames. I am also the only person who doesn't get whats in his case?
    The case is a customized flamethrower. Slacks Man likes to burn things, people. Thanks for the comments.


    Quote Originally Posted by lawriejaffa View Post
    This is quite an entertaining script, but the first scene is utterly ridiculous lol. Honestly, tell me just honestly, how the heck is a director supposed to find a - oh wait...

    //spoilers//

    How the heck is a director to find a beautiful indian girl (unshaven of course...) to bend over at the start of the film?! I mean thats ridiculous lol at least put down something that a director can shoot. That put me off right away!
    Thanks for the comments. I actually wrote the script without the beginning part. I then realized that I had forgotten the dream sequence. So I wrote that in. I might take it out if I didn't need the dream. I kind of like it though. A little corny but it is a daydream. That's what Boots Man likes.


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    #12
    Senior Member lawriejaffa's Avatar
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    Yah lol but best to write something a producer/director would actually shoot - you want to show that you appreciate the boundaries that they have to work within! (Unless you seriously intend for a producer/director to actually film an explicit scene for the start of that short film?! Thats the difference between scripts and novels/short stories, is that your writing for a supposed production and in situations like that we can't necessarily be as self indulgent with our scenes just because our characters might 'think' that way if you get my point! I won't belabour the point.

    I really liked your script but not after the first scene, my director spider senses were going 'is this a joke? i couldnt film that?!' then only as i read on did i think - crackin' little script! The character could see the girl flirtily bend over - but WHY oh WHY would the audience need to see an indian girls unshaven vagina? Hmm?
    Last edited by lawriejaffa; 12-13-2008 at 05:47 PM.
    Feature: LORD OF TEARS - A New Legend in Horror - Pre-Order Now http://www.lordoftears.com/


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    #13
    Senior Member david jerome's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by lawriejaffa View Post
    Yah lol but best to write something a producer/director would actually shoot - you want to show that you appreciate the boundaries that they have to work within! (Unless you seriously intend for a producer/director to actually film an explicit scene for the start of that short film?! Thats the difference between scripts and novels/short stories, is that your writing for a supposed production and in situations like that we can't necessarily be as self indulgent with our scenes just because our characters might 'think' that way if you get my point! I won't belabour the point.

    I really liked your script but not after the first scene, my director spider senses were going 'is this a joke? i couldnt film that?!' then only as i read on did i think - crackin' little script! The character could see the girl flirtily bend over - but WHY oh WHY would the audience need to see an indian girls unshaven vagina? Hmm?
    I would have no problem re-writing the scene or cutting it out if needed to be. But I still don't understand why it would be a big deal to shoot it. If it's about boundaries I don't get it. If it's about what's best for the story I'm all for that.


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    #14
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    I think their issue is finding an Indian girl who shaves. Oh, man that was just creepy.


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    #15
    Senior Member CallaghanFilms's Avatar
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    I got a mini-Stephen King short story vibe from Ten Tumbles and a Boom (which is high praise coming from me)

    Honestly, it is a captivating story & would make a great short...
    but goddamn would the budget have to be high to do it justice!
    Maybe someone could animate it...it would be off the chart as a graphic animated short.


    ***SPOILER ALERT***
    I really dig the "purgatory" feel of the payoff.
    It works well as icing for this sick twisted cake you baked up for us.

    Favorite Line:
    "I guess that depends on how much they like killing, and how much they like beer."
    poo pooing classic.


    For your daily Callaghanism...follow Cal on


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    #16
    Senior Member david jerome's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by CallaghanFilms View Post
    I got a mini-Stephen King short story vibe from Ten Tumbles and a Boom (which is high praise coming from me)

    Honestly, it is a captivating story & would make a great short...
    but goddamn would the budget have to be high to do it justice!
    Maybe someone could animate it...it would be off the chart as a graphic animated short.


    ***SPOILER ALERT***
    I really dig the "purgatory" feel of the payoff.
    It works well as icing for this sick twisted cake you baked up for us.

    Favorite Line:
    "I guess that depends on how much they like killing, and how much they like beer."
    poo pooing classic.

    Thanks for reading Callaghan. You know, I never thought of it being an animated short. But now that you've mentioned it, I can totally see it that way. I think it's almost begging for it.


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    #17
    Senior Member MiataFilmSomething's Avatar
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    I liked the dialog with the people in the car. Had a cool tension and a Tarantino vibe to it.

    The dream sequence felt a little out of place for me. I don't know what it really had to do with the story. I'd also like to see some motivation as to why the killers want to kill each other, unless the point is that just some people like to kill, and two happen to meet up with each other. Which is fine, but even then, you want some sort of motivation for the kill.

    Neat read, though!
    "...and knowing is half the battle. The other half is violence..."


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    #18
    Senior Member david jerome's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MiataFilmSomething View Post
    I liked the dialog with the people in the car. Had a cool tension and a Tarantino vibe to it.

    The dream sequence felt a little out of place for me. I don't know what it really had to do with the story. I'd also like to see some motivation as to why the killers want to kill each other, unless the point is that just some people like to kill, and two happen to meet up with each other. Which is fine, but even then, you want some sort of motivation for the kill.

    Neat read, though!
    Thanks for the comments Miata. The dream sequence was just what Boots Man was daydreaming about as he was driving. He bought some boots from the Indian girl earlier that day and the daydream was a wishful exaggeration of that. The motivation for the killers is below.

    Slacks Man
    "The problem is, killing is an addiction. The high is so great that it can't be ignored. And I imagne for one killer to kill another in a sort of old west duel, well, I don't think it would matter if you liked beer more than your favorite pussy."


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    #19
    Senior Member preston's Avatar
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    hey David... great way to start a short script! that daydream scene had me hooked right off the bat, so it worked. your concept is so simple, it's perfectly suited for a short....

    [SPOILERS]

    ....two killers, after spending a lifetime of killing, happen to end up riding in the same car down the same dusty road at the same time... while i didn't really see it coming, i wouldn't have expected anything less than a high-speed western-style shootout.
    it was like Anton Chigurh (no country for old men) picked up his hitchhiking clone. beer or shootout, flip a coin...

    great dialog from some interesting characters, brother.

    p.s.- i answered your question in my thread; post #24.


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    #20
    Senior Member seansshack's Avatar
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    Would intro the characters differently with caps and descriptions. I would also avoid the use of bold for scene slugs.

    The opening dream sequence threw me for six with that line... and the fact it read like it was tagged on and didn't add anything to the story. (even though the boots where in the scene) + the subject matter although a dream didn't fit with the rest of the story.

    But overall. Entertaining and fun story. Liked the ending a lot. Formatting and structure were good. Dialog was also well suited to the genre.

    Overall good story. Just lose the "am I watching a porno" opening scene...


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