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    #21
    Senior Member preston's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by CallaghanFilms View Post
    Nicely done

    You painted a nice pulp mood using an array of atmospheric colors.

    The dialogue is clean, crisp - and you have what is easily one of the top (if not the top) dream sequence(s).


    ***SPOILER ALERT***

    My major qualm is the lack of (exposed) motive for the wife to pay big money to set him up. For instance: If she were rich (and infidelity was a pre-condition of the pre-nup) - then the payoff would be even more devastating. Seeing as then he would be left with nothing.

    That being said, I really enjoyed this baby alot.

    Favorite Line:
    "Guess you'll have to wait, girly."
    hey, sorry for the confusion about the money. it wasn't part of the wife's motive, it was just bait (supplied by the wife) to encourage Det. Heart to take the case. Regina just got a kick out of using the detective's own money to set him up.

    i tried to turn the tables (on the detective/femme fatale model) and have the detective -who makes a good living spying on cheaters- get caught with his pants down... and all it took was a call-girl and some cash.

    thanks for reading, and i'm glad you liked it.

    EDIT

    thanks for the "mood" and dialog props... i wasn't expecting much of that. also - the dream - i thought everyone would absolutely hate it. i was preparing for a torrent of boo's. thank you!
    Last edited by preston; 12-14-2008 at 07:03 PM.


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    #22
    Senior Member MiataFilmSomething's Avatar
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    Pretty good idea and storyline, but I thought it ended a little suddenly. I'd also like to see more motivations behind the husband and wife.

    Great classic feel though, and it seemed to flow well up until the end. You could have a lot of fun getting creative filming that cool dream sequence, too.
    "...and knowing is half the battle. The other half is violence..."


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    #23
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    Structure and formatting are solid. Nice clear tight descriptions. Dialog is very good also, straight to the point. Each character sounds unique (and well developed).

    Story flows well + like the ending.

    This read like a polish script that you had spent your time with. No glaring suggestion or problems from my end. (would only be repeating what others have said on this thread already).

    One of my favs. Well done.


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    #24
    Senior Member preston's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by david jerome View Post
    Great story Preston. Great twist. Did Gina leave him the money instead of giving it back to the wife because she liked him and hopes to see him again when he is single? Just curious.
    I have one major question for you. Have you seen my blue crab?
    thanks for reading, David. i'm glad you liked the story...

    [SPOILERS]

    to answer your question... Gina didn't leave him the money because she liked him - it was bait to ensure he would accept the case. she just thought it was funny that his own money was used to catch him cheating. i'm sure she was well-paid by her client- the detective's wife.


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    #25
    Senior Member david jerome's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by preston View Post
    thanks for reading, David. i'm glad you liked the story...

    [SPOILERS]

    to answer your question... Gina didn't leave him the money because she liked him - it was bait to ensure he would accept the case. she just thought it was funny that his own money was used to catch him cheating. i'm sure she was well-paid by her client- the detective's wife.
    I get it. I think what I am doing is thinking to the next day an trying to predict what the characters will be doing. Trying to predict that gives me different scenarios on how they would be treating the cash. So basically that means I'm interested in the characters and wondering about them doing things that haven't been written. Great job.


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    #26
    Senior Member preston's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MiataFilmSomething View Post
    Pretty good idea and storyline, but I thought it ended a little suddenly. I'd also like to see more motivations behind the husband and wife.

    Great classic feel though, and it seemed to flow well up until the end. You could have a lot of fun getting creative filming that cool dream sequence, too.
    hey thanks for reading... i would LOVE to shoot the dream sequence! as soon as i find someone who will let me take their DVX into chest-deep water, i'll do it!

    the wife's motivation was (hopefully) revealed in the final lines of the note.


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    #27
    Senior Member preston's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by seansshack View Post
    Structure and formatting are solid. Nice clear tight descriptions. Dialog is very good also, straight to the point. Each character sounds unique (and well developed).

    Story flows well + like the ending.

    This read like a polish script that you had spent your time with. No glaring suggestion or problems from my end. (would only be repeating what others have said on this thread already).

    One of my favs. Well done.
    thanks so much for the kind words, i'm glad to hear it's on of your favs!


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    #28
    Senior Member preston's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by david jerome View Post
    I get it. I think what I am doing is thinking to the next day an trying to predict what the characters will be doing. Trying to predict that gives me different scenarios on how they would be treating the cash. So basically that means I'm interested in the characters and wondering about them doing things that haven't been written. Great job.


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    #29
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    That was a fun read. I loved the twist at the end.

    I wouldn't change a thing about how you introduce the fact that he has a wife (late in the story). As you have it, the twist is hard to forsee and that makes it all the more fun to read.
    ScriptFest III Entry - X-Elixir - Deep inside the Third Reich, American GI's Buck Masterfield and Paul Bolden take on a cadre of superhuman Nazis who are hellbent on world domination.

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    #30
    Senior Member Russell Moore's Avatar
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    Very good story. Written really well. A good job creating the atmosphere and characters.
    You keep setting it up and setting it up for a twist, because these stories always do.

    But I never saw it going in the direction it did. Kudos for that. Good use of the dream sequence.
    Really nice work.
    the writer formerly known as "Conlan Forever"

    Need a short script?
    Have an idea? Want to collaborate? Contact me.

    screenwriter75@yahoo.com


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