Thanks to all of you for reading and for your comments, they are much appreciated.
Thanks for your comments - they have made me think. You are probably right about the bedroom scene dialog being stiff. I'm still having difficulty getting sufficient distance to judge - I expect it will be clearer in a week or two. I think I did need the bedroom scene though. I think I needed to build up the characters of the two thugs before they appear on the tug. I can certainly envisage that scene with Delroy looking through the absent girls' underwear. Maybe I could have made better use of that scene though? Perhaps I should have laid it on a little thicker?
I'm glad you liked the dream scene. I was quite pleased with how it came out too. I can see that you could envisage this as the real re-encounter, since Delroy's face stuck against the window would be rather effective. However, I think it needs to remain a dream: Natasha here is portrayed as young Angus' fantasy/dream. In reality she is not as clean and beautiful as this (though she might be in a month or two when it's all behind her), she doesn't have a silk nightdress and her behaviour is not as provocative as the dance and partial striptease suggest. It's the innocence of the sleeping version which is about to be violated in the actual re-encounter moments later which is the real Natasha. The dreamed encounter followed by the real encounter allowed me to build up the tension, let it go and then build it up a second time. I think my mistake here was in building it up better in the dream than in the actual re-encounter that followed it. The tension needed to be higher the second time around and maybe it wasn't.
Thanks for the compliments.
Thanks. I originally had a different title (No Money, No Documents), but Susanne, my wife and the writer director of Red Shoes, thought it was rather heavy and flat. She liked the name of the tug so suggested I should use Mersey Mabel in the title.
Yes, I grew up around boats so it's an area of knowledge I can put to use. Thug scene - see my comment to krestofre above. Longer stories with Jack? Thanks, you never know. Maybe I should try!
Mike, thanks. You maybe have a valid comment on whether the hero is Jack or Angus. It's definitely Jack, but maybe I didn't build him up sufficiently at the beginning. Jack, of course, is (at least initially) a reluctant hero (pulpier that way I think), but he's the one who knows his way around the docks and life. Angus is just starting out.
Thanks for reading and for the compliments.
Thanks, glad you enjoyed it. Yes, in hindsight I think I could probably have built up the drama/intensity more after the dream when the thugs come aboard the tug (see above).
Thanks for reading and for the comments. Yes, I obviously should have delineated the hero better (see comment to blindbuzta). Obviously the dialog between Ivan and Delroy has some problems since several of you mention this. As far as sounding the same is concerned, Delroy is supposed to be using a lot more slang and swearing. He's the heftier of the two but is also less intelligent. He's a local skinhead type from some poor area of the city. Ivan, on the other hand, is more cunning, probably has an accent, speaks a fairly correct English. So, in my mind they are pretty different but obviously I didn't really get this across.
Thanks, Mike. Glad you liked it.
Peter, thanks. Yes, maybe I needed to be clearer about who the hero is (see above). Regarding the dream sequence: I initially thought about having Angus and Natasha frolicking in the wheelhouse, but it is Angus' dream. I don't think you normally appear in your own dreams. My intention is that the camera here shows Angus' POV and if I was writing a shooting script I would make this clear. Natasha would be dancing for the camera/Angus. Then, maybe Angus was woken by Ivan and Delroy? How did the injured Seagull get there - it may well have been them that put it on deck.
If I was to make this script into a film, I would try to draw a visual parallel between Natasha whirling round and round in her white nightdress and the flapping around of the injured seagull - I think you could make a sort of sinister premonition out of this. I debated whether to try and make this clear in the script, but decided that it was more something for the director or a shooting script.
Personally, I think the answer to your comment is (as I say above) that the tension and drama is allowed to fall away a little after the dream sequence when really it should have been ratched up a notch or two more.
Thread: Aboard the Mersey Mabel
Results 21 to 30 of 38
12-14-2008 10:29 AM
Last edited by Horncastle; 12-14-2008 at 10:38 AM.
12-14-2008 10:36 AM
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12-14-2008 10:48 AMScriptFest III Entry - X-Elixir - Deep inside the Third Reich, American GI's Buck Masterfield and Paul Bolden take on a cadre of superhuman Nazis who are hellbent on world domination.
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12-15-2008 09:13 PM
hey there... i just read through your thread after reading your script, and most things have been covered. i was a bit confused (at first) when you ended the dream sequence, because i had to think back and figure out when it began. no big deal, especially since it was (probably) your intention to not reveal it as a dream right away. moving on...
story: pretty solid, i like that it took place (mostly) on a boat. that's creative and interesting. i was left hoping for a little more interaction between the couple, just so i would care about their fates a little more. a nice conversation before going to bed would have been enough. (hey, you have a couple more pages before you get to the ten page limit!)
writing: good descriptions. i especially like this:
...a row of dilapidated cranes disappear into still grey fog.
very nice. the dialog could use some polishing to sound a little more natural, and not so on-the-nose. (of course, i am soooo guilty of this myself, and people always let me know, so i'm starting to notice it more these days.)
good job, and thanks for entering. i really enjoyed your script.
12-17-2008 08:29 AM
Thanks for reading and for your comments. Yes, you're right - I didn't want to reveal right away that the dream sequence was a dream. Thanks for your comment about the couple too - I'll bear it in mind.
12-17-2008 12:59 PM
I liked this script. You did a good job.
I would agree with Preston that it would be nice to see more of a connection between Angus and Natasha. Maybe it would have been cool to start with him helping her escape. It would set up the background for the story and establish that there is chemistry there. I don't know, just a thought.
I kind of felt Jack should have just been the captain. And, instead of just abandoning the thugs in Africa, he could have just thrown them overboard to sleep with the fishes.
Last edited by jamiejay; 12-17-2008 at 07:23 PM.
12-18-2008 10:06 AM
Good story. I really like the setting. Putting on the boat, gave the story a great atmosphere. The hero was a little unclear, but you've covered that.
It was well written and flowed well. A little more tension/intensity in the showdown at the end would help, but I see thats been covered as well.
Overall, It was a really good read.the writer formerly known as "Conlan Forever"
Need a short script? Have an idea? Want to collaborate? Contact me.
12-18-2008 07:04 PM
jamiejay and conlanforever, thanks for reading and commenting. Yes, there seems to be a pretty good consensus about what needed improving at this point.
12-19-2008 04:55 PM
I really enjoyed this script - fantastic storyline. I thought that the use of the fire exstinguisher was really original. Like others have said, the dialogue is a little wooden, especially at the end. I think he makes it too clear that he wants the pimps to be shipped to Africa. Perhaps having him say something like
JACK - "I've got a couple of ... problems ... that need getting rid of. Africa maybe?"
CAPTAIN - "No money, no documents?"
JACK - "Yeah, that's the one. No money, no documents"
Conveys the same information, but without being so obvious.
Also, there's a slight typo on the first page where you've written Alex instead of Angus.
Overall, well done - lovely story!
12-19-2008 05:10 PM