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    #31
    Senior Member Nektonic's Avatar
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    Awesome job dude. I liked it a lot. The only criticism I have is that just as the tension ratcheted up, it seemed to dissipate quicker than I thought. I wanted to see these characters go through a little more of the hell that Delroy and Ivan seemed to be able to deliver.

    Good plot though. The description was visual and had an authentic ring to it. I felt like you knew sailing and ships very well, either by first hand experience or by research.

    And one quick question... I see a lot of entries in the past and some now using this style of scene heading like you used:

    INT. MERSEY MABLE . NIGHT

    I was always taught that this was the proper way:

    INT. MERSEY MABLE - NIGHT

    Have things changed in the spec formatting and I'm not aware?

    Anyways, great job on the Mersey Mable. I hope to see her sail again some day with a longer adventure.


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    #32
    Senior Member Horncastle's Avatar
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    Nektonic, thanks for reading and the comments. I'm glad you enjoyed it. And yes, I let the tension slip away a little. As far as your formatting question is concerned, I see it done a lot both ways, but I think the hyphen is probably more correct. Maybe I'll switch for my next script.
    Cheers
    Jason


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    #33
    Senior Member alex whitmer's Avatar
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    Review for ABOARD THE MERSEY MABEL

    This …

    Two men are talking on her aft deck …

    *I think you can skip the two men, and just intro them straight away.

    This …

    He turns back to Alex and shrugs.

    *Alex?

    This …

    JACK
    (continuing)
    I ain’t promising anything, OK?

    No need for the (continuing). It’s obvious.

    Page 2

    NATASHA
    (in a small voice with an East
    European accent)
    Nice to meet you, sir.

    *Do you mean a timid voice?

    This …

    JACK
    Yeah, well. (beat) It ain’t every
    day I get to meet a pretty young
    girl on my own boat.

    *Don’t bury your (beat) in dialogue. I can be easily missed.

    Page 3

    DELROY, early thirties with a skinhead haircut and tattoos

    *You can trim this to …

    DELROY, early thirties skinhead with tattoos.

    *Skinheads only have one style haircut - usually.

    So far you have underwear, underpants and knickers. Is there a difference?

    Page 6

    Great dialogue …

    IVAN
    (his mouth close to her ear)
    Natasha, my dear, you’ll have all
    the time in the world for
    screaming. But right now we need
    for you to be quiet so we can get
    you out of here.

    Really fine story. Seems the meeting of Angus and Natasha was one of happenstance, but made for a great catalyst for Angus and Jack.


    Love the tension build and play.



    You burn up some space saying ‘about 50 …’, ‘about 18 …’
    Maybe try 50s, late teens.

    aw


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    #34
    Senior Member Horncastle's Avatar
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    Thanks Alex for reading and for your review. I'm glad you liked it. Many of your comments make complete sense, but I feel like I'd like to reply to a few of them.

    Quote Originally Posted by alex whitmer View Post
    He turns back to Alex and shrugs.

    *Alex?
    I'm still kicking myself over that one. It should have been Angus of course.

    Quote Originally Posted by alex whitmer View Post
    NATASHA
    (in a small voice with an East
    European accent)
    Nice to meet you, sir.

    *Do you mean a timid voice?
    Maybe you don't use "small" for a voice in the U.S.? In British English I think it's fine and could mean timid, but is also downtrodden or castigated.

    Quote Originally Posted by alex whitmer View Post
    DELROY, early thirties with a skinhead haircut and tattoos

    *You can trim this to …

    DELROY, early thirties skinhead with tattoos.

    *Skinheads only have one style haircut - usually.
    Yes, but in my mind you can have the haircut without being a real skinhead. Again, this may be a US-Europe thing, but to me, being a skinhead has political connotations (i.e. neo-nazi or extreme right wing). I wouldn't have wanted to give Delroy this political slant.

    Quote Originally Posted by alex whitmer View Post
    So far you have underwear, underpants and knickers. Is there a difference?
    Yes, I'd say there is. Underwear is more general and includes bras, slips (and maybe suspenders, stockings?). Underpants and knickers are the same thing, of course, but to me, knickers has a more "sexy" feel. Therefore I used knickers when Delroy picks up the phone, but underpants when Natasha is lying innocently on the bed.

    Thanks again for your comments. It's good to have to think about a script, even if only to defend it!
    Jason


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    #35
    Senior Member pauly_the_hitman's Avatar
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    Great story I got reeled in right off the bat and actually built up some sympathy for Natasha's character. Well done.
    Pauly





    "I have learned silence from the talkative, toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet, strange, I am ungrateful to those teachers."


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    #36
    Senior Member Horncastle's Avatar
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    Pauly, thanks for reading and commenting. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
    Jason


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    #37
    Senior Member MiataFilmSomething's Avatar
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    I really liked the docks and the nautical and maritime mood and feel of the script. You did a great job at setting the visuals and the tone. The script flowed really well also.

    I would have liked to have seen more backstory on the characters. I feel like we just kind of walked into the middle of the story. There's something that happened before, and more to come later that I'd like to know about. But that's the secret: Always leave your audience wanting more

    Good work!
    "...and knowing is half the battle. The other half is violence..."


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    #38
    Senior Member Horncastle's Avatar
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    Thanks, Miata. Glad you enjoyed it.
    Jason


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