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    #61
    Senior Member alex whitmer's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by preston View Post
    hey Alex...

    i just read your script for the third time, so a lot of my initial thoughts are long gone.. but that's ok, because they've been covered here in the thread already.

    i really like the premise for your story - time-travel as commonplace (well, almost). people getting all turned around and ending up centuries off from where they're trying to go is funny! there are sooo many story possibilities for this idea. and then you throw cars, houses and other belongings into the mix and you get, well, big stuff falling from the sky. awesome. ok, i'm rambling a bit...

    your writing style (as i hoped/expected) is enjoyable to read. i know you take pride in how a script looks and sounds, and it shows. i do wish you would have used more of your remaining pages (i think you were 6 out of 10?). no biggie though.

    you mentioned the original idea was much different - with no time-travel/future stuff.. (if you don't mind) what did you have in mind? i'm just curious; not tryin' to get you to throw out story ideas for us to gobble up.

    trash can on fire was funny, as was the spanking and the canary. a lot of (Kassandra's) character in just those three elements...

    overall, i really enjoyed "Another Man's Dame", and I'm anxious to read your next entry. cheers!
    It was originally a 10-pager, but felt like too many filler pages so I hacked and chopped, maybe too much.

    There was quite a metamorphosis from the orig - maybe even three different takes before the time travel and the Isetta made it's way in. Female mob bosses and double crosses, pet detectives - hence the canary - and a few twists in between.

    In the very first, Annabel was another woman, and a singer, and in those days they called female singers canaries, which is how that got in the story. By the second draft, the actual bird made it's way in, and the old car as well. The Isetta, the time travel, and the falling house all came last, like two days before due date!

    Thanks for reading it again. I will repay you in kind.

    aw


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    #62
    Senior Member jamiejay's Avatar
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    read your script again and i am impressed by your mastery of structure and language. the opening scene was terrific, the spanking was fun, and the quirky wizard of oz ending seemed appropriate in this futuristic world. great writing! ;)


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    #63
    Senior Member Nektonic's Avatar
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    Hey Alex. The old school slang of your script made reminded me of a movie you would like. Man of the Century.

    http://www.amazon.com/Man-Century-Gi...9857216&sr=1-1

    Of course you might have seen it already.


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    #64
    Senior Member ZazaCast's Avatar
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    Congratulations on a top ten finish!


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    #65
    Senior Member pauly_the_hitman's Avatar
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    Nice work Alex. I always look forward to reading your stories well done. I loved the dialog and the use of time was great. I like the subtle humor that you produce so easily. Awesome jib.
    Pauly





    "I have learned silence from the talkative, toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet, strange, I am ungrateful to those teachers."


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    #66
    Senior Member preston's Avatar
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    congrats Alex!


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