Thread: Fun Palace

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    #21
    Senior Member MiataFilmSomething's Avatar
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    Pretty much what everyone else has said about a greater explanation of the motivations of the characters, but that's hard to do in a 10 page limit.

    This is probably the most intense script I've read so far. It really sucked me in and made me want to read more. It was a great thrill ride.

    I've been watching a lot of episodes of the old Batman: The Animated Series cartoon latley, and this reminds me of something that you'd see in that series, Batman chasing the Joker to an old abandoned amusement park and such.

    Way to go!
    "...and knowing is half the battle. The other half is violence..."


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    #22
    Senior Member jasonthewho's Avatar
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    Thanks! The Joker was definitely an influence on the Skinny Man. If you've seen Mask of the Phantasm, he's converted an amusement park in a similar way.


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    #23
    Senior Member seansshack's Avatar
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    Very comic book/cartoon style of story. I had batman the animated series in my head and was glad to just read that you styled in on the joker/phantasm movie (as the comparison isn't unfair). I was a big fan of this series, so helped me enjoy this piece more enjoyable for me.

    Very faced paced and worked for me for the most part but felt it needed more time to explain set-ups/motivation(s) etc

    Dialog for the most was good - but skinny guy was a bit 2 dimensional (but this could be more the fault of knowing more about him). Also really didn't like he dying line. No matter how mad his was, I would him shocked/scared - show a different side.

    Overall good work. But for me it could better fit in animated form - unique very violent batman.


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    #24
    Member GrizzlyGuy's Avatar
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    That was some wild and wacky stuff!

    I liked it. A good ole fast paced pulp story with plenty of surreal violence. My kind of script!
    ScriptFest III Entry - X-Elixir - Deep inside the Third Reich, American GI's Buck Masterfield and Paul Bolden take on a cadre of superhuman Nazis who are hellbent on world domination.

    LossFest Entry - White Wilderness - Deep in the heart of the Sierra Nevada mountains, a man loses his way, wits and will to survive.



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    #25
    Senior Member jasonthewho's Avatar
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    Thanks guys!


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    #26
    Senior Member preston's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jasonthewho View Post
    Hey, thanks for your comments guys.

    This is not my favorite thing I've written, but I'm interested by some of the responses.

    So far everyone likes the dialogue at the beginning, which I hate. And everyone hates the Skinny Man's dying words, which is my favorite part.

    I guess I'm even weirder than I thought I was.
    haha, i agree. why not have him yell "mommy!"?. it's so unfitting that it fits, you know?

    i was definitely thinking Gordon vs Joker (because Batman has no family or Glocks), like in The Killing Joke. ever read it?

    everything's been covered already in previous comments, so no need to get into that stuff again... i'll just say: good story, i liked it. i winced when i thought you were going to impale the little girl while her dad watched. the Joker would've loved that.


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    #27
    Senior Member themightyshrub's Avatar
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    I really liked this. The setting was great, I'm glad you mentioned Mask of Phantasm, because that's EXACTLY how I saw it in my head. I agree with what other people have said about they guy needing some reason to be targeted by the Skinny Guy. How many middle school science teachers are important enough to have their family kidnapped, and then have access to two Glocks?
    Other than that, really great, I thoroughly enjoyed it.


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    #28
    Senior Member preston's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by themightyshrub View Post
    I really liked this. The setting was great, I'm glad you mentioned Mask of Phantasm, because that's EXACTLY how I saw it in my head. I agree with what other people have said about they guy needing some reason to be targeted by the Skinny Guy. How many middle school science teachers are important enough to have their family kidnapped, and then have access to two Glocks?
    Other than that, really great, I thoroughly enjoyed it.
    i agree -i wanted to know why he was targeted- but being a middle school science teacher and having (access to) two Glocks are not mutually exclusive.


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    #29
    Senior Member themightyshrub's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by preston View Post
    i agree -i wanted to know why he was targeted- but being a middle school science teacher and having (access to) two Glocks are not mutually exclusive.
    It is over in blighty


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    #30
    Senior Member preston's Avatar
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    teachers can't own guns over there? i didn't know that! i guess the USA really is the wild wild west, huh?


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