Thread: Open Wound

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    Open Wound
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    Retired tough guy Ira Hartwell isn't the only one who can't forget his past.


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    Senior Member stinkpot's Avatar
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    Hey Peter. Great tag-line and great banner! I can't wait to read this.

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    Senior Member pauly_the_hitman's Avatar
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    Nice tag line looking forward to reading this one.
    Pauly





    "I have learned silence from the talkative, toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet, strange, I am ungrateful to those teachers."


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    Open Wound
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    Locked and uploaded!
    Last edited by jefflebowski; 12-11-2008 at 07:39 AM.


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    Senior Member Horncastle's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jefflebowski View Post
    Locked and uploaded!
    Great - look forward to reading it.
    Jason


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    Knight of the Holy Order krestofre's Avatar
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    ***Spoilers***

    Things I liked: The different take on the P.I. story. I liked that it was an old detective, long retired that had a case come back to haunt him, very interesting concept.

    I also liked that Kitty (great name for a dame) was still a very femme fatal character even though she's in her sixties.

    I loved the ebay thing. That just made me laugh. Esspecially when Ira started explaining ebay to her. Funny stuff.

    Things I didn't like: If Ira was so obsessed with Kitty, then I think he would have recognized her from the moment she set foot in his office. That he took a moment to remember her seemed at odds with the character's past. I think the story would have actually been stronger if she meant nothing to Ira and she really was just another case. That would have fueled Kitty's anger a bit more during their confrontation.

    I also didn't like Darlene showing up to save the day. I thought the line about getting through the door was good, but it seemed way to convenient that she would happen to be there again saving Ira's skin.

    Overall, I really liked this one.
    Chris Johnson


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    Senior Member DarkElastic's Avatar
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    Good read, thank you. I really liked the battle of characters between Ira and Kitty. Darlene could have had more early on as we only hear about her just before she turns up and it makes you wonder how and why. Good stuff though.


    Marshall Dean

    Writer/Producer


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    Thanks for the meaningful reviews.
    Peter


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    Senior Member CallaghanFilms's Avatar
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    I also really dug your new approach to the detective genre.
    The golden-aged retired ex-dick, to my knowledge, has never been done (or done well anyway). My hat's off to you there - Job well done.

    I loved the dialogue, but some of the monologues may have been a hair long-winded. If so, not by much.

    I have a minor technical quibble...your action lines (and transitions) sometimes seemed a bit jumbled which led to a little confusion.


    ***SPOILER ALERT***

    If I may make an assumption...I read it as Ira ended up marrying Darlene, hence why she showed up. If that is the case...bravo! Great poo pooing ending! If not. (as krestofre said) it is way too coincidental - especially considering he is not in that racket anymore. Assuming that is what you intended, it honestly is not clear to the reader.

    Favorite Line:
    "...She knew that when I finally got to you I was gonna poo poo your brains out or kill you. She wasn't taking chances either way."


    For your daily Callaghanism...follow Cal on


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    Knight of the Holy Order krestofre's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by CallaghanFilms View Post
    If I may make an assumption...I read it as Ira ended up marrying Darlene, hence why she showed up.
    That thought had crossed my mind, and if that's the case you could easily fix this by having Ira say something like "Good thing I married you for your aim." or something like that. Then the ending would work perfectly.
    Chris Johnson


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