Thread: Wooden Kimono

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    #41
    Senior Member Nektonic's Avatar
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    Before I go into any type of analysis:

    I must state that if you don't make this into a film I can watch; then I will have no choice but to hire a detective, preferably one that wears a fedora, a trench coat, and smokes a lot. This detective will be tasked with finding you and harassing you until you make a film of the Wooden Kimono!!!!!!!!

    This was awesome.

    You totally had me completely duped as to what the twist was. I honestly thought that Harry Glass was going to pull off some sort of heist-rescue and steal the interrogated man who we assume is a some sort of crime boss. I thought he was going to steal him right out from under the noses of the cops. But then that's not it at all. My nose is bleeding from this awesome and misleading ending reveal. Go tell M. Night Shyamalan, Alfred Hitchcock, and Rod Serling that they've been out-twisted. Callaghan just gave them a cinematic wedgie twisteroo in the form of the Wooden Kimono.

    As for formatting, this style is a bit harder to read with the camera directions. However, this is one of those rare cases where I am glad you directed on the page. I don't know if this would've worked if you had limited yourself to proper spec format.

    Plus, the scripts from the noir era and before were often written with camera direction added. So maybe you were paying homage to the classic writers of old Hollywood.

    You have a real vision for this story. Now please go make it so I don't have to hire a detective.
    Last edited by Nektonic; 12-21-2008 at 12:43 PM.


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    #42
    Senior Member alex whitmer's Avatar
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    Review of Wooden Kimono

    This …

    He goes to enter a coffee shop, when he suddenly looks behind him to see:

    *This can be edited to …

    As he enters a coffee shop, he looks behind him, sees …

    *It’s only 3 less words, but reads smoother. ‘Goes to’ before an action is often unnecessary.

    This …

    The CAMERA ADJUSTS to a AERIAL VIEW of Harry's dead body

    *Leave camera angles out unless it’s a shooting script. It puts your reader to work on a crew.

    This …

    INT. SMALL ROOM - NIGHT - EXTREME CLOSEUP – INTERROGATOR

    *Not sure why you would intro a character in a slug. Easy to miss, and not really the place to do it.

    The camera direction as well.

    This …

    (NOTE: Think "THE GODFATHER" opening slowness)

    *Not a good idea to put your reader’s mind on some other flick. Keep ‘em right here in your story.

    *Split dialogue over 1 and 2

    Page 2

    INTERROGATOR
    (uninterrupted from previous scene)
    How so?

    *I don’t get that.

    This …

    INTERROGATED MAN (O.S.)
    (beat)
    Let's see. He had already made a name
    for himself as a premier dip by the age
    of fifteen.

    *I think I’d put ‘Pause’ in the action before the dialogue, not under the character heading. That spot is for parenthetical directions like ‘shrugs’, or for language spoken.

    *Like this …

    INTERROGATOR
    (nodding)
    Please, go on.

    Page 5

    A SECURITY GUARD is making his rounds

    *Keep your verbs simple present.

    *A SECURITY GUARD makes his rounds …

    Page 4

    A big heist. Harry's men, "GLOVES" DONAHUE and SECCO, are both holding pistols - the barrels are still smoking.

    *How do we know they are ‘Harry’s men?

    Also, lose the ING verbs and edit …

    A big heist. "GLOVES" DONAHUE and SECCO, hold smoking pistols.

    Here ‘smoking’ is a gerund, not an ING verb.

    This …

    As he passes by, we SEE two SECURITY GUARDS sprawled out on the floor. Shot. Dead. Bloody.

    *Lose the we. Love the ‘Shot. Dead. Bloody.’

    Page 5

    INT. SMALL ROOM - MED. SHOT – INTERROGATOR

    *I’m not a filmmaker, so I don’t know what a Med. Shot is.

    This …

    MAX
    Yeah, boss.

    *We met a ‘Gloves’ Donahue. Is Max the same guy?

    Page 6

    Someone like
    Harry might say somethin' like 'One of
    these days, they're gonna fit me for a
    wooden kimono'.

    Wouldn’t these interrogators know all the lingo?

    Page 7

    Good line this …

    I guess I tend to think of myself a bit
    more Seinfeld than Gandolfini.

    Page 9

    You know, Casandra, that absolutely
    nails my feelings on the matter.
    Bittersweet...

    So Cassandra (love the name!!!) and pretty brunette are the same??

    Okay!!

    Well, a little confusion with all the flashbacks that go to hallucinations and back, but I think I got it.

    All the while I had a feeling you were hiding the Interrogated Man for some big payoff.

    I think it’s a cool idea, showing an actor reflect back on a character – some say series actors can really become their characters over time.

    Enjoyed the trip.

    aw


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    #43
    Senior Member Horncastle's Avatar
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    A good read. A clever idea with a great twist and very clever double meaning dialogue/voice overs - I read back through them once I knew the end and they all fitted in with the interview situation. I've got to say I agree with others that some of the formatting/camera directions took me out a little and the ending was just a little disappointing, although inherent to the idea I suppose. Thanks for the entertainment.
    Jason


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    #44
    Member GrizzlyGuy's Avatar
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    That was a great story, and the dialog was exceptional. Nice work doing your research to get all the correct phrases of the period. The ending was a bit of a letdown. But now that I've read your comments about what you were going for in the thread, I'd say you nailed it!
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    #45
    Senior Member CallaghanFilms's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nektonic View Post
    ...My nose is bleeding from this awesome and misleading ending reveal. Go tell M. Night Shyamalan, Alfred Hitchcock, and Rod Serling that they've been out-twisted. Callaghan just gave them a cinematic wedgie twisteroo in the form of the Wooden Kimono...
    I'm am utterly moved that you appreciated the reveal for what its was (an authentic twist ending...not an audience-cheating twist simply for the sake of having a twist).

    That being said, two of the names you mentioned are nothing less than gods to me (Hitch and Serling). I'm not one who's known for winning (or even entering) Humble Pie eating contests...but I am humble enough to blush at the comparison

    Quote Originally Posted by Nektonic View Post
    ...Plus, the scripts from the noir era and before were often written with camera direction added. So maybe you were paying homage to the classic writers of old Hollywood...
    Last edited by CallaghanFilms; 12-22-2008 at 11:46 AM.


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    #46
    Senior Member MiataFilmSomething's Avatar
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    Neat script! I liked the twist at the end, and much of the story had a cool "Usual Suspects" vibe to it.

    Some of the camera directions and format seemed to break up the flow of the script a little bit, but the content and idea are spot on. Well done!
    "...and knowing is half the battle. The other half is violence..."


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    #47
    Senior Member CallaghanFilms's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by alex whitmer View Post
    Review of Wooden Kimono.......
    I gotta say-
    I wasn't really looking for coverage (especially of the technical variety).
    I recognize the time you spent to give a page-by-page and all...
    but not everyone is a rookie scribe trying their (writing) hand at screenplay spinning.

    Sorry if that is blunt.

    Quote Originally Posted by alex whitmer View Post
    ......I think it’s a cool idea, showing an actor reflect back on a character – some say series actors can really become their characters over time.

    Enjoyed the trip.

    aw
    Thanks for joining me on said trip

    cc
    Last edited by CallaghanFilms; 12-22-2008 at 11:10 PM.


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    #48
    Senior Member CallaghanFilms's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Horncastle View Post
    A good read. A clever idea with a great twist and very clever double meaning dialogue/voice overs - I read back through them once I knew the end and they all fitted in with the interview situation. I've got to say I agree with others that some of the formatting/camera directions took me out a little and the ending was just a little disappointing, although inherent to the idea I suppose. Thanks for the entertainment.
    Jason
    Not only were they "inherent to the idea" IMHO, - I saw them as the sole heirs.

    I appreciate your agreeing that the dialogue holds water simultaneously in both narrative buckets.



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    #49
    Senior Member CallaghanFilms's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by GrizzlyGuy View Post
    That was a great story, and the dialog was exceptional. Nice work doing your research to get all the correct phrases of the period. The ending was a bit of a letdown. But now that I've read your comments about what you were going for in the thread, I'd say you nailed it!
    Quote Originally Posted by MiataFilmSomething View Post
    Neat script! I liked the twist at the end, and much of the story had a cool "Usual Suspects" vibe to it.

    Some of the camera directions and format seemed to break up the flow of the script a little bit, but the content and idea are spot on. Well done!
    Thanks and cheersto both of you fine gentlemen (or to both of you anyway)


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    #50
    Senior Member preston's Avatar
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    congrats Callaghan!


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