Hey guys, thanks for all the feedback. Can't say I disagree with most of it.
At the risk of seeming to be making excuses, I intended to just get the basic flow down in the first draft and then rip out all the cliches in the second draft. Then, of course, I ran out of time and ended up submitting an only slightly tweaked first draft. So I do agree that there are some overly familiar elements in there.
I do like not giving the guy a name, though. Somehow, giving him a name robs him of his mystery.
Thread: Trigger Finger
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12-13-2008 06:03 AM
12-13-2008 06:57 AM
Strong story. Nice swift and easy read. Could see the end coming (but again might be just me, but felt I seen it somewhere before). I liked not giving him a name (worked in Layer Cake). But you could give him a name in the script - just not use in dialog/story. Motivation was unclear - to me. Why was he killing them? Maybe a page or two on his back story or flashback (unless you want this to remain a mystery).
Overall nice work and good luck with it.
12-13-2008 09:15 AM
Nice work! It was a great story and at no point did I feel lost as I read it, nor did I even consider putting it down until the end.
I actually didn't see the ending coming. I thought he was going to use his left hand for a classic 2-handed grip and his middle finger for the trigger finger. Back at the garden shears scene, I thought he was going to be forced to fight them with the shears as his weapon. So all these little surprises/twists (to me, maybe I'm dense) made it even more fun to read. I can't wait to see it on the big screen. ;-)ScriptFest III Entry - X-Elixir - Deep inside the Third Reich, American GI's Buck Masterfield and Paul Bolden take on a cadre of superhuman Nazis who are hellbent on world domination.
LossFest Entry - White Wilderness - Deep in the heart of the Sierra Nevada mountains, a man loses his way, wits and will to survive.
12-13-2008 03:50 PM
Very nice script for what it is. I agree with the above that there is no reason or explaination for his hatred of the goons. But, saying that, it is well written and I enjoyed the interigation. Nice ending, even if it was easy. I enjoyed reading it, well done.
12-13-2008 06:18 PM
I liked the fact that there was no specified reason for him to have shot the guys, or why he hated the goons an leonard so much, and the fact he didn't have a name. Had it been a full length script, I think those things would have needed explaining, but it works well in the short to leave them unexplained - definitely adds to the mystery!
12-14-2008 08:09 AM
Check out the first paragraph of the script for "Blade Runner":
INT. TYRELL CORPORATION LOCKER ROOM - DAY
It's magnified and deeply revealed. Flecks of green
and yellow in a field of milky blue. Icy filaments
surround the undulating center.
Writing detail is not automatically a bad thing. It clearly doesn't worry David Peoples.
12-14-2008 08:36 AM
12-14-2008 12:31 PM
Alex kind of beat me to the punch.
Don't get me wrong, I am a brutally hardcore right-brainer and normally not a critiquer of the technical. But...
The ACTION to DIALOGUE ratio was way out of whack. As is, it reads somewhat like a novel. This script probably should be around 5, maybe 6 pages long.
Now that I got that outta the way:
I did enjoy Trigger Finger.
I was especially impressed with your captivating use of 1 location (+ the brief flashback). That, when done well, always impresses the hell out of me. Also, I love the garage because it has never been done before.
The ending was predictable...but only if you are looking at is as a twist (which I didn't). As a man-with-no-name story it delivers closure on-time and still hot from the oven.
One other point...Although I dug this story, I may be having a wee bit of trouble finding the "pulpiness" factor. Hmmmm