Thread: Trigger Finger

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    Trigger Finger
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    "Nobody shoots that good. Nobody. Unless his trigger finger's got a mind of its own."


    First draft done, just waiting on some feedback for a polish.


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    Senior Member pauly_the_hitman's Avatar
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    Sounds cool look forward to reading it...
    Pauly





    "I have learned silence from the talkative, toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet, strange, I am ungrateful to those teachers."


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    Uploaded. Man, I hope it doesn't suck!


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    More Cowbell Pictures Michael Anthony Horrigan's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Farnsworth View Post
    Uploaded. Man, I hope it doesn't suck!
    It doesn't.

    Good luck!

    MAH


    MONSTERFEST : 4th Place - Sustained Excellence Award - WESTFEST: 3rd Place - THRILLFEST: 3rd Place


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    I enjoyed the writing. Your descriptions and dialogue flow easily and beautifully. Possibly your plot was a bit thin and a tad predictable but the characters felt real nonetheless. Thanks for the story, its almost like the opening of an old school Mel Gibson movie!


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    Senior Member lawriejaffa's Avatar
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    Hehe this was quite an enjoyable romp / Spoilers/

    This script to me is a bit like a guilty pleasure, I love gunslinger movies, / gunplay action / spaghetti western etc and thats all in here.

    What in some way i think lets it down a wee bit is the cliched 'strapped to a chair garage' scene and the angry 'you messed up my shipments' boss. Im surprised folk bother to write those kinds of scenarios now - which is the thing about this script - the concept of the 12 guys, the hero getting a chance etc - its great, and builds REAL suspense towards the end.

    I was like oooh... how is this going to go (and of course we get our delicious little twist.) So not bad, but i would suggest tinkinering with the settings, so you don't have folk making so many pre-judgements on the opening scene/setting.

    But well done mate i enjoyed it.
    Feature: LORD OF TEARS - A New Legend in Horror - Pre-Order Now http://www.lordoftears.com/


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    Really thought this was neatly done in the way it was written. Liked the telling of it a great deal, a smart use of the flashback, especially with the ricochet moment.

    Not sold on the story, think the twist is more straight than turny, and having set it up so that I wanted to know where it went I think I was a wee bit disappointed it didn't really go anywhere. But still, I think a good job.


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    Senior Member themightyshrub's Avatar
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    I liked this! Well written, and you've got some good dialogue. I liked the problem with the shears - it bought a nice comic moment to a script that could otherwise have been a bit heavy.

    I guessed the ending a couple of pages before the end, but I still think it was well written. Besides, I can't really talk about obvious twists - my entry has one too!

    I agree with Lawriejaffa about the setting. I don't think a garage is necessarily going to give people preconceptions about the story - it didn't for me - but I do think that having six people in one garage would be a bit too cramped, especially from a filming perspective.

    It might make it a bit more dynamic if you set it in the warehouse of the original shoot-out, blood stained walls and everything. Just my suggestion.

    Really loved the script, well done!


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    Knight of the Holy Order krestofre's Avatar
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    Enjoyable tale. I think lawriejaffa is right on about some of the plot points. A few of them are overdone. I think you could easily improve the script just by changing the motivation of the gunman. I don't think the audience necessarily needs to know why he's taking out these bad guys, but if it was something more involved that just thugs moving a shippment that could add a lot to this story.

    Saw the ending coming, but it's still a pretty good moment in the script.
    Chris Johnson


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    Senior Member alex whitmer's Avatar
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    Your basic two-car garage. Dusty, utilitarian. Some
    shelves with paint cans, empty washer fluid jugs. A spare tire in the corner. Garden tools hanging from hooks on the walls. Big garage door with sunlight dribbling through a crack at the bottom.

    *I think a lot of extra words here, which means a lot of extra reading. 'Utilitarian' is probably enough,

    Your basic two-car garage. Dusty, utilitarian. Big garage door with sunlight dribbling through a crack at the bottom.

    This …

    He’s tied with about fifty feet of garden hose.

    Can’t say I’ve seen that yet. Cool idea.

    This …

    They form up in a circle around him, some lean against the walls, one sits on the spare tire,

    *If it’s a two car garage, and Guy is in the middle, be hard to ‘form up’ in a circle and lean against the wall and sit on tires in the corner at the same time.

    I think ‘the guy’ should have a name by now. Goons, a guy and Leonard.

    *****

    As soon as the finger was cut off I knew the ending.

    Maybe you were going for the mtsterious man with no name, but it was kinda irritating.

    Well written but could use a haircut on the extra words used to set up and explain actions.

    Plot is a little soft.

    Very enjoyable and quick read. Nice work.

    aw


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