Thread: Ned's Three N's...
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12-11-2008 03:57 PM
12-11-2008 04:17 PM
What up Pauly... I just read your script..
Please don't take my comments as a personal attack (though I know it's hard not to be offended by bad reviews) but I want to be honest with my critique because I had a lot of issues with it and I think it's important to not sugar-coat it when the goal is to help you become a better filmmaker.
So lets start with the premise... because, really? Necrophilia? You can't expect your audience to not only identify with you protagonist, but also sympathize with him (two things critical to storytelling) if he's f*cking dead girls at the morgue, commenting on how hot they are, and joking about it with his friends. I mean, it doesn't get much more tasteless than that.
PLOT - this story has no plot. Plot = goal + conflict. What's Ned's goal? What's stopping him? Nothing really, he f*cks some dead girls, tells his back story - twice, and then kills two guys... and then BAM - it's all a dream. You have to have to provide some sort of goal for us to get involved with and root for Ned. Otherwise, why are we watching him?
Dialogue - No one wants to watch guys talk about f*cking dead people, saying 'dude' every other line, and calling each other fags. It's not funny. It just makes us loath the characters. And then, what's with the long monologue about the prostitute? And he repeats it! The entire thing! Verbatim! Show don't tell, man. Though I'm not sure we really want to see him f*cking a prostitute to death, it is a visual medium and flashbacks are better experienced visually.
Anyway, my point is.. if you're going to invest the time in writing a screenplay... make sure it's worthy of your time. Work on real stories with characters who have real desires and obstacles to overcome. Just because it's pulp doesn't mean it has to be bad. And gratuity does have its limits... you will reach a point where you've gone too far... and I think the script crossed a line or two. So yeah man, please don't be upset by my review... I just think you deserved an honest critique.. especially since you're so committed to this site and involve yourself in so many projects.
12-11-2008 11:07 PM
Thanks Mike I agree with most of what you are saying and I did expect to have quiet a bit of negative feedback on this one. It is actually a running joke that my wife and I have had for a long time and I don't think many people will like it. On the other hand maybe a couple will see it for what it is and realize that a story is just a story.
12-12-2008 04:42 AM
- Join Date
- Jul 2008
Ha Ha, this was some messed up stuff man. The all-in-caps plus some bad spelling and the colour scheme, tied into this almost avant-guarde low level content made this highly original for me. One of those "it's so bad, it might be good" situations. There was some on-the-nose dialogue though that was bad in the wrong way but other than that I couldn't point out anything that doesn't fit in with the wrongness of the piece.
Please don't make this into a movie, I'm already off to the bathroom to wash my eyes out just from the script. Thank you?
12-12-2008 05:23 AM
12-12-2008 08:12 AM
12-12-2008 08:13 AM
Yeah um i think whenever the reaction to a script is too obvious - in this case 'omg im so offended by this' hehe then you have to stop and remember the word 'pastiche' or irony or something lol.
So this is a running joke with your wife Pauly hehe, this perhaps explains some of the rationale over this script! Anything too idiosyncratic (did i even spell that right) especially a joke between you and your wife is not necessarily going to translate so well in the public domain!!!
Anyway as a script ive got to say my sentiments are similar to those already conveyed, except i dont think protagonists etc need to have this or that to qualify a story (it can be compensated in other areas.) But this script didn't appear to be trying to be taken as a serious entry anyway - more of a hehe affair!
In that case it succeeded cos although sick lol, it was funny from the perspective that i actually sat reading it and analysing it lol when its just a joke really!
Anyway thanks for entering dude ;)Feature: LORD OF TEARS - A New Legend in Horror - Pre-Order Now http://www.lordoftears.com/
12-12-2008 08:20 AM
Oh my.... It did make me laugh in places, but it was sooooo wrong.... Good stuff.
12-12-2008 08:49 AM
hey Pauly.. good job; really funny. it didn't offend me at all.. great dialog- very natural sounding and appropriate for the characters.
i did wonder why he told the exact same story twice, word for word. maybe it would have been hilarious for Ned to tell a completely different story the second time... what do you think?
throw a few commas and periods in there and it will read much smoother.
overall- crazy, sick and entertaining. thanks for entering this script.
12-12-2008 09:13 AM
Entertaining, Entertaining, Entertaining. And I love to be entertained. I want a Narcoleptic friend. Oh, and did I mention you are a sick man.
great job Pauly