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    #21
    Mod v2.0 Noel Evans's Avatar
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    Nice job indeed. The story flowed very well, and the VO was really well used.

    I guess when I came to the end, questions questions. Ill post them in PM so I dont give anything away for others. PM coming.
    w: Noel Evans TV

    e: noel@noelevans.tv
    p: +61 (0) 408 455 374


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    #22
    Senior Member DarkElastic's Avatar
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    I enjoyed your story. I guessed the twist half way through, but it was written well enough and the characters were good.


    Marshall Dean

    Writer/Producer


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    #23
    Senior Member CallaghanFilms's Avatar
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    My first proper attempt at scriptwriting!

    In that case, your writing future is blindingly bright - to say the least.

    I really liked your unique angle to an existing character type.
    By this I mean:
    Having the detective (who has crawled into a bottle over the dame who left him) end up being the only one the same dame can trust when her new man is killed.

    A solid story, that be

    Favorite Line:
    "...I'd been thinking of her all night. Hell, who was I kidding, I'd been thinking of her my whole life."

    However...


    Putting on my "nitpicker" hat, there were a few things that distracted me:

    ***SPOILER ALERT***
    -I am fairly sure "mini bars" did not exist as common practice in 1940's hotels
    -I am completely sure "Polaroid"-style instant cameras didn't exist at all (being such a crucial plot point...that is a biggie)


    For your daily Callaghanism...follow Cal on


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    #24
    Senior Member themightyshrub's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by CallaghanFilms View Post


    Putting on my "nitpicker" hat, there were a few things that distracted me:

    ***SPOILER ALERT***
    -I am fairly sure "mini bars" did not exist as common practice in 1940's hotels
    -I am completely sure "Polaroid"-style instant cameras didn't exist at all (being such a crucial plot point...that is a biggie)
    Good point about the mini bars, hadn't thought of that.
    However, Polaroids did exist. The "Land Camera" was bought out in 1947, and was the precursor to the modern polaroid camera. Although I did have to do a fair bot of research to find that out, it's not very common knowledge.

    Glad you enjoyed it though!


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    #25
    Senior Member preston's Avatar
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    SPOILERS BELOW

    great script, i really enjoyed it.

    one thought - what do you think about this...
    if you eliminated this line, it might read better- just because it's totally implied already:

    (top of pg. 4)

    BARBARA
    I know you still have feelings
    for me. maybe if you help me, you
    might find i've still got those
    feelings for you.

    that's just my opinion, so no worries. overall, well written and enjoyable. i knew the ending as soon as Barbara read the note!


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    #26
    Senior Member lawriejaffa's Avatar
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    Excellent story Heather, really enjoyed it - one of my favs so far. The characters were compelling and created genuine emotional connections with the reader. The dialogue was clever with several memorable lines. It could also be produced within a reasonable budget (definately let me know if you'd be interested in chatting about producing it!) I certainly think you should *ahem* lossfest.

    In anycase, well done, my only suggestions would be to emphasise more a London atmosphere as it felt very New York! Even the names ;) Sam etc. But well done!
    Feature: LORD OF TEARS - A New Legend in Horror - Pre-Order Now http://www.lordoftears.com/


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    #27
    Senior Member seansshack's Avatar
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    First thing I would work on is the dialog. Read like a story set in england but written in American voice. I was born in London, grew up in Ireland and work for an American company, so I find it easier to pick out regional talking and slang. So others might no find the same issues with this that I do. But just feel the dialog would better match an American setting.

    Story flows well. Characters are well developed. typo of page 3 (get in here anywa) - structure and formatting are solid.

    Sort of guessed the ending before I got there. But guess as writers we are hard to trick...

    Good job.


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    #28
    Senior Member CallaghanFilms's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by themightyshrub View Post
    ...However, Polaroids did exist. The "Land Camera" was bought out in 1947, and was the precursor to the modern polaroid camera. Although I did have to do a fair bot of research to find that out, it's not very common knowledge...
    ***SPOILER ALERT***

    By Polaroid-style I am referring to the front-released instant models that we all know (and that seansshack has in his avatar right above). That type wasn't released till much later. The earliest "instant" cameras weren't all that "instant" (you had to remove the print from a closed compartment in the back after a few minutes.

    Again, I know it's a nitpick...but I got the impression that the camera in your script was an "auto-ejector" one. If so, that didn't exist in 1947. If not, I stand corrected and apologize.

    Either way, I really enjoyed Don't Say I Didn't Warn You!



    Quote Originally Posted by seansshack View Post
    ...Sort of guessed the ending before I got there. But guess as writers we are hard to trick...
    And we don't like it when we are


    For your daily Callaghanism...follow Cal on


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    #29
    Knight of the Holy Order krestofre's Avatar
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    I really enjoyed this one. Good story and good writing. As I was reading it I kept thinking that finding that picture in the alley was going to be a million to one shot, but I understand why he had to find it for the finale of the piece.
    Chris Johnson


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    #30
    Member rfox's Avatar
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    Excellent! Your writing has a great sense of humor (er, humour) in it, and I thought the "noir" feel was spot-on.


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