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    #41
    Senior Member Horncastle's Avatar
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    This was a great read, it got my attention right from the word go. "My liver thinks my throat's been cut" must be one of the best lines in the fest. You have some little slips and detail problems but those have been discussed (my the way its "de Sade", but I'm sure you know that). Unless I'm really dim and I've missed it elsewhere, your dream sequence must be your "flashback"? As I envisaged the character of Barbara, I found it rather unbelievable that she would utter the Lord's Prayer when Jimmy dies. There were a few of these little things but it's all nitpicking - this was up there with the best of them this fest.
    Jason


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    #42
    Senior Member themightyshrub's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Horncastle View Post
    As I envisaged the character of Barbara, I found it rather unbelievable that she would utter the Lord's Prayer when Jimmy dies.
    Jason
    I did think that, but I to me, humans are full of contradictions, and I think that sometimes even the least religious people in the world will utter a prayer in a desperate moment, and to somebody like Barbara, the Lords Prayer is probably the only prayer she knows.


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    #43
    Senior Member Russell Moore's Avatar
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    I liked this script a lot. You really set a great atmosphere and created a compelling story line and interesting characters. I did see the twist coming about the time of the flashback, but it still works really well.
    Great dialogue, loved the "What the hell are doing with my whiskey" made me laugh out loud.
    Really good effort. If this is your first real attempt, you've certainly have a future in it.
    the writer formerly known as "Conlan Forever"

    Need a short script?
    Have an idea? Want to collaborate? Contact me.

    screenwriter75@yahoo.com


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    #44
    Senior Member jamiejay's Avatar
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    don't know how i didn't leave a comment for this script already. i really thought i had.

    anyway, i really enjoyed your script and i am very impressed that this is your first real attempt! i saw the end coming, but it didn't change the fact that it's well done and an interesting story.

    great job!


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    #45
    Senior Member Nektonic's Avatar
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    This was a great noir read. You got the style down and I felt transported to your noir world. Some great lines and dialogue as well.

    I liked the plot as well. Everything made sense and flowed along at a steady pace. You painted a nice portrait of Sam with his V.O. Barbara is a bit of a bimbo (hey, it's pulpfest, so I'm using it) for not grabbing the picture when she was originally at the murder scene. I suppose you could argue that she was in shock though.

    I did see the twist coming a bit before it happened, but not too much so don't fret. Twists are strange buggers because you have to set them up properly to work, yet you can't give too much away either. It's enough to make a person go into an Incredible Hulk rampage. I suppose you could try to conceal the twist a little more, but I can't think of anything off the top of my head.

    A minor nitpick. You did this: INT - LOCATION - NIGHT
    When you should write it like this: INT. LOCATION - NIGHT
    Period after INT / EXT, double space, then your location heading. No biggie, just thought I'd point it out. Anyone feel free to correct me if I am wrong but this is how I've always been taught to do scene headings.

    All in all a really great first effort for your first screenplay. If this is your first and you keep this level of quality up, as well as attempt to top yourself, then the sky is the limit. I can only wish my early attempts at writing were this well done.

    Good luck and write another one. And after that, another one, etc...................................


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    #46
    Senior Member themightyshrub's Avatar
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    Thanks for your comments everyone! It's been really helpful to learn from what you guys have said!!


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