Thread: X-Elixir

Page 2 of 4 FirstFirst 1234 LastLast
Results 11 to 20 of 31
  1. Collapse Details
    #11
    Knight of the Holy Order krestofre's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2004
    Location
    Springfield, MO
    Posts
    2,707
    Default
    Nice move going for a very different flavor of pulp than what most of us did. The over-the-topness of the script really give it that "help the war effort" flavor and I really liked that. It felt like a bit too much was going on for the length of the script. That much story deserved some more pages, but on the whole I enjoyed it a lot. It was a very nice different flavor in this fest.

    I did find it amusing that you describe in your script that Professor Newbury speaks with a British accent. Is there ANY other way for a man with a moustache and monocle to speak?
    Chris Johnson


    Reply With Quote
     

  2. Collapse Details
    #12
    Member GrizzlyGuy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    Truckee, CA
    Posts
    55
    Default
    Thanks for all the reviews!

    lawriejaffa - Yes, I was shooting for a pulp story seemingly written in the 50's and targeted at teenage boys. Obviously not the audience we have here, but I wanted it to seem authentic. You're right, producing this would take a Spielberg-like budget!

    ghalied - Thanks, I write software for a living. It's good to know that someone thinks I at least have a shot at another career if the recession takes out my day job.

    Redcloak - Glad you enjoyed it. I promise that in my next one (if there is a next one) I'll have the Brits being the heroes instead of the Yanks. I'm in awe of what they did at Blechely Park (cracking the German's encryption system). If someone hasn't made a movie about that yet, one needs to be made.

    krestofre - Hah! Yeah, I probably didn't need to mention Newbury's accent. I just wanted to make sure that people understood he was a traitor.

    I agree about needing more pages to do it right. I initially envisoned much more, including an opening scene with Newbury meeting with a Celtic monk as he lay on his death bed. The monk would have told the story of the elixir, how it was discovered in ancient Greece and was the secret to Alexander's success, how the Romans got it during their conquest of Greece, etc.

    There was also a backstory about Schmidt being Hitler's personal doctor and later being involved in human experimentation within the concentration camps. As it was, the ending was still a bit rushed and confusing as Redcloak pointed out.

    Oh well, maybe next time. The first newbie lesson I've learned is that 10 pages is real-real short!
    ScriptFest III Entry - X-Elixir - Deep inside the Third Reich, American GI's Buck Masterfield and Paul Bolden take on a cadre of superhuman Nazis who are hellbent on world domination.

    LossFest Entry - White Wilderness - Deep in the heart of the Sierra Nevada mountains, a man loses his way, wits and will to survive.



    Reply With Quote
     

  3. Collapse Details
    #13
    Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    London
    Posts
    52
    Default
    Grizz- they did, called Enigma I think. Wasn't very good. Could still do with a decent version.

    And they made U-571 about the British Submarine that captured the enemy enigma machine that they used to eventually crack it. Except they made it an American submarine instead so they could cast Matthew McConaughey! Even though America hadn't joined the war at the time...


    Reply With Quote
     

  4. Collapse Details
    #14
    Senior Member seansshack's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    Ireland
    Posts
    538
    Default
    Bravo for doing this especially since it's your first. Big budget on show, but with lots of imagination. Well done.

    Note: inclusions I would drop as it drags you out of the story and reminds the reader that they are in fact reading - not a good thing. Just do something like:

    LEUTNANT KOCH
    (German accent)

    PROFESSOR NEWBURY
    (Posh British accent)

    ...less distracting.

    Dream scene felt a little tagged on (and formatted oddly).

    Finally it all ended a bit quickly.

    But solid story enjoyed the read. Thanks.




    Reply With Quote
     

  5. Collapse Details
    #15
    Member GrizzlyGuy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    Truckee, CA
    Posts
    55
    Default
    Quote Originally Posted by Redcloak View Post
    Grizz- they did, called Enigma I think. Wasn't very good. Could still do with a decent version.

    And they made U-571 about the British Submarine that captured the enemy enigma machine that they used to eventually crack it. Except they made it an American submarine instead so they could cast Matthew McConaughey! Even though America hadn't joined the war at the time...
    I'll have to check out Enigma. Yes, when I first saw U-571 it kind of ticked me off that they had taken so many liberties with the history. I think it was HMS Bulldog that captured the enigma machine before the US had even entered the war as you say.

    Quote Originally Posted by seansshack View Post
    Note: inclusions I would drop as it drags you out of the story and reminds the reader that they are in fact reading - not a good thing. Just do something like:

    LEUTNANT KOCH
    (German accent)

    PROFESSOR NEWBURY
    (Posh British accent)

    ...less distracting.

    Dream scene felt a little tagged on (and formatted oddly).

    Finally it all ended a bit quickly.

    But solid story enjoyed the read. Thanks.
    Thanks for the comment Sean! I'll leave the notes out next time and do as you suggest. Your way is definitely less distracting.

    In hindsight, maybe I should have left out the scene in Normandy where Buck and Paul take out the tanks. That would have left more space for the ending to not seem so rushed.

    The dream sequence was supposed to be essential in that it gave Buck the secret for killing the SS guys a few years later (stab them with sticks, like in the vampire legends). He had flash backs of that dream just before the final fight.

    I'm glad you enjoyed the story!
    ScriptFest III Entry - X-Elixir - Deep inside the Third Reich, American GI's Buck Masterfield and Paul Bolden take on a cadre of superhuman Nazis who are hellbent on world domination.

    LossFest Entry - White Wilderness - Deep in the heart of the Sierra Nevada mountains, a man loses his way, wits and will to survive.



    Reply With Quote
     

  6. Collapse Details
    #16
    Senior Member CallaghanFilms's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    Rick's Café Américain
    Posts
    3,661
    Default
    This was a fun romp through the war. I definitely see your motivation of a "PG13 pulp"...nice take on the subgenre.

    I also think your main characters were original...relatively otherwise simple yokels who decide it would be swell to be little Sergeant Yorks.

    Did you say this was your first at bat at writing?! If so...bravo, my friend. A bit over the top sure, but you definitely got on base. Keep swingin‘ away

    Favorite Line:
    "Hi-de-ho, Heinrich. Forget something?"


    For your daily Callaghanism...follow Cal on


    Reply With Quote
     

  7. Collapse Details
    #17
    Member GrizzlyGuy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    Truckee, CA
    Posts
    55
    Default
    Quote Originally Posted by CallaghanFilms View Post
    This was a fun romp through the war. I definitely see your motivation of a "PG13 pulp"...nice take on the subgenre.
    Thanks for the comment! I'm glad you got my "PG13 pulp" thing, that's what I was shooting for. Nothing sophisticated enough for Hollywood, but similar to something in a dog-eared 50's pulp magazine that teenage boys would pass around.

    Yes, this was my first shot at creative writing since doing essays in high school (more years ago than I choose to admit). In between drafts of this one, I whipped up a 1-pager for the "Less is More" contest over at MoviePoet.com. So I guess this is either my first or second script, depending on whether you count starting or finishing.
    ScriptFest III Entry - X-Elixir - Deep inside the Third Reich, American GI's Buck Masterfield and Paul Bolden take on a cadre of superhuman Nazis who are hellbent on world domination.

    LossFest Entry - White Wilderness - Deep in the heart of the Sierra Nevada mountains, a man loses his way, wits and will to survive.



    Reply With Quote
     

  8. Collapse Details
    #18
    Senior Member DarkElastic's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    Perth, Western Australia
    Posts
    843
    Default
    Hi Grizzly, I enjoyed the read, even if it was very all American. The sticks business wasn't very clear for me, there is no description that it is a Vampire in his dream, and there was no relation to the soldiers being like Vampires. If there was something that tied the two together, it would have worked. Other than that, it was fun, if it is budgetly impossible to make. Well done mate .


    Marshall Dean

    Writer/Producer


    Reply With Quote
     

  9. Collapse Details
    #19
    Senior Member themightyshrub's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    Liverpool - UK
    Posts
    106
    Default
    This was your first attempt? WOW!!!

    I'm a newbie too, and I have to say, you've managed to master a lot of the things that I really had trouble with. Did you get a lot of feedback from other people before you submitted this?

    Your action scenes are wonderful, and action is a very tricky thing to get right. You've said you might cut out the scene in Normandy with the tanks, but I wouldn't. Not only was it my favourite scene, but it really sets up the characters well.

    Just a couple of things - this first scene seemed a little cliché. The British professor going to the abandoned castle lit by flame torches and reading magical scrolls and all that. I suppose that's not too bad, considering the kind of story you were aiming for, but please - get rid of the manic laughter at the end of the first scene! That just pushed it over from cliché to parody for me.

    The dream sequence was written well, but it did seem a bit superfluous. I guess it's there because it was a requirement for the fest, but when you redraft it, I would either cut it out, or make the vampire reference much more obvious, because I totally didn't get it until I read it on here.

    The ending did seem a little rushed, but I didn't mind it too much, because I knew it was a short, so it was never going to be able to go into all the detail I wanted it to. If you have the time and the inclination, I would really love to see a full length version of this - I think it's a fantastic story!


    Reply With Quote
     

  10. Collapse Details
    #20
    Member GrizzlyGuy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    Truckee, CA
    Posts
    55
    Default
    Thanks for the feedback!

    I let my wife and mom read the script before submitting it, and my mom didn't get the point of the dream sequence either. I probably should have made it, and the later flashback to it, a little more clear as to the kill-em-with-wooden-stakes/sticks technique that I shamelessly borrowed from the Vampire legends.

    Yup, Newbury's diabolical laughter was a bit over the top, even for a story that I deliberately wrote to be cornball and cliched for that classic pulp feel. I probably could have left out his stereotypical monacle too.

    I'm glad you liked the Normandy scene. That one was the most fun to write.
    ScriptFest III Entry - X-Elixir - Deep inside the Third Reich, American GI's Buck Masterfield and Paul Bolden take on a cadre of superhuman Nazis who are hellbent on world domination.

    LossFest Entry - White Wilderness - Deep in the heart of the Sierra Nevada mountains, a man loses his way, wits and will to survive.



    Reply With Quote
     

Page 2 of 4 FirstFirst 1234 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •