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    #51
    Senior Member alex whitmer's Avatar
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    Review of Candy

    This …

    mysterious eyes and hair

    *Mysterious hair?

    This …

    The apartment is warm and cozy. It consists of a
    living/bedroom room with a kitchenette attached and the
    bathroom off to the side

    *Also know as studio apartment. You can save all that explanation.

    INT. STUDIO APARTMENT – NIGHT

    Warm and cozy. The bathroom door is open. Candy fixes her hair. James, 26 …………

    This …

    Candy’s 26 year old brother

    *How do we know it’s her brother? She could be babysitting.

    This …

    … further down the street

    *Some authorities (like the Associated Press) insist on “farther” to refer to physical distance and on “further” to refer to an extent of time or degree, but others treat the two words as interchangeable except for insisting on “further” for “in addition,” and “moreover.” You’ll always be safe in making the distinction; some people get really testy about this.

    This explanation courtesy of this fantastic site …

    http://www.wsu.edu/~brians/errors/errors.html#errors

    Page 2

    Both Italians.

    *I’d mention that when you first intro them.

    Actually …

    In the kitchenette are two THUGS. Both about thirty and both dressed in black suits like clichés from a gangster movie. One sits on a chair at the table and sips coffee. He’s a thin man adorned with gold. The other sits on the edge of the table. He strums on a guitar. He’s overweight and has a moustache. A pistol rests on the table beside him. Both Italians.

    *… can be trimmed to something like this …

    In the kitchenette, two clichés left over from a gangster film: THIN THUG, 30s, Italian and dressed in a black suit and adorned in gold, sits at the table and sips coffee. LARGE THUG, 30s, Italian and also in a black suit, sits on the table’s edge and strums a guitar. A pistol rests on the table between them.

    *69 words down to 59!

    *Introduce your characters the way they will be referred to in the character heading and by other characters.

    *Lastly, break the chunk of text up …

    In the kitchenette, two clichés left over from a gangster film: THIN THUG, 30s, Italian and dressed in a black suit and adorned in gold, sits at the table and sips coffee.

    LARGE THUG, 30s, Italian and also in a black suit, sits on the table’s edge and strums a guitar. A pistol rests on the table between them.

    Like that. Makes it far more edible.

    Page 3

    Thin Thug eyes catch something

    *Need a possessive here. Thin Thug’s eyes …

    This …

    He taps his partner

    *I assume you mean Thin Thug?

    This …

    and points to her

    *So the ‘something’ was Candy. Say Candy so it’s clear.

    … and points to Candy.

    Bottom of page four is one big block of text. Shoot for three lines, four max, five if you just gotta.

    Page 5

    manhole in the ceiling

    *Manhole? In an apartment? Maybe skylight.

    *Okay, so the ‘loving sister’ left her defenceless brother with the thugs?

    This …

    CANDY
    (V.O.)
    Gotta rest. Gotta get my head
    right.

    (V.O.) belongs to the right of the character heading.

    Page 6

    EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - LATE AFTERNOON

    I take it this is the flashback. Use FLASHBACK to start the scene/sequences.

    This …

    The parents look and smile at each other.

    Stick to names. Let the action/dialogue show us who they are.

    Page 9

    Her right side falls

    *Only her right side? Weird.

    Page 10

    James on the edge of the driveway, arms by his side. In his
    right hand, the 44. His eyes look out somewhere into the
    night.

    *What? How did he get the 44? Vincenzzo released it. Nothing about him tossing it.

    This …

    A bullet flies past her head.

    No bullets fired while she was running? Where was this sniper when James was getting the 44? You mentioned a man in silhouette. Man is he fired!

    Well, a sad story, but touching and well told. Some inconsistencies that set all this up. I still don’t get why Candy left her brother behind other than some trauma she simply couldn’t shake and it messed with her reason and logic.

    But I am guessing she got her revenge, and that’s what she came for.

    Nice story. Thanks for sharing it.

    a


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    #52
    Senior Member Nektonic's Avatar
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    Noel, I really enjoyed Candy. This script was action packed. That Candy, she really knows how to kick some. I was wondering if her last name was Kane? Maybe Candace Kane, and Candy for her street name.

    Revenge stories are hard because they've been done so many times but if you can put an original stamp and style on the basic formula, then you will connect with a wide audience. I think you did that with this story.

    My only suggestion would be to give this some breathing room in terms of some of the pacing. At times it felt a little to fast paced. Then again maybe I'm just getting old. You got everything in in 10 pages and maybe that is some of the reason. So I wouldn't dock points for that.

    Also, it would be nice to have a little more development of the father/mayor's antagonistic relationship with the crime bosses. I understood what you were going for and what the crime bosses motivations were. Even though it is not the main plot, it would be nice to see that backstory developed a little bit more because it is interesting.

    And this is just a suggestion. When Candy goes to take out the crime boss, instead of just driving up and getting out of her car to shoot the two goons; I think it would be neat and more believable if she speed towards them with her Toyota. The thugs maybe get off a few rounds before she plows into them with the car, maybe then smashing into the side of the mafioso's mansion or going through the front gate. Then she could get out and shoot up the place. So maybe pump some more action into the finale if you decide to expand the length of this.

    A solid adrenaline pumping read. Very visual and would be great to see produced. I see this as being very vivid and colorful for some reason, but still with some grittiness and darkness as well.
    Last edited by Nektonic; 12-23-2008 at 09:00 AM.


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    #53
    Senior Member pauly_the_hitman's Avatar
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    Great story I was drawn in immediately and loved the relational closeness that Candy had with James. Good job.
    Pauly





    "I have learned silence from the talkative, toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet, strange, I am ungrateful to those teachers."


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    #55
    Mod v2.0 Noel Evans's Avatar
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    Dragging up old threads. Ill be looking to all this solid advice and feedback should the next fest be revengefest. Candy straight up for me would be the perfect candidate. Ive never shot a piece like this - and its time to get serious on the narrative side of life. Not that I dont like what I shoot in my day job, but thats not why I got into this.
    w: Noel Evans TV

    e: noel@noelevans.tv
    p: +61 (0) 408 455 374


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