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    #11
    Senior Member majikfraug's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Captain Pierce View Post
    I laughed at the description of "a deep winding down SOUND." And again at "Misch types cacophonously." I love them both.

    I enjoyed the script a lot, but I have two quibbles. The first is that it seems to end a bit abruptly--SPOILER: I think I got what you were going for, that were probably enough of the "its" that they were unlikely to be rescued, but I just felt we needed a little something more, and I'm not even sure what. The second, and this is ridiculously minor since their ranks are never mentioned in dialog, but I thought that a "midshipman" was a naval academy cadet. It seems odd that cadets would be flying a mission around a moon that hadn't been explored thoroughly enough to find the "its" yet--unless the idea was that it had been explored thoroughly, was considered safe enough to be a training area, and the "its" were coming out of nowhere. Otherwise, I'd just call them lieutenants.
    Yeah the ending was longer and drawn out a bit more, but I had to cut out some of the slow moments and compress the dialog to squish it down to six pages, as I'm sure many of us had to. Limitations of writing for a scriptfest....
    And yes, the idea was that they were on a relatively safe training mission on a well established route, they just veered off course when they saw "something" out of the ordinary. Thanks for the feedback.
    Jeremiah Rounds - Filmmaker


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    #12
    Senior Member majikfraug's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by alex whitmer View Post

    I look forward to reading your script.

    Alex
    And after reading the thread for "Alien Abduction", I look forward to reading your feedback
    Jeremiah Rounds - Filmmaker


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    #13
    Senior Member pauly_the_hitman's Avatar
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    Good job brother glad you were able to get it loaded up in time.
    Pauly





    "I have learned silence from the talkative, toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet, strange, I am ungrateful to those teachers."


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    #14
    Senior Member Horncastle's Avatar
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    A great script - very graphic. Not much to say except that it seems like it could be developed into a gripping feature.
    Jason


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    #15
    Senior Member majikfraug's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Horncastle View Post
    A great script - very graphic. Not much to say except that it seems like it could be developed into a gripping feature.
    Jason
    Thanks!
    *On a side note: I just realized I uploaded the wrong version ... it's not a whole lot different from the final draft, so it's no big deal, I guess.
    Jeremiah Rounds - Filmmaker


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    Script review
    #16
    Senior Member alex whitmer's Avatar
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    This …

    MIDSHIPMAN MELISSA "LISSA" WENDEL,

    Not sure why you would highlight a nickname, but then use their last names in the character heading.

    This …

    manages to roll gracefully out and onto her feat.

    Typo. Feet.

    Far too many ING verbs.

    This …

    Neither of them look happy at the thought of
    sitting around in the dark waiting for rescue.

    We can’t read their minds. You could stop at ‘neither of them look happy’.

    This …

    She remembers. It isn't the sort of thing one easily forgets.

    She who? And the rest is really not filmable.

    This …

    One was enough to knock them off course and into
    the ice bank. More than that...

    We don’t know this. Your audience hasn’t seen this ‘thing’ yet.

    This …

    Melissa Wendel stands

    Don’t need the first name.

    This …

    WENDEL
    You got it sport. Zip me up?

    Sport? Is that something scientists say to each other? Do space suits have zippers?

    This …

    I'm not gay. It's just for luck.

    No reason at all for a line like that. Doesn’t fit.

    This …

    MISCH
    That must be what's causing the
    interference. Will it get in the way of
    your digging?

    She shrugs and sparks up the torch

    Lot of pronoun confusion throughout.

    This …

    Misch types cacophonously. A red bar appears on Wendel's HUD.

    These characters are in two different place, but this reads like they are standing next to each other.

    This …

    Get out of there Lissa.

    Your character headings and action use last names, but the dialogue uses nicknames. I need to keep double-checking who is who. Pick one name and stay with it.

    This …

    Wendel slaps her forehead melodramatically and sparks up the

    Forehead? I thought she was wearing a helmet.

    This …

    RESCUE PILOT
    I know. I see it. shi*. There must be
    fifty of them. Oh shi*. shi*!!!

    Not sure shi* is the right word here.

    STORY

    I think the dialogue is heavy, with a lot of information to remember. You could lose a third of it and still tell the story. The whole diatribe on oxygen, for example, is stuff we don't really need to know. We need to know thet are screwed, have a plane to survive until help arrives, and then what they do to secure their situation. The rest is like two chatterbox women in a coffee shop.

    And some of the dialogue just didn’t fit the seriousness of the situation. These are scientists in a heap of trouble, so the dialogue shold stay on task. You can show the personal stuff via looks.

    The kiss on the helemet seems really odd. I just don't see it as likely.

    I am guessing the two main characters are now marooned?

    I think the blue ice tunnel could be really great on film. There are in fact many great cinematic opportunities here.

    Too much confusion on who is where. I see Misch speaking, but I am seeing Wendel in the action.

    Work on your pronouns, trim the dialogue, and I think this will read much better. I'm guessing you can lose a page of fluff here.

    alex


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    #17
    Senior Member majikfraug's Avatar
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    Let me say, before I respond, that I truly appreciate your feedback.

    Quote Originally Posted by alex whitmer View Post
    This …

    MIDSHIPMAN MELISSA "LISSA" WENDEL,

    Not sure why you would highlight a nickname, but then use their last names in the character heading.
    Good point. I listed their full names for costuming/prop purposes, but you're right, I should have stuck with what they call each other for the rest of it. Would have been much clearer that way.

    Quote Originally Posted by alex whitmer View Post
    WENDEL
    You got it sport. Zip me up?

    Sport? Is that something scientists say to each other? Do space suits have zippers?
    I was basing a lot of the dialogue on how we spoke to each other (being nuclear technicians) while I was in the Navy. Nobody spoke overtly "techy" unless they were trying to impress someone. Technically yes, they are on their way to becoming science officers, but I figured friendship would always win out over formality in a "tight spot".
    No, there are no zippers. I felt that what Lissa meant would be obvious, based on the action that follows: ...Misch cranks the seal down on her helmet and there is a soft WHOOSH ...

    Quote Originally Posted by alex whitmer View Post
    Misch types cacophonously. A red bar appears on Wendel's HUD.

    These characters are in two different place, but this reads like they are standing next to each other.
    I guess I could have clarified (again) that Misch's display shows Wendel's HUD. Didn't seem necessary, since I said it before.
    -I know I should have gone back and forth with the scene headings each time I switched from an INT. to an EXT. but that would have easily added another full page and, for the purposes of this fest, I figured Int./Ext. would get the idea across. Besides, I'd rather let the director decide where to cut between the int's and ext's.

    Quote Originally Posted by alex whitmer View Post
    Wendel slaps her forehead melodramatically and sparks up the

    Forehead? I thought she was wearing a helmet.
    She is. Again, I guess I overestimated the reader's intelligence. "She slaps the forehead-ish area of her helmet melodramatically" -better?

    Quote Originally Posted by alex whitmer View Post
    I think the dialogue is heavy, with a lot of information to remember. You could lose a third of it and still tell the story. The whole diatribe on oxygen, for example, is stuff we don't really need to know. We need to know thet are screwed, have a plane to survive until help arrives, and then what they do to secure their situation. The rest is like two chatterbox women in a coffee shop.

    And some of the dialogue just didn’t fit the seriousness of the situation. These are scientists in a heap of trouble, so the dialogue shold stay on task. You can show the personal stuff via looks.

    The information in the dialogue isn't there to "remember". It's there because that's what the characters need to say. Yes, I could easily make the details of the situation a lot more obvious to the audience, but why? The characters are discussing their situation in a way that allows them to comunicate to each other what they need to know. The audience can figure out the important stuff.

    Humor is a coping mechanism. In life-threatening situations, some people talk a lot, and some people clam up. These characters happen to be of the "talkative" variety.

    I made choices based on my understanding of who the characters are. You can make different choices and tell the same story, but then, they wouldn't end up being the same characters.

    Quote Originally Posted by alex whitmer View Post
    The kiss on the helemet seems really odd. I just don't see it as likely.
    You're entitled to your opinion. Others may, or may not, agree.
    My intention was to allow a little bit of Misch's underlying tension (and her concern for the safety of her friend) to come to the surface in a slightly silly act. Lissa gets it, and responds in like manner.
    I know how I would direct it, and it would work.
    Last edited by majikfraug; 08-20-2008 at 02:10 PM.
    Jeremiah Rounds - Filmmaker


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    #18
    Senior Member alex whitmer's Avatar
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    Hey majikfraug,

    I sure did not mean for the critique to come across as harsh by any means, and I agree - much is opinion/perception.

    There is much to like about this and I hope I made that apparent as well. The cinemetaoraphy can be stunning. I just feel the dialogue weighs this one down.


    alex
    Last edited by alex whitmer; 08-20-2008 at 08:28 PM.


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    #19
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    I liked the dialog of these two characters, the quippy banter made me feel like they were an experienced team and could function well under pressure. No panic.

    The names got me, though. Like when the one character calls the other one "joni" out of the blue. Better to stick to consistent naming. (If I am repeating others' comments, forgive me. I've not read through the other posts.)

    The ending seemed a bit unfinished. You had some space left there to do a little more, so I'm not sure if you were rushed or what. The rest of it seemed on a different level than the very end. Not sure how to wrap it up, it just wants to be more I think.

    I enjoyed the story and it kept my attention.


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    #20
    Senior Member chaconkevin's Avatar
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    ..........

    greatness.


    "If it can be written, or thought, it can be filmed." - Stanley Kubrick


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