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    #21
    Senior Member david jerome's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ian Arroway View Post
    first line, “just reaching the age of maturity” is really kind of ambiguous. when exactly to we reach maturity?
    It is at different ages all over the earth and certainly there are different times when considering the universe and alien life forms. I just didn't feeling like relating the Platinorians to humans in that way.

    Quote Originally Posted by Ian Arroway View Post
    the reference to hanging seems incongruous with a sci-fi interplanetary war universe.
    I guess you've never been to Platinoor.

    Quote Originally Posted by Ian Arroway View Post
    This is not r-rated material here what with soaked panties and arm-length shafts.
    That's not fair Ian, I read the peeing part in your script.

    Quote Originally Posted by Ian Arroway View Post
    oh my god, you’ve actually trumped the previous brick of narrative with something twice as large.
    Don't say twice as large.

    Quote Originally Posted by Ian Arroway View Post
    there seems to be a nice idea hidden in this somewhere but it’s barely discernable behind what surpasses erotica to become (in my opinion) simple porn.

    Sorry if I missed the rating on this, I had no idea what the rating was. It was not intentional. That's actually how the story unfolded to me. On the plus side there was no use of profanity.

    Thanks for the comments Ian. And thanks for reading.


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    #22
    Senior Member nitramlehcar's Avatar
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    That's SO funny! I just read the "pee-ing in the butt" part of Ian's script and nearly wet myself! And then I almost did it again when you said "twice as large"!!!!!!!!!!
    "Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition." ~T. Leary


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    #23
    Senior Member jamiejay's Avatar
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    twice as large :p


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    #24
    Knight of the Holy Order krestofre's Avatar
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    The content is what it is, but Ian is absolutely right about the technical aspects of the script. As description goes, this is more novel than screenplay. The dialog is also awfully heavy. Trying reading this out loud. People don't talk like that, even if they're from Platinoor.
    Chris Johnson


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    Script review
    #25
    Senior Member alex whitmer's Avatar
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    Hi David, thanks for sharing with the fest ...


    SPOILERS


    techie stuff

    This ...

    A young girl, just reaching the age of maturity,

    Maybe shorten that to ‘pubescent girl’ since this age varies quite a bit.

    This ...

    wakes up in a room she has never seen before

    We don’t know this.

    This ...

    On the planet Platinoor there are eleven
    males born for every one female

    Planet and Platinoor sound too similar. I’d pick another name.

    This ...

    She is wearing black silk panties with a golden V leading to her
    groin.

    They have black silk panties on Platinoor? Damn, we are not alone!

    Also, you paint a sensuous picture, then use groin, which is such departure. Athletes get kicked in the groin. Don’t beat around the bush (no pun) and maybe say a golden V is embroidered from the waistband to the gusset.

    So far the dialogue is very expositional.

    This ...

    The other breast has a dagger with a blade that separates into two
    points. On the blade are the words ( Protect Our Own ).

    Should be ‘The other breast has a tattoo of ...’. Also, no need to put parenthesis around Protect our own.

    This ...

    Before their seeding the females are valued
    much higher than the warrior males. The
    twelve Elders are given the highest
    respect.

    Don’t get it. Does this mean the females lose value after seeding? Who are the twelve elders? I assume this will be answered, but it come out the blue with nothing to reference.

    So far all the visuals place this squarely on earth: silk bedding, chandeliers, a female form in lingerie.

    Not sure I like the use of bold. It sucks the eye away from the rest of the sentence. I’d lose it.

    This is silly ...

    On one side is a male with water flowing from his shaft. On the other is a female and water is flowing from her hole.

    Shaft and hole are words commonly used in gutter erotica. The visuals here place this story above that, and you should use words appropriate to the mood, like penis and vulva.

    This ...

    On the table is a bottle of lotion that the girl is familiar with ...

    Familiar in what way?, and how is that filmable?

    Page 2

    This ...

    SARAH
    Mother, is that you?

    Mother?

    This ...

    the perfect specimen of the Platinoorian male
    warrior.

    How do we know this?

    This ...

    ELDER SIMON LOWEL
    Sarah, you are a very privileged girl. I am
    the Elder Simon Lowel. I know it is your
    time of seeding. And I am here to fill you
    with my seed.

    The dialogue is dreadfully OTN. Really need to fine tune it.

    Page 3

    You are on the planet earth in the house of
    the Presidents.

    Well this explains a lot.

    This ...

    There can be no stain on
    the future elders or what will become known
    as there beginning.

    Typo. I think you mean ‘their’.

    I gotta say this dialogue is really dragging this down. The early visuals were clean, but now I need to crowd my head with all this Platinoor minutia that I have no idea what really looks like, and there is insufficient visuals to help out.

    Page 4

    This ...

    She goes out the door. Sarah groans and claws at her stomach as if she is trying to pull the animal out of her gut. She begins panting
    and reaches down to her silk panties which are now soaked. The madman
    walks back through the door.

    I’m getting into it here. We finally see Sarah have some reaction, some emotion. Not sure how you will film 'soaked panties', and I don’t think it does anything for the story – unless you develop something where there is a very small window in which a girl can take seed, and there is some kind of visual that shows the time is closing – to add some urgency. Something. And keep it believable.

    Is the madman same as the Elder? If so, stick to Elder.

    Page 5

    This ...

    Her face contorts as she craves it. He puts his massive hands on her thighs and presses out.

    Way too many pronouns all jumbled up.

    This ...

    You want to do this the hard way do you.

    Maybe should have a ?

    This ...

    Well Sarah, that just makes it more
    exciting for me.

    I’m not buying any of this dialogue. It comes across as way too human.

    Also, by now I should be really rooting for Sarah, but nothing has really told me much I can relate to. If she is your protag, and I am to experience the film through her, then I am feeling a little empty-handed here. I get that she is battling a physical urgency that is part of her genetic code if you will, but what is her reason for wanting to refuse her destiny?

    Like this ...

    SARAH
    (hateful)
    You can do to me what you want. I will
    never give you a litter. I swear I will die
    before that happens.

    What is her reason? Is she really willing to die for whatever that reason is?

    This ...

    He points it towards her and sprays a mist
    in her face.

    Hmm, feels like a date-rape scenario.

    This ...

    Protecting my own you twisted perverted
    coward!

    Why would she say perverted? This is a ritual that I assume all the Platinoorians are aware of. Unless of course it is forced upon them by Elders craving virgins, and then write laws to give them rightful access.

    STORY

    Okay, well I didn’t see this as pornographic, but rather as sci fi erotica that missed its mark. It sadly comes across as male fantasy over pure story telling. You need to get the Larry Flynt out of it.

    I am a big fan of erotica, and actually write it professionally for a women’s erotica website. For erotica to work well, it needs to appeal to both men and women in some way. Erotica is about human sexuality, porno is just misguided curiosity. I don’t think this will appeal to many women in that Sarah never really is developed enough (no pun) to make her a solid protag with a clear goal that both men and women can relate to.

    The title is great. The concept is great. Love the idea of women having litters, but then she would need more nipples to make it believable.

    Maybe read up on ‘double intender’ and see how you can shed this screenplay of all that expositional writing. As it is we have a young girl/woman listening to yards of blabber about her craving and destiny.

    I think you have a ‘seed’ here, just need to find it’s tao.

    alex
    Last edited by alex whitmer; 08-14-2008 at 02:47 PM.


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    #26
    Senior Member nitramlehcar's Avatar
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    I have to disagree that this wouldn't appeal to many women. Perhaps I'm a little more on the extreme side of female preference, but I loved the dirty (masculine) imagery. I guess I prefer the "gutter erotica." It's cool to see erotica that's clearly written by a man for a change.

    You mentioned two parts in critique that were probably my favorite. I loved the imagery of the statues in front of the bed and I had no issue with "shaft" or "hole." I think "penis" and "vulva" would've been a little too feminine. No one really says "vulva" anyway.

    I think she called him perverted, not because of the ritual, but rather because he admitted to her that he murdered the entire population of their planet. I could be wrong though.
    "Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition." ~T. Leary


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    #27
    Senior Member alex whitmer's Avatar
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    It will certainly appeal to some, just not across the board. I could be wrong. I usually am.

    I'm not saying erotica should be pretty or sugar-coated (banish the thought) but somehow this lacked an emotional or intellectual bond to ground it.

    I would have liked to have seen Sarah really battle her physical cravings vs her purpose for refusing them. So much script was used up with Elder talking, that we never got to see the internal struggle, that in my humble opinion, would have moved this up a notch or two.

    I like a good gutter-erotica story as well - it just seemed out of place here.

    a


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    #28
    Senior Member alex whitmer's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by nitramlehcar View Post
    No one really says "vulva" anyway.
    I say it all the time - in the shower, walking the dog, reading poetry!

    No, seruiously, maybe not a better choice, but somehow hole lacks 'warmth'.

    a


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    #29
    Senior Member nitramlehcar's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by alex whitmer View Post
    I say it all the time - in the shower, walking the dog, reading poetry!

    No, seruiously, maybe not a better choice, but somehow hole lacks 'warmth'.

    a

    I'm going to make an effort to say it spontaneosly in every conversation. It's going to be my new non sequitor!
    "Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition." ~T. Leary


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    #30
    Senior Member david jerome's Avatar
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    alex,
    Thank you for your comments. I'm taking it all in. A few points. Sarah does not think this is her destiny. Elder Simon and Sister Ariel have schemed all this and are using her. Elder Simon is very arrogant and no longer feels the need to hide his plan. He also understands the overwhelming power of Sarah's instinct for seeding and is taking full advantage of it. The normal ritual would have her mother's encouragement and support and a kind, helpful elder. This race is very ingrained with the idea of protecting their own. Sarah would rather die than to be used as a tool for a traitor who has just detroyed her family and her people. It goes against everything she believes in. So she is in a great struggle between her body and mind.

    Thanks again for reading. I would love to read some of your stories if available.


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