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    #41
    Senior Member seansshack's Avatar
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    Interesting idea and concept. Some of the words used seem out of place (more suited to a sex novel)

    Some of the dialog is much too wordy (but just me).

    The action/description on page 6 is massive. Nearly a page without a paragraph break. But not enough visual description in the rest of the script.

    But overall interesting and different to what I expected.


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    #42
    Senior Member Russell Moore's Avatar
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    <SPOILERS>



    I have no problem with the content or the idea. I actually like a lot of the ideas that are talked about in the script, but therein lies the problem, the ideas and action are just talked about.
    There were such long sections of redundant dialogue and/or with so much exposition, it was just tedious getting through it.
    There was a lot of talk about action, but very little of it to see.

    I think there are a lot of really good ideas in this script and you can really write well. I'm just not sure this should be a script, but a short story.
    Last edited by Russell Moore; 08-19-2008 at 07:07 AM.
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    #43
    Senior Member pauly_the_hitman's Avatar
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    Well what do I think of it? I liked it I must agree with most of the comments so far. Very erotic, but seemed better suited for a novel or maybe it would translate better on film. I still enjoyed reading it and think it was a good overall concept.
    Pauly





    "I have learned silence from the talkative, toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet, strange, I am ungrateful to those teachers."


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    #44
    Senior Member Captain Pierce's Avatar
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    I seem to recall reading somewhere that the ScriptFest scripts should conform to the same "R" rating that's enforced for the film Fests, but I can't seem to find it now. IMO, you've gone beyond that here.

    I think I see where you're going with this, but to me the "great struggle between her body and mind" just gets lost underneath that massive sex/rape scene.

    What I would have like to have seen was more about what happens to Sarah after all this. If the Elder was telling the truth, and she and Ariel are now the only Platinoor alive in the universe, what will happen to her? It's going to be hard for her to explain the Elder's death in any way that lets the humans still trust her, so do they eliminate her? Or does Ariel convince them that she can change Sarah's mind and bring her around eventually. I think I'd also like to see it end on the birth of Sarah's litter, and have it not be the tradition 11 males and 1 female, but maybe half-and-half, or even 11 females to one male, just to suggest that the new Platinoor is going to be really different from the old. But this is all probably too much for six pages...
    Last edited by Captain Pierce; 08-22-2008 at 06:05 AM.
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    #45
    Senior Member david jerome's Avatar
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    Thanks for all the comments and feedback. It's been very helpful. I was originally writing this for a short story and decided to adapt it for the fest. I think it works better for a short story and will use some of the helpful advise given here to complete it. Again, thanks you for taking the time to read and comment.


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    #46
    Senior Member jamiejay's Avatar
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