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08-22-2008 11:20 PM
claudius's monologue to himself on page 4 is like a cheesy comic book villain twiddling his thumbs while going over his diabolical plan. just doesn't play right on film.
also, why do vampires have to have such dandy-boy effeminate names?
He finds a trap door just beneath his feet and slowly opens
it. He finds a stairway and descends.
Ohhh Dimitri, it now appears you
have no arms....how will you hold
my Fiona now?(laughs)
overall, the dialog was too theatrical and on-the-nose. very little of it sounded believable. apart from that good one liner i felt rather uninvolved in the whole thing. vampires are tricky to do in a cool new light. it takes a really strong angle that i don't think you have here.
good luck with it.