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08-21-2008 07:24 PM
The long exposition speeches stand out as just that. I would work those into the story more with interaction. I would of left out the head council member talking to the soldiers, leaves a whoa factor at the end. Other than that Good job. Good story. Good read. Thanks for sharing.
08-21-2008 08:53 PM
The first batch of dialogue on page 1 between Dimitri, Jonas, and Fiona (love the names you picked for the characters by the way) is formatted properly, while the next scene’s dialogue is formatted differently. The dialogue formatting then goes back to normal on page 4. At the top of page 3, I think that you could get away with just Abbadon watches Claudius exit.
The speech by Claudius while he looks into the mirror seems unnecessary to me. It also comes off as unnatural. I think that you could cut it, and just have him smash his mirror or have the dialogue play out in a VOICE OVER while he stares into the broken mirror. This would then imply that he is thinking about what he is going to do to Dimitri and Fiona, also avoiding the problem of having a character speaking their direct thoughts on screen for no reason other than to tell the audience the plot. You could also have another vampire ask him what he intends to do. This would be his answer.
On page 4 when you describe Claudius using his vampire senses, I think that you should visualize how this special sense works. Maybe show Fiona sleeping. Her heart beating. The sound of the beats echo through the city. Then somehow connect it with Claudius in his car. He can smell Fiona’s fear is a bit too abstract for a script.
On page 5 I would break up the block of action description a bit. I know, 6 page limit might have forced this compromise, but for future drafts you won’t be as limited. You could also lose the description of Claudius pleading. If it is character dialogue the rule of thumb is to put it into actual dialogue.
In some of your dialogue blocks you have the parentheticals mixed in with the lines. They should get their own line whether below the character name or in the middle of the lines of dialogue. Also, some lines like “Fiona cannot bear to look upon this horror” could be cut. Basically, anything that is not a sound or a visual shouldn’t be in the descriptions. Simply saying that she turns away is enough to get the point across.
I really liked the plot. I can’t say anything bad about it. I thought that Claudius would be defeated but it didn’t turn out like that. I liked that you went with a less predictable yet tragic ending. The world you created worked really well. It did remind me a little bit of the film Underworld, but not too much. Abbadon’s speech at the end really tied things up nicely. This was an entertaining read. It also seems like there is more story potential with the Vampires and Lyzines beyond this script. Well done."We've all been used...and reused...and abused...and amused!" [ ZARDOZ ]
"If you don't have anything to say then you shouldn't be making films. It's nothing to do with what lens you're using." [ Chris Doyle ]
CURRENCY -- Scriptfest I Entry
LEGENDS OF MAGOLIA: The Noble Blade -- Scriptfest II (Sci-Fi) Entry
08-21-2008 09:20 PM
A good drama, filled with creatures of the night ... whats not to like. Jonas and the rest of the Lyzines sort of take a backseat in the story, which although not necessarily bad, seems disappointing, Jonas is there for a few words of setup and then he's gone. I know 6 pages is tight but it can be done. Claudius being tossed aside and receiving nothing for all his misdeeds is spot on, but then it ends, he lifts his head up and ... what does he do then?
08-22-2008 07:25 AM
I would love to see this on film. My favorite part,
"Ohhh Dimitri, it now appears you
have no arms....how will you holdmy Fiona now?"
I think this is a good beginning to the Claudius Chronicles. I hope you write more about him.
08-22-2008 07:08 PM
08-22-2008 07:20 PM
thanks for your feedback....I do agree with losing a lot of the more action lines to incorporate more of the dialogue...the more I read it the more I find things I could have done differently....I actually like the scene of Claudius looking in the mirror and talking to himself....many times when people are anxious, upest or really pissed off..the first thing they start doing...they talk to themself.....I wanted him to be completely overwhelmed with his anger that he was working through his plans....simply because he couldn't tell anyone because his intent was to defy the council. I completely agree that I wrote too much emotion into some scenes...this is due to my background in writing stories...not scripts....hopefully, this will be a good experience and I will know better next time! Thanks!
08-22-2008 08:17 PM
Last edited by agalla1; 08-22-2008 at 08:35 PM.