"Pawn"

[agalla1]

Cool story. I agree about the moment of remorse, it needs to be shown somehow.
The title also really gives away the ending. I was looking for the pawn from the start.

Nice work though, interesting script.


Mike

You are quite correct about the name of the story...sorry if it gave it away too early!

[agalla1]

As somebody who has a tendency to overuse parentheticals unless I watch myself very closely, I see the same thing in this script. (Also, I don't pretend to be an expert on script formatting, but my understanding is that a parenthetical should be on its own line, not mixed into the dialog.)

There's also a couple of things that just sort of trail off into nothingness. Dmitri and Fiona both get guns from Jonas, and both disappear just as thoroughly as Jonas himself does, for example.

Maybe it's just me, but I don't think a lot of basement hiding places come equipped with exit windows. Also in that category, I thought the idea of ripping all Dmitri's limbs off was a little much, but I'm not exactly your target market for this sort of thing.

On the plus side, I think you did a good job of setting up the human/vamp/Lyzine relationship with resorting to lengthy exposition; Abbadon sets it up pretty nicely in a short speech, we get the essentials and not anything extra and unnecessary. And what happens to Claudius is an interesting departure from what I expected (which was some sort of typical challenge of Abbadon for leadership of the vamps and that whole kind of thing.)

yeah the disappearing guns could probably be tied to the accidental props that are left on set while filming...and somehow make it into production...unnoticed? lol! great points...definitely things I can use if I decide to do another script!

[STYLZ]

The long exposition speeches stand out as just that. I would work those into the story more with interaction. I would of left out the head council member talking to the soldiers, leaves a whoa factor at the end. Other than that Good job. Good story. Good read. Thanks for sharing.

[Nektonic]

The first batch of dialogue on page 1 between Dimitri, Jonas, and Fiona (love the names you picked for the characters by the way) is formatted properly, while the next scene’s dialogue is formatted differently. The dialogue formatting then goes back to normal on page 4. At the top of page 3, I think that you could get away with just Abbadon watches Claudius exit.

The speech by Claudius while he looks into the mirror seems unnecessary to me. It also comes off as unnatural. I think that you could cut it, and just have him smash his mirror or have the dialogue play out in a VOICE OVER while he stares into the broken mirror. This would then imply that he is thinking about what he is going to do to Dimitri and Fiona, also avoiding the problem of having a character speaking their direct thoughts on screen for no reason other than to tell the audience the plot. You could also have another vampire ask him what he intends to do. This would be his answer.

On page 4 when you describe Claudius using his vampire senses, I think that you should visualize how this special sense works. Maybe show Fiona sleeping. Her heart beating. The sound of the beats echo through the city. Then somehow connect it with Claudius in his car. He can smell Fiona’s fear is a bit too abstract for a script.

On page 5 I would break up the block of action description a bit. I know, 6 page limit might have forced this compromise, but for future drafts you won’t be as limited. You could also lose the description of Claudius pleading. If it is character dialogue the rule of thumb is to put it into actual dialogue.

In some of your dialogue blocks you have the parentheticals mixed in with the lines. They should get their own line whether below the character name or in the middle of the lines of dialogue. Also, some lines like “Fiona cannot bear to look upon this horror” could be cut. Basically, anything that is not a sound or a visual shouldn’t be in the descriptions. Simply saying that she turns away is enough to get the point across.

I really liked the plot. I can’t say anything bad about it. I thought that Claudius would be defeated but it didn’t turn out like that. I liked that you went with a less predictable yet tragic ending. The world you created worked really well. It did remind me a little bit of the film Underworld, but not too much. Abbadon’s speech at the end really tied things up nicely. This was an entertaining read. It also seems like there is more story potential with the Vampires and Lyzines beyond this script. Well done.

[MrKilloran]

A good drama, filled with creatures of the night ... whats not to like. Jonas and the rest of the Lyzines sort of take a backseat in the story, which although not necessarily bad, seems disappointing, Jonas is there for a few words of setup and then he's gone. I know 6 pages is tight but it can be done. Claudius being tossed aside and receiving nothing for all his misdeeds is spot on, but then it ends, he lifts his head up and ... what does he do then?

Nice job.

[david jerome]

I would love to see this on film. My favorite part,

"Ohhh Dimitri, it now appears you

have no arms....how will you hold

my Fiona now?"

I think this is a good beginning to the Claudius Chronicles. I hope you write more about him.

[agalla1]

A good drama, filled with creatures of the night ... whats not to like. Jonas and the rest of the Lyzines sort of take a backseat in the story, which although not necessarily bad, seems disappointing, Jonas is there for a few words of setup and then he's gone. I know 6 pages is tight but it can be done. Claudius being tossed aside and receiving nothing for all his misdeeds is spot on, but then it ends, he lifts his head up and ... what does he do then?

Nice job.

Glad you liked it! With only 6 pages to make it work...it was my intention to have Jonas and the Lyzines take a backseat...I mainly wanted to focus on the relationship between Fiona, Dimitri and Claudius..with a little touch of Abaddon. The last line originally had him looking up and you would see the horror in his eyes...the camera hopefully, would display his anguish over what he had just done....hope that helps a little...thanks again for the feedback! ;-)

[agalla1]

I would love to see this on film. My favorite part,

"Ohhh Dimitri, it now appears you

have no arms....how will you hold

my Fiona now?"

I think this is a good beginning to the Claudius Chronicles. I hope you write more about him.

hahaha! I like the ring of Claudius Chronicles! Happy that you liked it...I doubt scrip writing will be in my future...maybe I should stick to books! ;-)

[agalla1]

The first batch of dialogue on page 1 between Dimitri, Jonas, and Fiona (love the names you picked for the characters by the way) is formatted properly, while the next scene’s dialogue is formatted differently. The dialogue formatting then goes back to normal on page 4. At the top of page 3, I think that you could get away with just Abbadon watches Claudius exit.

The speech by Claudius while he looks into the mirror seems unnecessary to me. It also comes off as unnatural. I think that you could cut it, and just have him smash his mirror or have the dialogue play out in a VOICE OVER while he stares into the broken mirror. This would then imply that he is thinking about what he is going to do to Dimitri and Fiona, also avoiding the problem of having a character speaking their direct thoughts on screen for no reason other than to tell the audience the plot. You could also have another vampire ask him what he intends to do. This would be his answer.

On page 4 when you describe Claudius using his vampire senses, I think that you should visualize how this special sense works. Maybe show Fiona sleeping. Her heart beating. The sound of the beats echo through the city. Then somehow connect it with Claudius in his car. He can smell Fiona’s fear is a bit too abstract for a script.

On page 5 I would break up the block of action description a bit. I know, 6 page limit might have forced this compromise, but for future drafts you won’t be as limited. You could also lose the description of Claudius pleading. If it is character dialogue the rule of thumb is to put it into actual dialogue.

In some of your dialogue blocks you have the parentheticals mixed in with the lines. They should get their own line whether below the character name or in the middle of the lines of dialogue. Also, some lines like “Fiona cannot bear to look upon this horror” could be cut. Basically, anything that is not a sound or a visual shouldn’t be in the descriptions. Simply saying that she turns away is enough to get the point across.

I really liked the plot. I can’t say anything bad about it. I thought that Claudius would be defeated but it didn’t turn out like that. I liked that you went with a less predictable yet tragic ending. The world you created worked really well. It did remind me a little bit of the film Underworld, but not too much. Abbadon’s speech at the end really tied things up nicely. This was an entertaining read. It also seems like there is more story potential with the Vampires and Lyzines beyond this script. Well done.

thanks for your feedback....I do agree with losing a lot of the more action lines to incorporate more of the dialogue...the more I read it the more I find things I could have done differently....I actually like the scene of Claudius looking in the mirror and talking to himself....many times when people are anxious, upest or really pissed off..the first thing they start doing...they talk to themself.....I wanted him to be completely overwhelmed with his anger that he was working through his plans....simply because he couldn't tell anyone because his intent was to defy the council. I completely agree that I wrote too much emotion into some scenes...this is due to my background in writing stories...not scripts....hopefully, this will be a good experience and I will know better next time! Thanks!

[agalla1]

The long exposition speeches stand out as just that. I would work those into the story more with interaction. I would of left out the head council member talking to the soldiers, leaves a whoa factor at the end. Other than that Good job. Good story. Good read. Thanks for sharing.

I needed to tie in the part of Claudius being the "pawn"...I think the whooaa factor was still there but I think many reader's would question why he sent soldier's to follow Claudius....what was his motivation in having him followed...which then reveals itselt with Abaddon's ending speech....maybe I could have worked it in somewhere else in the story but I am pretty happy with my first script. Hope you enjoyed it!