Thread: "Pawn"

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    #11
    Senior Member MiataFilmSomething's Avatar
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    Vampire lore scripts are always neat. I can't help but feel that the dialog in this was a little too melodramatic. If that is your intention, and you mean for the feel of the film to be grand and opera like in style and feel, then it's all good. If you were going for a more realistic, real world feel, then you may want to change some of the phrasing and comments.

    I like the twist at the end. It couldn't be done because of time's sake, but I'd like to see the end scenes played out more. Have Claudious revel in his evil and be super proud of what he's done, and soak it all in, enjoying his revenge. Then, immediatley after that, get his mind thinking of what he's done, and the guilt sets in. He'd be confused, angry, almost afraid, becuase he knows he's not supposed to feel that way. Then the head vamp comes in and spills the beans.

    I can't believe Claudious defied the council. It's like the Episode III of vampire movies ;)

    Fun read!
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    #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by jamiejay View Post
    SPOILER











    SPOILER









    Great writing! You can't go wrong with vampires... (not even in 30 days of night despite how ridiculous it was, it was still entertaining to me)... and you definitely have the Anne Rice thing down. The entire script flowed easily and it was easy to follow. I'm glad he felt remorse at the end. Using the title "Pawn" was great foreshadowing of how they used Claudius for their own agenda.

    If you had more pages, it would've been great to Claudius and Fiona together before he is attacked to develop their relationship and to make his remorse even more apparent in the end.

    Great work!
    Thanks! I definitely would've preferred a stronger connection between Fiona and Dimitri and thinking back...probably the events leading up to the "betrayal" would have been a great story as well! Glad you liked it!


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    #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by MiataFilmSomething View Post
    Vampire lore scripts are always neat. I can't help but feel that the dialog in this was a little too melodramatic. If that is your intention, and you mean for the feel of the film to be grand and opera like in style and feel, then it's all good. If you were going for a more realistic, real world feel, then you may want to change some of the phrasing and comments.

    I like the twist at the end. It couldn't be done because of time's sake, but I'd like to see the end scenes played out more. Have Claudious revel in his evil and be super proud of what he's done, and soak it all in, enjoying his revenge. Then, immediatley after that, get his mind thinking of what he's done, and the guilt sets in. He'd be confused, angry, almost afraid, becuase he knows he's not supposed to feel that way. Then the head vamp comes in and spills the beans.

    I can't believe Claudious defied the council. It's like the Episode III of vampire movies ;)

    Fun read!
    I definitely agree that some of the scenes could have been played out more but oh those page counts! ;-) A little more dramatic was intentional since I prefer theatre to movies...I tend ot pull from the over exaggerations the stage offers....very happy you ejoyed it and I greatly appreciate the feedback!


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    #14
    Senior Member Russell Moore's Avatar
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    I like vampire stories and I thought you had a lot of good elements in this story.

    Giving the story a love triangle makes it more than just a horror piece or action piece.

    After Claudius kills his brother you mention that he feels a moment of remorse. This is fine if I'm just reading it, but in a script we have to see it. So some way to 'show' that he feels remorseful. It could be something like....

    Claudius pauses for a moment over his brother. Dimitri's dead eyes stare unseeing back at him. Claudius reaches forward and carefully pushes Dimitri's eyelids shut.

    Thats not a great example, but just something to show how he feels.

    The scene where Claudius kills his brother is appropriately gory, I'm always a sucker for a little dismemberment.

    I have one question though. If Claudius used his vampire senses to locate Fiona, then why couldn't the other vampires do the same thing?

    I liked the end and how Claudius is betrayed and used by the council. Well done!
    the writer formerly known as "Conlan Forever"

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    Quote Originally Posted by conlanforever View Post
    I like vampire stories and I thought you had a lot of good elements in this story.

    Giving the story a love triangle makes it more than just a horror piece or action piece.

    After Claudius kills his brother you mention that he feels a moment of remorse. This is fine if I'm just reading it, but in a script we have to see it. So some way to 'show' that he feels remorseful. It could be something like....

    Claudius pauses for a moment over his brother. Dimitri's dead eyes stare unseeing back at him. Claudius reaches forward and carefully pushes Dimitri's eyelids shut.

    Thats not a great example, but just something to show how he feels.

    The scene where Claudius kills his brother is appropriately gory, I'm always a sucker for a little dismemberment.

    I have one question though. If Claudius used his vampire senses to locate Fiona, then why couldn't the other vampires do the same thing?

    I liked the end and how Claudius is betrayed and used by the council. Well done!
    Thanks for the feedback! definitely are great observations that I wish I could have elaborated on a little more....the point of Claudius and using vampire senses to locate Fiona....I mainly was going on a "connection"...the other vampires had no personal connections to anyone in the Lyzine army...but Claudius was consumed by his anger, hatred, desire for revenge...so these feelings led to a more "hightened" state of senses...mainly a point to how our passions can consume us if we allow them to. Thanks for the great feedback! I definitely will use it for the next time I re-enter in scriptfest! ;-)


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    #16
    Senior Member Russell Moore's Avatar
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    The fact that he had a personal connection and he would be more in tune makes perfect sense. That clears it up for me. I think passion of one form of the other has gotten the best of everybody at some point. Though it never actually got to the point where I dismembered someone ;)
    the writer formerly known as "Conlan Forever"

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    #17
    Senior Member pauly_the_hitman's Avatar
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    Dialog seemed kind of over dramatic, and the story could use a little fine tunning but overall a good read.
    Pauly





    "I have learned silence from the talkative, toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet, strange, I am ungrateful to those teachers."


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    #18
    Senior Member MiataFilmSomething's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by pauly_the_hitman View Post
    Dialog seemed kind of over dramatic, and the story could use a little fine tunning but overall a good read.
    Pauly


    I agreed with you in an above post, but ag told me it was meant to be that way. So if you make the movie with that frame of mind, it could be pulled off in an over the top mood.

    I don't think the dialog is any worse than Episode III. When I watch that movie now I try to watch it in an over the top theater operatic state of mind, and it makes the movie more fun to watch. I see this being done in the same way.
    "...and knowing is half the battle. The other half is violence..."


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    #19
    More Cowbell Pictures Michael Anthony Horrigan's Avatar
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    Cool story. I agree about the moment of remorse, it needs to be shown somehow.
    The title also really gives away the ending. I was looking for the pawn from the start.

    Nice work though, interesting script.


    Mike


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    #20
    Senior Member Captain Pierce's Avatar
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    As somebody who has a tendency to overuse parentheticals unless I watch myself very closely, I see the same thing in this script. (Also, I don't pretend to be an expert on script formatting, but my understanding is that a parenthetical should be on its own line, not mixed into the dialog.)

    There's also a couple of things that just sort of trail off into nothingness. Dmitri and Fiona both get guns from Jonas, and both disappear just as thoroughly as Jonas himself does, for example.

    Maybe it's just me, but I don't think a lot of basement hiding places come equipped with exit windows. Also in that category, I thought the idea of ripping all Dmitri's limbs off was a little much, but I'm not exactly your target market for this sort of thing.

    On the plus side, I think you did a good job of setting up the human/vamp/Lyzine relationship with resorting to lengthy exposition; Abbadon sets it up pretty nicely in a short speech, we get the essentials and not anything extra and unnecessary. And what happens to Claudius is an interesting departure from what I expected (which was some sort of typical challenge of Abbadon for leadership of the vamps and that whole kind of thing.)
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