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    #11
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    Great job Jamie! I thought the script was well written...I love how you took a classical story and instead of modifying it...you just added a prelude...it was entertaining, creative and really shows your great range.
    Last edited by agalla1; 08-22-2008 at 07:27 PM.


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    #12
    Senior Member nitramlehcar's Avatar
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    oooohh, jamiejay! That deserves to be more than 6 pages. I got a little chill at the end.....seriously....I have chicken skin right now!
    "Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition." ~T. Leary


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    #13
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    I loved the part where he squeezes the eyeball juice! Somehow I must have skipped that part when I read your script before.


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    #14
    Senior Member jamiejay's Avatar
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    ^^SPOILERS^^ from here on, and in the post above. Bridget!!

    I actually added a lot since you read it, I think. The whole egg scene is new and I fixed the ending a little. Nothing like eyeball juice
    Last edited by jamiejay; 08-14-2008 at 09:24 AM.


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    #15
    Senior Member Russell Moore's Avatar
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    I liked the graphic visuals and how they coincided with the outcome you used in the making of the Goblin's concoctions. I mean, who doesn't like some eyeball juice?

    After the Goblin compliments her necklace, Muriel replies with sudden hatred. Thats fine, but I think you could leave out the "as the flawed potion has the opposite effect" part of it. Let the reader figure it out, you foreshadowed it well enough. It took me out of the story a little bit.

    Otherwise, I thought you "spun" a very entertaining tale.
    the writer formerly known as "Conlan Forever"

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    #16
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    This was a good read, a new twist on a classic fairytale.

    Good use of dialogue, felt very natural. It built up a very naive, gulliable trait to Muriel that she can't sense bad vibe from the Goblin. It works under the fairytale premises.

    The dinner scene felt a little unrealistic. Edgar gets sick and Muriel's dad just replaces him with Goblin and everything is ok. I can buy Muriel is naive, but not the same for the dad. Like, what kind of dinner was it? Why would you just replace an invited and expected dear friend with your neighbor. It felt like a special dinner. Didn't seem right for both Muriel and Dad to just let Goblin take Edgar's place.

    There were some formatting problems. When you say "cut to" it should be a new scene heading. Usually, people don't use "cut to" anymore, it's understood.

    Also, you did a good job of communicating that the Goblin's spell was going to backfire on him, so the part whiel Muriel drinks his potion, there doesn't need to be "(with sudden hatred as potion as opposite effect)" It is already obvious what has happend just but the words she says. You've already shown that potion has backfired. Whenever you can show something, you don't need to state it in words.
    Indie filmmaker/writer/director/editor/3D animator/VFXs/

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    #17
    Senior Member jamiejay's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by conlanforever View Post
    .... I think you could leave out the "as the flawed potion has the opposite effect" part of it. Let the reader figure it out, you foreshadowed it well enough. It took me out of the story a little bit.

    Adding the part about the "flawed potion" was the very last thing I did. And I think you are right that it wasn't needed. I guess I was worried it wouldn't be clear enough that it was the result of his "mistake", which I guess I took a bit more to heart than was actually necessary for the fest. This was my first script ever so...

    Thanks for the positive comments!


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    #18
    Senior Member jamiejay's Avatar
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    realogist-

    I really wanted to add more about the goblin somehow getting her father to invite him to dinner, perhaps through magic or deception which is what I was suggesting when he says "and now to get her to taste it" or whatever the line was, but length requirements prevented that. I definitely agree that it would have made it better.

    It's funny to me that the VERY last thing I added ("as the flawed potion...") is what stands out as something that should have been left out. I also agree with you on that... (see post above)

    Again, seeing as how I have never even attempted to write a script of any kind, I appreciate the positive feedback.


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    #19
    Senior Member mjjason's Avatar
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    Never read the story of Rumpelstiltskin so I am not sure if you were playing off it in someway or another but it sounds like this is a pre-cursor to that story. I like it overall as it had that old fantasy feeling to it that you get when you read those old stories. You caught that well.

    Though I would say that the early school yard scene made me think it was based in modern times so when you described the king and the castle I had to shift gear a little and re-adjust my thinking. I think you need to clarify the time frame sooner as it was unclear, at least for me.

    Overall, a good story but kind of lost on me as I didn't grasp the connection to the old tale.


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    #20
    Senior Member MiataFilmSomething's Avatar
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    A neat story that provides the chance for some great visuals. I could imagine the cottage and all the ingredients in my mind. Great writing style to be able to do that.

    I would have liked to see a little more tension or development in the script. I imagine that with the filming style this could be done.

    Hopefully gritty fairy tale movies will make a comeback. Pan's Labyrinth got things kicking off for us all I hope.

    Good job!
    "...and knowing is half the battle. The other half is violence..."


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