"Entitled" - jamiejay

[alex whitmer]

but so that it looks perfectly on the page and it has the exact intended meaning and the rhythm of the words are just so.

grammar is often misunderstood to be about strict structure when really it's not. Rhythm is its greatest asset.

not sure if you read my last two responses. i answered the time issue. "flashback" instead of "cut back to" would clear that up i think. no, the goblin hasn't been making the potion for years.

Yes I did read the comments, but just wanted to show where it can kinda manifest itself later on. I don't mean to harp on it, really. Not my style. I guess what threw me was the cat. it went from being a kitten to a cat, and my head automatically added a few years to the story. Plus the age difference in Muriel. Anyways, I'll leave it alone from here!!!!

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[jamiejay]

no, it's perfectly fine... just wasn't sure if you had caught what i had said and if it made sense at all.

i agree about grammar and rhythm. i'm all about the rhythm. it's why i love poetry so much.

[jamiejay]

the goblin is making the potion in the present. every scene we see as he adds an ingredient is a flashback. the first flashback is when the cat is a kitten. muriel ages in each flashback and the last flashback at the market place with edgar is the night before the dinner. the goblin makes the potion that same night and takes edgar's place at dinner the next day to spike the stew. flashback, end flashback would have made all of that more clear.

[alex whitmer]

Page 4

This would need a new slug ...

Cut to Muriel finding the jewelry on her pillow later that
night. She puts it on and admires herself in the mirror.

Other than one missing slug, a few 'cut to' and some INGs, page four was a very nice read.

Alex