Thread: The Building

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    #21
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    well- the winning list is out folks!
    and unfortunately my script is not in there!

    However- anyone seeking this script for production can give me a shout!

    Or I can modify the short script into a feature. (The Government attempts to Kill Michael with the usage of their mind control weapon)
    Last edited by Judgement; 08-25-2008 at 11:44 AM.


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    #22
    Senior Member alex whitmer's Avatar
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    PAGE 1

    This …

    MICHAEL a middle age man is preparing breakfast for his niece SARA. The beacons sizzle on the blazing stove.

    Need a comma after MICHAEL. Also, should be middle-aged.

    We don’t know Sarah is a niece just by looking at her.

    Spelled Bacon wrong. Also, bacon is an uncountable noun, so don’t use plural (‘strips’ of bacon is countable). And, you have not established it exists before this point, so don’t use ‘the’.

    ‘Bacon sizzles on the stove’ will work fine.

    This …

    MICHAEL
    HOT! HOT! One or two?

    No need for caps. We get it. But maybe say Michael reaches into the pan to grab the bacon. His dialogue is disconnected.

    This


    MICHAEL
    (continues)

    If you really gotta use cont’d, do it in caps next to the character heading. I don’t see a need for it, but if the urge is there …

    This …


    Well- you didn’t like the others
    also. How many baby sitters has it been- Huh?

    Should be ‘didn’t like the others either’, not also.

    This …

    MICHAEL
    Ten. And they all has quit in the period of two months.

    Should be ‘And they all have quit …’ Has is for singular.

    This …

    Michael opens the door. Two men stands on the porch. TERRY and TIMOTHY has a strange silver cap on top of their head.

    Here again on the has/have. Doesn’t matter if it’s the verb or the auxiliary form, ‘has’ is singular, have is plural (used for ‘you’ as well since it can be either, and for I, the exception). In other words, use has for he, she, or it. Only!

    This should read something like ‘TERRY and TIMOTHY both have a strange …’
    Last edited by alex whitmer; 08-29-2008 at 04:40 PM.


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    #23
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    Quote Originally Posted by Judgement View Post
    Logline

    Inside a Governmental Building a secret organization controls the world.
    And people would think this is fiction! It obviously is not fiction!


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