Thread: The Building

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    #11
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    thank again for the read and your comments!
    thanks to Postmaster for the 10 stars and to conlanforever and Stylz!
    Thanks to ghalied for pointing out some typos!
    I do hope that persons continues to comment


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    #12
    Dark Side of the Camera Postmaster's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by conlanforever View Post
    I never saw the ending coming. Well done!
    That´s what realy thrills me.

    It´s right in front of you all the time, but you don´t see it comming untill it hits you like a train.

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    #13
    Senior Member pauly_the_hitman's Avatar
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    Very interesting read.
    Pauly





    "I have learned silence from the talkative, toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet, strange, I am ungrateful to those teachers."


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    #14
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    I will echo that I never saw the ending coming and it was great. I dont get the Sara factor, though. Seems a bit unnecessary almost. But this was a great idea that had a very well played ending. The foil hats thing was a hint that something was not quite as it seemed.

    Just work on getting the actual language fleshed out or corrected. I could read around it with no trouble, though.

    Another one I'd like to see get shot.


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    #15
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    Great way to show a twist to a real life event...how many times do we contribute such disaster's to whatever the newsman reports...so I "government conspiracy" spin. For me, once the story read 'Oklahoma City' and the guys name was Timothy and they needed to get into the building things started to reveal themselves but I liked how it all came together in the end!


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    #16
    Senior Member Captain Pierce's Avatar
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    I will refrain on commenting on the grammar/spelling/etc. because I'd have to second Stylz in assuming that you're not a native English speaker.

    As for the story, I was with you right up until the point where you revealed that this was the Oklahoma City bombing. I dunno, maybe it's still "too soon" 15 years later, but it just seems in poor taste.
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    #17
    Senior Member MrKilloran's Avatar
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    A weird twist on a real event, but I liked it. Would have liked more on the actual device though.


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    #18
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    The feature script will highlight the device in detail.


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    #19
    Senior Member arroway's Avatar
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    passive voice opening line. Avoid “is” when you can. A more direct initial line could be “MICHAEL (45) prepares breakfast for his niece SARA (age) who watches wide-eyed as the bacon sizzles and pops in the skillet.”

    “Lily will soon be here”



    I’ve never met anyone that talks like that. The syntax is robotic.


    Some of the dialog seems to have been tabbed like a haiku or something. Don’t do that.

    “Two men stands on the porch. TERRY
    and TIMOTHY has a strange silver cap on top of their head.”

    Confusing line.

    “John drives his vehicle towards his work while the men
    remain quiet in the backseat.”

    Who the hell is john? And why is he driving in the living room? if this a new character we need an introduction and if this is a new scene we need a new slugline.

    Well, that needed a lot of help with typos but the ending was so good I almost forget about them. The execution wasn’t there but this is, for me at least, the best and most original concept of the contest.


    By far.


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    #20
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    LOL---i am trying to figure out why I use John there too!! oh yeah- when i first drafted this... Michael name was John.(my bad)

    Thanks Ian - I will use some of your great suggestions!
    Last edited by Judgement; 08-23-2008 at 09:23 AM.


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