Thread: The Building

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    The Building
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    Inside a Governmental Building a secret organization controls the world.
    Last edited by Judgement; 08-16-2008 at 03:38 PM.


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    Senior Member alex whitmer's Avatar
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    Welcome to the fest. I'll certainly give this one a read!

    aw


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    More Cowbell Pictures Michael Anthony Horrigan's Avatar
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    Interesting. I think the foil caps was a little too 'Signs' for me, that's all I could picture.

    Very interesting story though. Definitely went in a direction that I wasn't expecting.

    Cheers,

    Mike


    MONSTERFEST : 4th Place - Sustained Excellence Award - WESTFEST: 3rd Place - THRILLFEST: 3rd Place


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    Senior Member MiataFilmSomething's Avatar
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    Interesting read and take on a real event. The script reminded me a lot of Arlington Road kinda.

    I think I'd like to see a little bit more above the regular government conspiracy story. The Oklahoma story was a different touch. I'd like to see the mind control device in action.

    You made really a good time and pacing for only a few pages. That's very hard to do!

    Good script!
    "...and knowing is half the battle. The other half is violence..."


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    Senior Member seansshack's Avatar
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    You managed to fit a lot of story in here. Good job.

    Nice tension and pace throughout - one or two places where it was spelt out in dialogue and also some longwinded dialogue - but didn't distract too much.

    In all, a good story that was told well.

    Good job and good luck with it.


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    Thanks alot for the read!

    The biggest problem I had was trying to jam everything closer together just to 6 pages without losing the feel of the story.


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    #7
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    Some things:

    Page 1:
    "The beacons sizzle on the blazing stove." -> "The bacon sizzles..."

    Sara never says whether she needs one or two. The obsessive-compulsive in me needs to know how many she received.

    "...they all has quit..." -> "...they have all quit..."

    "door bell" -> "doorbell"

    "TERRY and TIMOTHY has a strange silver cap on top of their head. " -> "TERRY and TIMOTHY have a strange silver caps on top of their heads."

    And that was just page one. There were numerous others that needed fixing. All in in all, the story was good but you needed to spend more time on getting your dialogue feel natural and also to cut out all the typos.


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    Senior Member STYLZ's Avatar
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    I've been pretty much ignoring the the comments in my thread about spelling and grammar mistakes people noticed in my script, but I can see how it could frustrate some people now. I'm guessing you aren't a native english speaker. Next time just ask someone to go over the script for you, like I should of done.

    The story built up pretty good, I was looking forward to what would happen next at the federal building. The concept of controlling peoples minds through satellites is pretty cool too. I'm not to sure about the ending though. Seemed to quick. Other than that good job.


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    Dark Side of the Camera Postmaster's Avatar
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    Thou the story get´s a bit loose and less defined in the last quarter, the ending knocked me of my socks.

    I wish I had the time and chance to make a short out of it. Would be a cool theme for the twilight fest, but allready got to make my own film.

    The Building is my absolute favourite and my only 10Star so far - grat job.

    Frank
    frankglencairn.wordpress.com
    http://twitter.com/FrankGlencairn



    Real men edit their films in a hex editor.


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    Senior Member Russell Moore's Avatar
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    Good concept. I like the idea of the government using a device to control people's minds.
    You made all the 'crazy' people in the world with foil hats on look sane ;)

    I would have like to have known more about Michael, Williams and Sara's relationship, but I can see how the page limit would keep you from that.

    You did a good job of building suspense throughout the script. I never saw the ending coming. Well done!
    the writer formerly known as "Conlan Forever"

    Need a short script?
    Have an idea? Want to collaborate? Contact me.

    screenwriter75@yahoo.com


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