"A dark secret lies just beyond the edge of the woods."
Thread: The Vanishing
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08-02-2008 08:31 PM
Last edited by preston; 08-18-2008 at 07:17 AM. Reason: [added tagline]
08-06-2008 01:29 PM
08-06-2008 03:58 PM
Sweet poster Preston. Love the colors. The poster alone makes me want to read it.the writer formerly known as "Conlan Forever"
Need a short script? Have an idea? Want to collaborate? Contact me.
08-07-2008 06:59 AM
hey thanks guys... i'm all for "DVX PosterFest"... haha
i'm looking forward to reading a bunch of cool scripts very soon!
08-12-2008 08:06 AM
I still dream about "the man in the woods.""Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition." ~T. Leary
08-13-2008 08:01 PM
awwww.....does naked Daddy go rabid?? That's so sad!!"Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition." ~T. Leary
08-13-2008 09:39 PM
Hey Preston, enjoyed the read.
Complete silence from the woods as the boy continues to call
his dog in vain.
You never mention BOY goes into the woods. I assume he did?
Well now this is odd – the only one with a proper name in the whole the script is the dog! How long has this been going on?
The garage door is open and a man, the boy’s DAD,
We don’t know the relationship of these two. Maybe just DAD will suffice.
The dad gets up
Since you have chosen Dad as this character’s name, then just say Dad without ‘the’. You wouldn’t say The Bruce or The Mary, so don’t say The dad.
Uh-uh. I don’t hear anything. Dad,
where is he?
Reading ahead, you’re kinda going way overkill on ‘Dad’ in dialogue. Lose a few.
What are we going to do, chief?
Same deal with chief. It just doesn’t feel natural.
(headset filter effect)
Just kinda floating there. Shouldn’t it be with dialogue?
We gotta get these news birds outta
here before they kill somebody.
Make a quick action line reference what they are talking about, like they see five choppers hovering nearby or something. I realize there is a ref earlier, but just remind your reader. Be kind – remind!!
This exchange ...
I can’t see anything, the trees are
too thick. Get me a little lower.
I can’t go much lower with all
these trees, it’s not safe.
A little closer. I think there’s
something down there, under the
Trees, trees, trees. I think you can lose the second and third.
The boy begins to cry and buries his head in his hands. The
crowd is silenced by a faint, low-pitched ......
The boy’s action needs to be separate from the rest. They are not directly related.
Chief? Chief, what just happened?
What was that?
Is this officer really stupid or something? All his lines are the same ‘what was that ..’
just awoken from a coma ...
I think ‘woken’ somehow feels better here. Saves a syllable.
Well, I was expecting a creature, and was surprised by the spaceship. I like the payoff at the end, but wouldn’t somebody notice the eyes, like the Mom? Wives notice everything, even from 30 yards out - or it too late? We’re doomed?
Solid story. Just lose all the dad and chief stuff to lighten up the read.
08-13-2008 11:32 PM
The Vanishing: this is a very cool and creepy concept that I think is hampered by the dialogue which leans to melodramatic end of the spectrum. the conversation between the boy and his dad, and the police all seem like 50’s tv dialog. There isn’t a trace of subtlety to it which makes the whole thing seem sort of funny when it should be terrifying. strive for more understatement. less is almost always more with screenwriting.
this would also be very expensive to produce. i think that if you were to take some of the more outlandish effects out and think up cheaper alternatives, you might be surprised to find your script revised for the better, not to mention actually becoming viable for someone to direct.