Thread: The Vanishing

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    The Vanishing
    #1
    Senior Member preston's Avatar
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    "A dark secret lies just beyond the edge of the woods."
    Last edited by preston; 08-18-2008 at 07:17 AM. Reason: [added tagline]


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    Senior Member alex whitmer's Avatar
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    Dramatic poster.

    A


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    #3
    Senior Member Russell Moore's Avatar
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    Sweet poster Preston. Love the colors. The poster alone makes me want to read it.
    the writer formerly known as "Conlan Forever"

    Need a short script?
    Have an idea? Want to collaborate? Contact me.

    screenwriter75@yahoo.com


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    #4
    More Cowbell Pictures Michael Anthony Horrigan's Avatar
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    I agree. Great looking poster!


    MONSTERFEST : 4th Place - Sustained Excellence Award - WESTFEST: 3rd Place - THRILLFEST: 3rd Place


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    #5
    Senior Member preston's Avatar
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    hey thanks guys... i'm all for "DVX PosterFest"... haha

    i'm looking forward to reading a bunch of cool scripts very soon!


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    #6
    Senior Member jamiejay's Avatar
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    i love the poster!


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    #7
    Senior Member nitramlehcar's Avatar
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    I still dream about "the man in the woods."
    "Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition." ~T. Leary


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    #8
    Senior Member nitramlehcar's Avatar
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    SPOILERS













    SPOILERS




















    SPOILERS






























    awwww.....does naked Daddy go rabid?? That's so sad!!
    "Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition." ~T. Leary


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    Script review
    #9
    Senior Member alex whitmer's Avatar
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    Hey Preston, enjoyed the read.




    SPOILERS






    TECHIE STUFF



    This ...

    Complete silence from the woods as the boy continues to call
    his dog in vain.

    You never mention BOY goes into the woods. I assume he did?

    Well now this is odd – the only one with a proper name in the whole the script is the dog! How long has this been going on?

    This ...

    The garage door is open and a man, the boy’s DAD,

    We don’t know the relationship of these two. Maybe just DAD will suffice.

    This ...

    The dad gets up

    Since you have chosen Dad as this character’s name, then just say Dad without ‘the’. You wouldn’t say The Bruce or The Mary, so don’t say The dad.

    Page 2

    This ...

    BOY
    Uh-uh. I don’t hear anything. Dad,
    where is he?

    Reading ahead, you’re kinda going way overkill on ‘Dad’ in dialogue. Lose a few.

    Page 3

    This ...

    OFFICER
    What are we going to do, chief?

    Same deal with chief. It just doesn’t feel natural.

    This ...

    (headset filter effect)

    Just kinda floating there. Shouldn’t it be with dialogue?

    This ...

    PILOT
    We gotta get these news birds outta
    here before they kill somebody.


    Make a quick action line reference what they are talking about, like they see five choppers hovering nearby or something. I realize there is a ref earlier, but just remind your reader. Be kind – remind!!

    Page 4

    This exchange ...

    COP
    I can’t see anything, the trees are
    too thick. Get me a little lower.

    PILOT
    I can’t go much lower with all
    these trees, it’s not safe.

    COP
    A little closer. I think there’s
    something down there, under the
    trees.

    Trees, trees, trees. I think you can lose the second and third.

    Page 5

    This ...

    The boy begins to cry and buries his head in his hands. The
    crowd is silenced by a faint, low-pitched ......

    The boy’s action needs to be separate from the rest. They are not directly related.

    Page 6

    This ...

    OFFICER
    Chief? Chief, what just happened?
    What was that?

    Is this officer really stupid or something? All his lines are the same ‘what was that ..’

    This ...

    just awoken from a coma ...

    I think ‘woken’ somehow feels better here. Saves a syllable.

    STORY

    Well, I was expecting a creature, and was surprised by the spaceship. I like the payoff at the end, but wouldn’t somebody notice the eyes, like the Mom? Wives notice everything, even from 30 yards out - or it too late? We’re doomed?

    Solid story. Just lose all the dad and chief stuff to lighten up the read.


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    #10
    Senior Member arroway's Avatar
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    The Vanishing: this is a very cool and creepy concept that I think is hampered by the dialogue which leans to melodramatic end of the spectrum. the conversation between the boy and his dad, and the police all seem like 50’s tv dialog. There isn’t a trace of subtlety to it which makes the whole thing seem sort of funny when it should be terrifying. strive for more understatement. less is almost always more with screenwriting.



    this would also be very expensive to produce. i think that if you were to take some of the more outlandish effects out and think up cheaper alternatives, you might be surprised to find your script revised for the better, not to mention actually becoming viable for someone to direct.


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