Thread: Jon's Fall

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    #21
    Senior Member preston's Avatar
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    caution - spoilers ahead! (sorry)

    russell,

    after reading your script, i had a few questions about the story, what exactly happened, and why. you've pretty much answered them in previous posts here, #20 in particular, so i won't ask again.

    great writing. pacing was good and matched the urgency of the plot. i really enjoyed imagining the pickup truck barreling through the park field while falling bodies rip the hot-air balloons to shreds. wouldn't that look amazing on screen...

    to me it seemed like you really enjoyed the writing process. maybe it's the pacing; it felt like you wrote it about as fast as i read it, like you couldn't stop until it was done. does that even make sense? sorry if it doesn't.

    thank you for sharing your script with us.
    Last edited by preston; 08-17-2008 at 03:42 PM.


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    #22
    Senior Member pauly_the_hitman's Avatar
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    ^SPOILER^

    I think this is my favorite script so far. I am reading and commenting on each one as I read them. But I must say this is the most original and exciting story yet. I am not usually surprised in films and I just wasn't sure I wanted to believe it might have been him. So great job.
    Pauly





    "I have learned silence from the talkative, toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet, strange, I am ungrateful to those teachers."


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    #23
    Senior Member STYLZ's Avatar
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    Very nice. My favorite so far. Great Sci-Fi aspect. Great story. Well written. Great job.


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    #24
    Senior Member Russell Moore's Avatar
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    Preston - It makes perfect sense and I'm glad it felt that way. Hopefully that means that you really felt the urgency of it.
    I'm glad the hot air balloon scene came across visually. I wanted to try and think of a unique situation. Thanks for reading and commenting.

    Pauly - Thank you for the kind words, I appreciate it. I'm glad to hear you didn't want to believe he did it, makes me feel like I was successful in setting it up.

    Stylz - I'm happy to hear it connected with you. Thanks for the read and the compliments. Much appreciated.
    the writer formerly known as "Conlan Forever"

    Need a short script?
    Have an idea? Want to collaborate? Contact me.

    screenwriter75@yahoo.com


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    #25
    Senior Member preston's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by pauly_the_hitman View Post
    ^SPOILER^
    fixed, sorry!


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    #26
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    (spoilers)
    I enjoyed this script and was actually horrified when people started dropping out of the sky... well done in the story dept!!!


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    #27
    Senior Member Nektonic's Avatar
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    SPOILERS

    Great job. I really enjoyed this story. I liked the way you used the concept of instantaneous transportation as a catalyst for the story. Usually when one thinks of that type of technology the first thing that springs to mind is the Transporter from Star Trek. I like that you thought up a new and terrifying way to exploit this technology for a story.

    There was a lot of good stuff in this script. Characters were well developed in a short time. I liked the race to get to the transport station. Good action and suspense. I didn't see the end coming. Good little twist at the end, although I don't know if that would work as well if this were a feature or longer short script, but for a 6 page short the darker irony you ended on is satisfying.

    I don't really have anything bad to say about Jon's Fall. A few nitpicks would be that I wish there was a little more info on the transport tech -- is it quantum teleportation? Is it using some sort of manmade wormholes? The story works without more of this info but I personally find it interesting and it adds some more credibility to the imaginary technology for those not as well versed in science and science fiction.

    Some of the action scene description (mainly the race to PTS), while well done, could maybe be fleshed out a bit. I'm guessing the 6 page limit caused some compression here when normally there would be a bit more detail. Don't get me wrong, it works, but I think it would be even more riveting if you gave the action sequence some breathing room.

    Again, good job man. I would love to see this produced due to some great visuals and some exciting action wrapped up in a good story. I enjoyed God's Warehouse from the first scriptfest. I think you topped it though with this one. If my name was Ebert I'd give this one a thumbs up.


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    #28
    Senior Member jamiejay's Avatar
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    This was one of my favorites so far as well. I think you handled it nicely. I even like how you tried to mislead any reader who might have been on to the fact that Jon was responsible with his supposed horror that he might have caused the deadly episode by going to get some coffee.

    I was thinking that someone would have shut down the system way before they did, but your explanation suffices.

    Excellent work here!


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    #29
    Senior Member Russell Moore's Avatar
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    Samantha - thanks for the kind words. I would say horrified is probably the appropriate response. Thanks for reading.

    Nektonic - Thanks for the thorough review. The compliments are much appreciated. You are correct I hacked a lot of descriptions and detail out. The script originally came in at about 10 1/2 pages.
    I also combined the action blocks in some spots to save room as well.
    Glad to hear it still worked for you for the most part. I'll take all the thumbs I can get!

    jamiejay - Thank you, glad to hear you liked it, thanks for taking the time to comment.
    Last edited by Russell Moore; 08-19-2008 at 01:11 PM.
    the writer formerly known as "Conlan Forever"

    Need a short script?
    Have an idea? Want to collaborate? Contact me.

    screenwriter75@yahoo.com


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    #30
    Senior Member Russell Moore's Avatar
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    Nektonic said "I enjoyed God's Warehouse from the first scriptfest. I think you topped it though with this one."

    (I messed up the quote thing.)

    Thats the great thing about these fests. I learned so much from the feedback I got in the first scriptfest and I applied it to this script. I'm glad to hear that it shows. I owe it to all the great critiques I received.
    I'm learning more from the critiques in this fest. There are so many good writers here.
    Last edited by Russell Moore; 08-19-2008 at 11:44 PM.
    the writer formerly known as "Conlan Forever"

    Need a short script?
    Have an idea? Want to collaborate? Contact me.

    screenwriter75@yahoo.com


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