Thread: Jon's Fall

Page 2 of 5 FirstFirst 12345 LastLast
Results 11 to 20 of 48
  1. Collapse Details
    #11
    Senior Member MrKilloran's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    Rhode Island
    Posts
    559
    Default
    Great job, I loved every second of this script ... cool visuals, a nice style of writing, it definitely had me wanting a few more pages to keep the story going.


    Reply With Quote
     

  2. Collapse Details
    #12
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Location
    The Bahamas
    Posts
    154
    Default
    An EXCELLENCE well develop script!
    Along with the clear mistake of the character- noticeable !


    Reply With Quote
     

  3. Collapse Details
    #13
    Senior Member Russell Moore's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    Location
    West Michigan
    Posts
    727
    Default
    MrKilloran, Judgement - thank you for the kind words, it's much appreciated.
    the writer formerly known as "Conlan Forever"

    Need a short script?
    Have an idea? Want to collaborate? Contact me.

    screenwriter75@yahoo.com


    Reply With Quote
     

  4. Collapse Details
    #14
    Senior Member MiataFilmSomething's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    Pickerington, OH
    Posts
    215
    Default
    Very good script. A neat idea.

    Pros: I loved the suspense and the concept. You made excellent use of the time allowed, and it had a great beginning and ending. I also liked the concept of the frogs in Magnolia, only with people

    Cons: For some reason, I just couldn't believe that people would not have seen what was going on sooner. It shouldn't have taken that long for people to figure out that with the blue flashes in the sky, it's the same as the PTS, and #1- to avoid it, and #2, the guards could have gone up and blocked the tubes and not allowed people to go through them.

    Overall though, great story, suspense, and emotion.
    "...and knowing is half the battle. The other half is violence..."


    Reply With Quote
     

  5. Collapse Details
    #15
    Senior Member Russell Moore's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    Location
    West Michigan
    Posts
    727
    Default
    Thanks for reading MFS.

    My intention was that the Wayport would actually be locked down and communications and control would be cut off.
    So no one could enter or leave and the thousands of people that were already in the Wayport would be unaware of what was going on outside.
    So once the wayport was actually locked down, no new passengers could get in even if they wanted to and you're right they wouldn't want to anyway.

    I appreciate the comments.
    the writer formerly known as "Conlan Forever"

    Need a short script?
    Have an idea? Want to collaborate? Contact me.

    screenwriter75@yahoo.com


    Reply With Quote
     

  6. Collapse Details
    #16
    Senior Member seansshack's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    Ireland
    Posts
    538
    Default
    Good story that shows you have a strong imagination and great use of visuals. with the first person falling I had to read it again, as it kind of took me by surprise (which means it should make for a great moment/scene if filmed).

    I needed more as I feel this would make a great 10-15 minute short as it is I felt we need more background/story. But for six pages, you crammed in a lot.

    Well done and best of luck with it.


    Reply With Quote
     

  7. Collapse Details
    #17
    Senior Member nitramlehcar's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    Beachland
    Posts
    157
    Default
    IT'S RAINING MEN...HALLELUJAH! (oooh..that should be playing on the truck radio)

    I really enjoyed this story. It actually upset me a bit reading it, which is good, I think. I especially liked the last moment in the portal smiling at Jon. Eerie. Perfect title too!
    "Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition." ~T. Leary


    Reply With Quote
     

  8. Collapse Details
    #18
    Senior Member Russell Moore's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    Location
    West Michigan
    Posts
    727
    Default
    Sean - If you were surprised than I accomplished my purpose, glad to hear it. Thank you for the kind words.

    Rachael - Raining men lol. I'm glad you liked it and I'm happy to hear the script evoked a response from you, even if it was being upset ;)
    Thanks for taking the time to comment, I appreciate it.
    the writer formerly known as "Conlan Forever"

    Need a short script?
    Have an idea? Want to collaborate? Contact me.

    screenwriter75@yahoo.com


    Reply With Quote
     

  9. Collapse Details
    #19
    Senior Member alex whitmer's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    Wherever I hang my head in despair
    Posts
    1,912
    Default
    Love this ...

    Painfully peaceful ELEVATOR MUSIC

    You get an extra star for that one.

    A small issue with this ...

    A BODY plummets from the sky and CRASHES into the bed of the

    truck

    Wouldn't that render the truck close to useless

    This ...

    My God, you sayin' if I don't get

    coffee.

    Are these typos


    Story


    I think you handled the urgency really well.

    A most excellent story. Sad how the karma had to work out, but that's life.

    Great touch with the card, added a personal depth, and left you MC with something that will haunt him.

    Didn't he know about the camera

    Really, really enoyed this piece. Nice original concept.

    alex


    Last edited by alex whitmer; 08-15-2008 at 07:26 PM.


    Reply With Quote
     

  10. Collapse Details
    #20
    Senior Member Russell Moore's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    Location
    West Michigan
    Posts
    727
    Default
    Alex

    I appreciate the kind words.

    I admit I had a small issue with the truck/falling body incident. This is how I justified it to myself. If the truck's bed is up in the air when the body hits it, this would help slow the momentum and lessen the impact when the truck hits the ground. In the future trucks will have greatly improved construction and suspension.
    Most important of all(but the least justifiable), I thought it was cool and wanted to keep it in the script

    The next issue, no those are not typos. But my attempt at realistic dialogue. I'm still working on it.

    Jon did know about the camera and the "octopus" code was supposed to corrupt the security video. Which it did to a certain degree, but the tech was able to recover a lot of it, even though the picture was still in bad shape.

    I'm glad you liked the card. I put it in on my last draft. I thought the story needed a little more emotional punch.

    Thanks for taking the time for a thorough critique, I appreciate it.

    I had a very lengthy review from you on my Scriptfest 1 script. I had a lot of ING and tense problems. I also had a few issues with writing action "the way you want to see it unfold on screen" and some other tech issues. I copied it and pasted it into a word document and referenced it while I was writing this script. So thanks for that as well.
    the writer formerly known as "Conlan Forever"

    Need a short script?
    Have an idea? Want to collaborate? Contact me.

    screenwriter75@yahoo.com


    Reply With Quote
     

Page 2 of 5 FirstFirst 12345 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •