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    #21
    Mod v2.0 Noel Evans's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by preston View Post
    you're gonna make me think!

    i'll get back to you... it's late now though, so it'll be tomorrow.
    Heh I hope so. Thanks for the comments.
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    #22
    Mod v2.0 Noel Evans's Avatar
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    Im a bit pumped. I have the pleasure of knowing someone locally who is a bit of a screenwriter lets say - just had a script bought by a large production company so its bound for Hollywood.

    But I asked her to read it last week via email and just got this back

    "That is good, .............. you have a real talent for writing something that is so visual."
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    #23
    Mod v2.0 Noel Evans's Avatar
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    Ill add.... she never said anything negative so maybe held that back. hmmmm.
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    #24
    Knight of the Holy Order krestofre's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Noel Evans View Post
    "That is good, .............. you have a real talent for writing something that is so visual."
    That's true! Your script for Scriptfest 1 had the same qualities. I've only read two of your pieces, but if I read them through for story purposes I miss things. I have to make the film in my head as I'm reading to get everything out of your stuff.

    I appreciate your PM and replied with a few thoughts. Additionally I'd like to add that the tone of this piece reminds me a lot of Vanilla Sky. You seem to be dealing with some of the same basic pieces.

    Anyway, good job with this entry!
    Chris Johnson


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    #25
    Senior Member Russell Moore's Avatar
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    *SPOILER ALERT*

    I read this script twice and I liked it. It gave me a lot to think about.
    I thought you did a really good job with the characters and showing their relationship. I cared about them both.

    One little thing and it's small. When there is the confrontation between Paul and the "bum", there is an inconsistency in relation to the distance between the two.

    Paul gets knocked out right next to his car, then the bum is over him, Paul then cringes up against the car. This is no problem. But after that, the "bum" gets closer, closer and closer and then moves a few meters and manages to get behind Paul. It doesn't seem like there was enough space between the two to begin with for all this forward movement.

    Maybe if Paul had actually managed to get up and back away from him or something like that or the "bum" wasn't that close to begin with.

    But this is minor and overall it didn't really affect the story for me. I liked that you told a story that's foundation was a relationship between two people and that it carried a lot of emotional impact. I was moved by it and wanted to find out how it was going to turn out for the couple.
    the writer formerly known as "Conlan Forever"

    Need a short script?
    Have an idea? Want to collaborate? Contact me.

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    #26
    Senior Member mjjason's Avatar
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    This was a good read overall. The emotions and history between Paul and Sarah definitely came through the writing. The pacing and the flow of the script were well crafted which made for an easy read.

    I did have some questions and issues:

    1) Prior to Paul "seeing", his real life for him and Sarah was great. At least that is how I read the first scene. It looked like Paul was only suffering nightmares but in his waking life he and Sarah were happy. So why was the bum driven to make Paul see? By seeing it would bring his world crashing down. Sure he can at least than work to rebuild it but if someone is naive to the facts of there life than they wouldn't be bothered by it.

    2) Who is the bum actually? I assume he is a supernatural being like an angel or something but he just came out of nowhere. Also, the howling before he was introduced made me think of him as someone sinister or monster-like as opposed to some angel or something.

    This for me seemed to hurt the script as it felt like it went against what you were trying to do. Like I said earlier the script itself is well written it's just that I don't fully get the concept and overall story.


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    #27
    Senior Member MiataFilmSomething's Avatar
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    I liked the message in this script. Seems like there are a few loose ends to tie up, such as the true identity of the bum, and how he's flashing back and forth between visions.

    You did a great job of conveying the relationship between Paul and his wife.

    Someone else posted some Vanilla Sky similarities; I saw the same.

    The film is a little hard to understand just by reading it. I'm sure if it was made, it would be a lot easier to follow. There's some great opportunities in this for some cool effects and camera angles.
    "...and knowing is half the battle. The other half is violence..."


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    #28
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    Noel - you're an excellence writer- the way you use your words is incredible!
    However the Sci- fi element was not fully engage!
    The story would of been stronger if we had an idea who this bum was!
    Or where he got his abilities.
    BUT still a great script!

    At one point I figure he was just drunk all those years!
    and the thug might of hit some sense in him!
    Last edited by Judgement; 08-14-2008 at 01:24 PM.


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    #29
    Mod v2.0 Noel Evans's Avatar
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    Guys thanks so much for reading it. I really loved everyone comes away with the questions that were deliberately left. I tried to keep questions that wouldnt effect the body of the story but would leave people with something they could take away from the story and keep it with them.

    Conlan I see your point and a word change could fix that. Appreciate you pointing it out.

    I wont allude to who the bum is, I think its better that people can define him for themselves, but his deed was to help.

    mjjason Onyour first point - you clearly understood and its an age old dilemma I guess, if someone cant see the truth and are happy, then why interfere? Lately I have been reading a few Chinese books about life under Maos communism in the early days and on. One of the issues that touched me was the common people in many cases had a certain perspective on how life was, and the impact on them when they realised it wasnt what it seems was devastating, mostly at the hands of the party. So I formed the view from that and in my own experience: know the truth first and then you can work within the reality of your situation. And again, one of the big things from those books, was hiding the reality from the people. This was the inspiration for the story, but put into a western subtext people could more easily relate to.

    And then of course you can see Sarah is also being effected by Paul not being able to see what he did to her, which I tried to portray by giving her the crutch - smoking, the dialogue requesting cigarettes and her bs line about quiting tomorrow, then when the s*%t hits, I showed her nerves along with her smoking. She was living a fine line so to speak.

    Judgement - I never set out to write a sci fi piece as I chose to use the more twilight zone elements as Isaac set out in the rules.

    Thanks again all.
    Last edited by Noel Evans; 08-14-2008 at 02:53 PM.
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    #30
    Mod v2.0 Noel Evans's Avatar
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    Further to judgements comment - I have also seen from others in a few peoples threads - wasnt really sci fi so I wanted to point out the OFFICIAL RULES on genre.

    Genre: Science fiction (This is broad, you can encompass fantasy or more twilight zone elements.)
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