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    #41
    Mod v2.0 Noel Evans's Avatar
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    Hi Sean

    Thanks for reading and glad you liked it

    Quote Originally Posted by seansshack View Post

    Descriptions: Unless we could see it as a viewer (not reader) don't write descriptions. Example "Paul’s once high school sweetheart and now wife. She sleeps soundly." As viewer how would we know she was the high school sweetheart?
    What Ive been taught says there is one exception to this in character descriptions.

    Quote Originally Posted by seansshack View Post


    Only question is: Who was the Bum? He just appeared and was the key to explaining the story. But we have no idea who/what/why from his end???
    Scene numbers, I put in as a reference for myself as I was making notes.

    I think if I had probably at least one more page, I would have put some more there regarding the bum. Many people are bringing up this point. I thought I could get away with it. Im going to shoot this so I will be sure to add something. Theres a perfect opportunity in the early stages without breaking the story between the couple.

    Thanks again.
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    #42
    Senior Member seansshack's Avatar
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    Maybe it's him from the future, after life choices have ruined him?


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    Script review
    #43
    Senior Member alex whitmer's Avatar
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    Techie stuff


    This …

    with vigorous breathe ...

    Typo

    This …

    Paul’s once high school sweetheart and now wife

    No way to know this just by looking at them.

    This ...

    kitchen bench

    Is that like a nook?

    This ...

    Its gonna be a late one

    Typo.

    This ...

    SARAH
    Drive safely.

    He kisses her cheek and walks out.

    She dialogue followed by a HE. Reads like a typo.

    Page 2

    This ...

    (OT)

    Don’t know this one. Do you mean ON TELEPHONE?

    Page 3

    This ...

    The mugger turns on his heal …

    Typo. Should be heel, unless this is the British spelling.

    This …

    He uses his pointer finger

    Do you mean index finger?

    Page 6

    scar less

    Shouldn’t that be one word?

    STORY

    Very confusing. Not sure if we had dreams or flashbacks, or both. Does Paul have a drinking problem, and this is a warning? Did the accident really happen, but Sarah still thinks he’s incredible?

    Has Paul been in denial, and finally ‘lifted the veil’ and remembered what really took place?

    I went back and studied the title and the banner to clarify what I thought it was about. Still unclear if it happened, or will happen if je doesn’t change his ways.

    I don’t think you need to put RED HONDA, unless it’s a shooting script and the color is for set design purposes.

    Honda and Audi? Are you trying to show he went from sports car driver and reckless, to Mr. Sedan? I sorta picked up you were trying to show a change in character type through the car.

    I don’t know, I had trouble piecing this one together.

    Writing is good. No fluff or action ‘novels’ to set up you scenes.

    The old man pulled off a Monty Python with his ‘ever getting closer’ even though he started out standing over Paul.

    I guess the thief saw a picture of a disfigured Sarah? That was never explained. Maybe the old man could have picked up the wallet and also did the glance, hand it back, and really get your audience into what is going on, and then reveal the scars in the photo Paul picks up at home – then bring Sarah into the film again. Maybe for effect, have a little wispy fabric over the photo at home, like Sarah keeps it covered, and then Paul lifts that to reveal the photo.

    It’s a great banner that should be reinforced in the story.

    aw


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    #44
    Mod v2.0 Noel Evans's Avatar
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    GAK... too many typos. Need to get a bit tighter there.

    Some people were able to get it, some didnt. Of course I know clearly what the intention was. Simply for me I think I needed a few more pages which I will add once we are all said and done here.

    Thanks for reading Alex.
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    #45
    Senior Member MrKilloran's Avatar
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    Good writing, a bit confusing with the interwoven events, maybe a bit more clarity on them, I'm not really saying anything new but I thought it was a well thought out idea and a few touch ups you'd be all set. Great job. enjoyed it.


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    #46
    Senior Member jasonthewho's Avatar
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    Alex covered most of the things I was going to bring up (but doesn't he always? )

    The only other thing I noticed was this:

    He drags himself across it to a bookshelf and dumps his keys next to a photo of himself and Sarah which he picks it up.

    Awkward sentence, and "which he picks it up" is definitely wrong.

    Good work! Kept one step ahead of the audience, which is always a good thing.


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    #47
    Mod v2.0 Noel Evans's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jasonthewho View Post
    Good work! Kept one step ahead of the audience, which is always a good thing.
    Cheers Jason. Gave it a shot.
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    #48
    Mod v2.0 Noel Evans's Avatar
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    OK so now its over - Id like to explain where I was coming from.

    OK so we start out on Paul having a nightmare about a car accident. We only see him.

    We then jump to the morning scene. Here I wanted to demonstrate the relationship between Paul and Sarah as very close, almost perfect. When she says he is incredible, I give no reason for this - the purpose of this dialogue was to bring attention to him doing something that made her feel this way (Ill come back to that).

    Paul goes off to work. At the end of another late day he calls Sarah. In this dialogue, I wanted to show that Sarah had an addiction, a fairly common one, but it was serving as a crutch to something. And when she says she will give up tomorrow, which is pretty much rubbish, I wanted to show that there is something she is struggling with.

    Then we are at the convenience store where Paul is mugged. The mugger sees the photo of Sarah in the wallet. I didnt want to allude to exactly what it was, as I thought this would be evident at the end.

    Then we see the thing in the bushes scare the mugger off.

    Next Paul awakens to the man he thinks mugged him, we know it isnt of course. Which is why Paul is afraid in his drowsy state. A few mentioned here, about the distance to the car when Paul scrambles back and the bum moves toward him. I cut a little corner here to conserve writing, I guess I should have tried to hang on to that component more and placed Paul in the right place to begin with - damn you all for picking it up :P.

    Now the bum. Most people commented, who is he? etc. Well I wanted to leave that to the imagination, but clearly here my view is outnumbered considerably. Knowing that, I will add a background scene for him to do this, again I omitted for space, thinking people will come to their own conclusion and this was fine. So then the bum commits an act -

    And we find Paul in his car out the front of a house, when he goes inside we see its his house. I was fairly happy with this little win actually. In a six page script theres no real space for establishing shots - so I skipped it of their house originally but then was able to sneak one in that served a purpose.

    So Paul, after his harrowing ordeal sees the photo and picks it up. His safety blanket Sarah of course. And then Sarah appears as not the woman we expected to see. Now to my mind - the fact that a man of a strange nature just did some dazzling movements in his approach to Paul, those movements (plus the howls) telling us he is not like the rest of us, and he said something pretty profound with action - Open your eyes. I thought people would immediately stitch together that Paul wasnt seeing the reality of something and then we see his wifes appearance - so theres the thing he wasnt seeing, caused by his own act which he couldnt face - the drink driving incident, which we then see through Pauls clarified vision. And then we can go back to Sarahs statement of calling him incredible - she thought he really was, as, unlike others he could see past the scars, and then again back to the smoking, she was wondering when he would. Still thinking how to make that clearer without just stating it.

    The second to last scene, Sarah is shaking and smoking - so theres her crutch in action and the association of why she does it.

    The final scene is meant to be the bum again, wondering the earth trying to make people see reality, a man of purpose that knows where to be to deliver his message - he says Pauls name.

    Anyway, Ill add a couple of scenes and tidy up some others, so at the end of it all its a solid piece.

    Thanks all for reading.
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