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    #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by ConspiracyPenguin View Post
    Was I supposed to read another draft?
    No, we're good. Many thanks for the initial look-see.

    Have not had much time to work on it. Usually at breakfast, I jot down some notes if they occur to me, then before bed, I will see if things still flow.

    I'm curious to know how you guys came up with your stories. Mine came from a partially overheard conversation at another table where I eat breakfast. Fascinating conversation, and then some very bizarre factual discoveries on my part when I was doing research.


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    #12
    Nosey Penguin
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    Jul 2007
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    I came up with mine because I knew I wanted to do a story involving a piano (will reveal more later) and it had to be sci-fi and there had to be a mistake. I wanted the mistake to be big so I just put the pieces together and think I will eventually turn it into a feature.


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    #13
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    Ok, mine's uploaded.

    Tear it up, and I thank you all ahead of time for the harsh but constructive criticism.



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    #14
    Senior Member MiataFilmSomething's Avatar
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    Mar 2006
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    Nothing too harsh to report! It was a suspenseful story, and had good pacing in it.

    I didn't totally understand the very end though, was she talking to herself, or to her class? Or having another flashback moment? I wasn't too clear on it.

    I like the transitioning you did between the office murder and the classroom. Going back and forth like that worked very well. I got that string quartet music from "Requiem For A Dream" in my head while I was reading it.

    Good mystery and a fun read!
    "...and knowing is half the battle. The other half is violence..."


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    #15
    Senior Member Russell Moore's Avatar
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    Well done. I really liked this script. It was well written and I thought you did a good job of building the suspense and creating an ominous tension.

    I agree near the end when it switched from one scene to the other worked really well.
    I thought the end was brilliant, assuming I understood it correctly.

    I took it that Sophie would be haunting the man?, thing?, killer? that took over her body through nightmares. So it was a role reversal.

    Really entertaining story.
    the writer formerly known as "Conlan Forever"

    Need a short script?
    Have an idea? Want to collaborate? Contact me.

    screenwriter75@yahoo.com


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    #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by conlanforever View Post

    I agree near the end when it switched from one scene to the other worked really well.
    I thought the end was brilliant, assuming I understood it correctly.

    I took it that Sophie would be haunting the man?, thing?, killer? that took over her body through nightmares. So it was a role reversal.

    Really entertaining story.
    Thanks and yes, that is it exactly. I really struggled with how to technically write all that switching back and forth. Still dont think I got it quite right, but it was what I could come up with.

    I am wide open to thoughts on how to better write that ending so that it doesnt seem so choppy. The scene changes throw me off everytime I read it back through for myself.

    Should I use some other method to write such quick jumps to flashbacks?

    Should I utilize a different naming technique for "Sophie" after the killer comes through and takes over to make it less confusing?


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    #17
    Senior Member seansshack's Avatar
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    Should I utilize a different naming technique for "Sophie" after the killer comes through and takes over to make it less confusing?
    As far as I remember you can/should never change the name after the initial intro.

    Good story. Nice build up and solid ending. One or two formatting issues throughout, but won't harp on about them.

    Could see this as a solid short. Would like to see it filmed.

    I would introduce the letter opener earlier. Maybe show the doc opening letters (more interested in that than her) or bragging about it being a gift. Plant the MacGuffin earlier.

    Good work and good luck with it.


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    #18
    Senior Member pauly_the_hitman's Avatar
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    I thought this was a really good story. Nice job. I got it and hope everyone can see exactly what you were going for here. Once again nice job.
    Pauly





    "I have learned silence from the talkative, toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet, strange, I am ungrateful to those teachers."


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    #19
    More Cowbell Pictures Michael Anthony Horrigan's Avatar
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    Great work! This story was really engaging and I found myself lost in it from the beginning, in a good way!

    Nice job.

    Mike


    MONSTERFEST : 4th Place - Sustained Excellence Award - WESTFEST: 3rd Place - THRILLFEST: 3rd Place


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    #20
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    Thanks everyone for taking a look and leaving comments.

    I have to say that after reading so many of the other scripts, I see better ways I can format things in my own. This was a hard script, technically, for me to write. No only did I have Sophie going into a meditative state while still interacting with the doctor, but later I had the flashbacks.

    I can't tell you how confused I got just trying to write it all out.


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