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    #11
    Senior Member seansshack's Avatar
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    Thanks for reading and commenting. The idea was he didn't intend to be trapped. He was trapped by the photograph being taken...

    The whole story is a metaphor for living in the past (you lose your future).

    I was planning to write it with no dialogue and just tell the story in visuals, but decided at the last minute to do a standard narrative piece.



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    Script review
    #12
    Senior Member alex whitmer's Avatar
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    SPOILERS


    TECHIE STUFF


    This …

    FRANK
    See you in a few days.

    She kisses Frank on the cheek.

    You follow Frank’s dialogue with a SHE pronoun. This kind of thing reads like a typo.

    This ...

    He is dressed in a ruffled
    black suit.

    Do you mean ‘rumpled’

    This ...

    The sun room floor is a mess of family albums
    and various sized photographs. Some of the images are
    framed, others just lay scattered on the wooden floor.

    You have sun room floor, then later tell us it’s wooden. If it really matters, tell us this when you intro the room. Also, no need to say floor twice. We also know he’s in the sun room, so can that as well. Try ...

    The wood floor is a mess of family albums
    and various sized photographs. Some of the images are
    framed, others just lay scattered.

    So, the framed photos are in a neat stack and the unframed ones are scattered? That’s sorts how this reads.

    To really clean this up ...

    Photo albums, framed and loose photos of all sizes, lay scattered across the wood floor.

    28 words down to 15 to paint the same picture.

    Glean your script for more opportunities to streamline.

    This ...

    His eyes fix of the door

    What? Do you mean ‘on’ the door?

    This ...

    His tears drip down on the photograph
    and suddenly.

    Might be better to use a text wrap here so we know suddenly is not the end of the thought. This doesn’t follow with much indication we are going backward in time, like FLASHBACK, or some other indication we have some time travel, and we are left to figure it out by process of deduction.

    Page 2

    This ...

    Frank turns and hugs his brother as he walks away.

    PETER (CONT'D)
    Take it easy man. Take it easy.

    Frank lets his smiling brother go, as he walks towards the
    bedroom door.

    ‘As’ is a funny word. You really only want to use it when two action are happening simultaneously. In the samples above, the actions are somewhat illogical.

    In the first one, they are hugging as they walk. I think you mean Frank hugs his brother just as he turns to walk away.

    The second one is about the same. I think you mean he lets go, THEN the brother heads for the door, not AS.

    Page 3

    This ...

    Frank walk in

    Typo.

    This ...

    Besotted

    I’m a huge fan of the B words. It saddens me they are a dying part of English. Many young writers have never even heard of them. English has been besmirched by textese. Lol. Glad I stumbled across one.

    I think all this back and forth in the photo should be slugged with something like VISION SEQUENCE, or along those lines.

    This ...

    Grabbing himself
    and pinching his cheek.

    Avoid the ING verbs. Stick with simple present as much as possible to keep your story a clean read.

    This ...

    A overweight fortune teller.

    Typo.

    Page 4

    This ...

    Moss takes his palm as he smiles at Frank’s ...

    This is pronoun confusion. I think you mean Moss takes Frank’s palm.

    Page 5

    This ...

    I’ve. I’ve never seen it before.
    You’re lifeline is regressed.

    ‘I’ve’ should maybe have text wrap. A period really chops this up.

    This ...

    He picks up a picture of him standing next to a YOUNG GIRL

    By young girl I took this to be a child, but it seems it is Frank’s prom date, so maybe say teen girl.

    This ...

    Cathy walks into behind Sally.

    Typo.

    Page 6

    This ...

    Sally raises the photo

    Do you mean picks up


    STORY


    Well, I’m a little confused. I guess Frank simply vanished like he never existed. A lot to like here, but needs a little fine tuning to kick it over the top.

    The fortune teller scene needs work. I’d like to see more desperation on Frank’s part, and more fear on the FTs part. He or she has never seen this and is spooked. Play that up.

    Not sure why mom and daughter had to go after the funeral. It comes across as a convenience. Maybe give a reason.

    Also, I’d like to see it made clear if Frank made a conscious decision to vanish into his past, or it was some other supernatural deal.

    Nice job. Work on your sentence structure a little so you can streamline, and opens up some space to detail this out.


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    #13
    Senior Member seansshack's Avatar
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    Thanks Alex. Wish I had as much time to write as you have to review - as can be seen by my typo's.

    (kids causing a mini riot in the background as I type)


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    #14
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    Sean- after reading this awesome script- I think you did a wonderful job!
    Keep up the excellence work!


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    #15
    Senior Member seansshack's Avatar
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    Sean- after reading this awesome script- I think you did a wonderful job!
    Keep up the excellence work!
    Thanks. Means a lot when someone enjoys your work.

    A bit of insight on the background for this. I was looking at some old pictures and found one of myself (16ish) standing in my old room. Posters of David Bowie and moon landings on the wall and I look at an open door behind me (in the picture). Just thought "through that door and down that hall was my Dad, younger and before he got sick with Parkinson's disease - 15 year battle". I just felt it I could go back. Into that picture just for a moment and see him, talk to him. So it stuck in my head and interested me to write something around it. With the theme of living in the past will prevent you from living (effect your future). We can't go back. But if we could, how many of us would.

    Was interested reading an interview with Gary Oldman (when I started writing for the fest) and he mentioned looking at old photo's of himself as a boy and just wanting to be in that picture again...

    Stop ranting now. Thanks again.


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    #16
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    It's features like this one the Sci-fi channel should produce.


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    #17
    Senior Member seansshack's Avatar
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    Thanks. That's a great compliment indeed.

    I was told this before about a full length feature I wrote (about aliens on the moon/moonbase/terror attacks etc), but didn't manage to find anywhere to submit it.

    Thanks again and best of luck in the fest with your piece.


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    #18
    Senior Member Russell Moore's Avatar
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    You did a good job of getting me emotionally invested in the characters, mainly Frank. I really felt for the guy. When he went back to see his Father that's a really good moment in the script, well written.

    The end for me lacked the emotional punch that the rest of the script had and I was ready to be knocked out. I think my only problem was I didn't know who Marie was and I had no emotional connection to her. Maybe if there was a different picture he could go back into with family or if Marie were foreshadowed as to having had some impact on his life.

    I liked the ending with him trapped in his past.

    Overall, I enjoyed the script, . Great concept and well written.
    the writer formerly known as "Conlan Forever"

    Need a short script?
    Have an idea? Want to collaborate? Contact me.

    screenwriter75@yahoo.com


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    #19
    Senior Member seansshack's Avatar
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    Cheers. I was trying to show (in short a space) that he was taking enjoying too much of his past - not just his father/brother by old flames and thus almost deserved what he got. As he had forgotten his wife and child.

    The trigger was the loss of his father that tapped into his ability through extreme grief, but when warned he was dipping into trouble, he ignored it.

    Thanks again. I think a 10 page short with him slowly learning he is losing what he has would be far superior.


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    #20
    Senior Member pauly_the_hitman's Avatar
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    I really enjoyed the script I just wish there where more to it. Maybe a couple more pages. 6 pages is really hard to write and effective script. Good Job.
    Pauly





    "I have learned silence from the talkative, toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet, strange, I am ungrateful to those teachers."


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