Thread: Pupae

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    Senior Member arroway's Avatar
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    "A cheoptic hologram"
    a what? why would you assume the majority of readers would have any idea how to visualize that?

    "like a little glycosidic scratch"
    oh. like...one of those. right. no really, i'm with you, please go on...

    "HYPATIA
    Why do the watchers forbid music?"
    ...because it's a long standing dystopian cliche and don't ask questions you little brat!

    "The mosquito lands on Williamís port and inserts its proboscis into a receptor. The blood is transferred."
    there's a lot of passive voice like this. why not say "...into a receptor transferring the blood". "is" is telling not showing. sometimes you have to use it but more often than not it's "crutch writing" which serves only to take you right out of the visual and reacquaint you with the fact that you are being told a story not seeing one in your mind's eye.

    i think you should describe the "chembots" more so than just saying they are featureless which is about as boring a detail as i can think of. are they bipeds? animal-like? what? give me something to go on.

    mosquitoes as spies/sample collectors doesn't seem like a very logical system seeing as how easy it is to swat them. why not nano-ticks? nano-fleas? something that could actually remain undetected for more than an hour...

    "SCRIBE (VIA SCANNER)
    Why do we write this when we know the truth?

    SCRIBE #2 (VIA SCANNER)
    It is not our place to question what we are told to write."
    yeah. 1984 was a good book, wasn't it?

    "WILLIAM
    Bad. Why didnít I know about these?"
    why indeed.

    "Seconds later the door bursts open. William is zapped to smithereens."
    didn't william effortlessly twist the head off one of these guys earlier? why are they such "creeping, oozing, morphing" badasses now? and if hypatia can simply out run their apparent lasers why didn't william go with her? he certainly didn't buy her any time as he's killed instantly. so why didn't the now-badass chembots simply follow the little girls footsteps out the back door and "zap her to smithereens" as well? doesn't make sense.

    i like the idea of music being collected in paper and lemons used for energy even if the science behind it isn't that feasible...it's a striking visual. as for the rest it lacks logic and originality imo. i would focus on the anti-evolution/de-volution angle (which is actually fascinating and original) in future re-writes rather than the dystopian hierarchy suffocating art and keeping the masses ignorant (which is by now a well-worn cliche).

    good luck with it.


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    Senior Member alex whitmer's Avatar
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    Sorry, Ian, but I never did figure out how to do multiple quote boxes, so bear with me here ...

    This ...

    a what? why would you assume the majority of readers would have any idea how to visualize that?


    I got rapped once or twice for that. 3D would have been the better choice.

    This ...

    why not say "...into a receptor transferring the blood

    Because I prefer not to use ING verbs when possible. Personal choice.

    This ...

    i think you should describe the "chembots" more

    Agreed. I'll make it up next rewrite.

    This ...

    mosquitoes as spies/sample collectors doesn't seem like a very logical system

    I'll stick with mosquitoes, but I appreciate the other options. Ticks and fleas move too slow for this particular idea. Plus they get stepped on, so the risk factor is likely the same.

    This ...

    yeah. 1984 was a good book, wasn't it?

    Never read it. I am not a scifi buff by any means. Read a little Asimov and got bored. I did however, love the Apple Computer commercial based on the book ...

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OYecfV3ubP8

    This ...

    why indeed

    Because the fest called for a mistake to be made. I used a few. I wanted to show even the braniacs are fallible.

    This ...

    didn't william effortlessly twist the head off one of these guys earlier

    No. He ripped the head off a small beetle-like robot.

    This ...

    why are they such "creeping, oozing, morphing" badasses now?

    Different robots. One is a small, beetle-like robot, and the other is a chembot. They serve different functions.

    This ...

    and if hypatia can simply out run their apparent lasers why didn't william go with her

    Not sure I implied that. She jumped out a back window before the chembots arrived. Had William followed, he would have attracted the chembots with him. Also, the ending is written such that we don't know if Hypatia survived or not. Had she stayed, however, the 'truth' would have been lost.

    FYI: 'outrun' is a compound verb and therefore should be written as one word.



    I appreciate the read. I'll keep these comments in mind during the rewrite.

    a
    Last edited by alex whitmer; 08-23-2008 at 01:15 PM.


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