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    #21
    Member aegriffin's Avatar
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    Conlanforever: With regard to WMFVA, yep, I'm on the board and thus all over the website. I'm sure we'll meet soon in person at some event, right?

    Krestofre: That's an interesting suggestion regarding hesitation. I was hoping the actor would naturally transmit that sense of hesitation and that the edit would lend weight to that moment without the necessity of anything having to actually be said, but more clarification in the dialogue to make that point may be the right choice here at this stage. I'll explore it along with...

    Btangonan: Really interesting thoughts. I'd certainly consider dropping the opening sequence in favor of "throwing a wrench" in it as were in order to add an extra twist. My concern would be that it could really come off more bait and switch then if I send the audience down the path of Rom Com only to come up with Serial Killer movie as a result.

    I've had more than one person (mostly actresses believe it or not) ask me if I'd ever make this movie myself. So dependent on it's status and what happens in this contest your suggestion could easily be tested out in post to see if it has the right tone struck by the end. I would try it anyhow if I were directing it.

    And I do appreciate the advice on the title but I would be lying if I also didn't mean for people to associate it with the kneejerk reaction most average folks have to guns as forebearers of violent acts. It's a sleight of hand that I'm not playing into lightly here with this story. I am glad that you did pick up on the seediness of the subtext associated with that term. I wasn't sure that'd register at all.

    But I'm also happy to consider any re-titling suggestions too. Maybe there is something more appropriate.

    I'm going to keep my thoughts on Lisa quiet for the moment because not only would that spoil it in some ways for some readers but I also feel that once a story is out there in the world, it's not really the writers to control how it's been assimilated. But I will say she is about as different as any character can get in this story and still remain realistic.

    Rats! Did I give her away too soon? ;)

    Everyone's comments, thoughts and suggestions have been very helpful and I'm trying to get to everyone's script submission in turn before voting.

    Thanks again everyone for reading and commenting!


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    #22
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    Just finished reading your screenplay. I actually really liked the opening sequence and even with alot of movies now-a-days you can tell what's going to happen in the end but it's not always a bad thing. I do agree with Harris on the "Why is this happening" but shorts are hard to fit back stories into them sometimes. Anyway all I can really say is good luck and my only complaint isn't really anything big, just every once in a while when it would take place somewhere you wouldn't put if it was inside or outside. Like I said not a real big deal.


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    #23
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    I read this one last night. I really like this script. I like the beginning. What I didnt' get was the Gym part, what did that do to move the script forward. He kind of was in different locals that thru me off, and I wasn't sure why.

    But... I usually hate (or don't like a lot) VO, but this one really worked. Your story was very easy to follow and intriguing.

    I liked the ending but not sure why he was so excited he had to kill her. Only I can guess that it was his state of mind, his character and that is good enough for me. You can't assume to know how to get into the heads of each an every character a writer develops, but I can say that this one worked, you developed it pretty well.

    Good luck with this.


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    #24
    Senior Member Russell Moore's Avatar
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    I honestly don't think anything needs to be changed as far as this script goes, but Btangonan and GGF NYC got me thinking about the opening.
    I agree you shouldn't drop it.

    But what if he had sustained some form of an injury this time around with Lisa, so he is injured and bleeding in the car. Maybe this would cause a bit more doubt about what actually happened, but still set the same tone.

    Also "This time" would be a little different.

    Just an idea. Like I said, I think the script is great the way it is.

    As far as the WMFVA, I'll be attending the PA Bootcamp and I'm going to try and make the 4 Wall this month as well.


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    #25
    Senior Member Captain Pierce's Avatar
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    OK, potential spoiler if I'm right, but... After multiple read-throughs, I got this feeling from Muggby's line about the numbness in his left arm in Scene 2, that maybe he had a heart attack or something from dragging her body into the cornfield and burying it, and that's why his arm is "unmoving" on the steering wheel in Scene 1 and why the car's still there, idling, in the final scene. So it's like this script is his final conversation with "the voices in his head," none of whom (I figured) are actually "real" people. (Well, except Lisa.) I have no idea if that's right or not, but I had to wonder...
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    #26
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    I like the mood you setup in this piece. The writing is really spare and effective, and works because the world is limited to Muggby's mind. I also wanted a little more, it feels a little like a teaser, and it sets up some questions that are left to be answered or unanswered by the audience.

    I like that you utilize the noir tool of the distrustful narrator. By using that voiceover it creates a tension and distrust with the reader, quite effectively. I get what Jason's saying about "meaning," and I don't agree, but I just want to make sure that you know what this piece means. Are we supposed to get it and have an "aha" moment in the end? I think you give just enough pieces where people will think they get it. I didn't think any of the other characters were alive, like Captain Pierce I felt they were all in his head, either voices or victims that haunt him.

    Your VO and dialogue are great. Lisa's dialogue was wonderful, and you pulled off a dreamlike Lynch quality well. I don't think I want things to neatly unfold in the end. As long as you understand it and give just enough clues for people to finally get there I'm fine with this. I just want a little more time in this universe to enjoy the flavor. I don't want that feel and flavor to dissipate, and it doesn't seem to except a little in the end as the piece comes down.

    Nice work.
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    #27
    Member aegriffin's Avatar
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    Gentlemen!

    Thank you all so much for the time and insight. So cool! Conlon, I look forward to meeting you at the next event. Please come up and say "Hi" if I don't spot you first, OK?

    To answer Detached's questions. The key to the gym sequence is two fold but it hinges on Carla's reaction. In other words, why does a physical trainer not seemingly care about symptoms that could indicate a heart attack in one of her regular clients? ;)

    And Captain, you're theory is sound although I'd never consider it from the perspective you offered. It floored me in the acknowledgment of how well that interpretation would work. It turns out that since your interpretation that you and an actor I know both have had the same idea.

    And Mr. Brody, holy cow, thank you. I appreciate your gut checking, and hopefully without an iota of brashness, I add that I wouldn't pull it if I didn't know what I was doing with it. Or at least confirm that I indeed had the script's entire design in mind when I wrote it.

    Similar to Muschong's Beached, I have an affinity to Noir style storytelling and whereas Justin prefers external conflict manifest to the plot in his stories I tend to be more internalized in the characterizations. Birds of a feather. What can I say? We work well together in our collaborations.

    So with all that said, I'll leave the key for how I at least interpreted the story (which means squat really because I'm enjoying the ideas and thoughts that everyone has shared so far,) and that is this question:

    Does Lisa exist?
    Last edited by aegriffin; 05-11-2008 at 12:09 PM.


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    #28
    Senior Member STYLZ's Avatar
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    Well, not much to add at this stage, well written, film festival material if you ask me. Anything that gets the audience leaving the theater wondering wtf. Good Job.


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    #29
    Member aegriffin's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by STYLZ View Post
    Well, not much to add at this stage, well written, film festival material if you ask me. Anything that gets the audience leaving the theater wondering wtf. Good Job.
    Thanks kindly, sir! In a year that left us with most audiences saying, "WTF!?" at the end of No Country for Old Men, I may stand half a chance of being produced. ;)

    Depending on the outcome of this fest and it's considerations, I'd have no problem if anyone else in this forum felt so moved into producing it for themselves.

    All I'd humbly request is that my name be spelled correctly for once. ;)


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    #30
    Senior Member seansshack's Avatar
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    Being a fan of Shawshank, I believe that voice over works when done well. It works here. You keep it short, sweet and to the point.

    Nice visual/movie style to this, with the rapid moving from scene to scene. Short and sweet story too. Not much time or scene wastage. Not sure of the ending or end line though. We get a good idea of what has happened, but left with some doubt (unless this is intended, we might need some more detail).

    The end line didn't sound right to me. Maybe it's because he suddenly appears well spoken. Perhaps a "me and her"... Not sure.

    Structure and formatting are good. Would take out the contact details at the end of the script. A simple fade to black will do and stick you contact stuff on page 1.

    But overall, good work and best of luck with it.

    On an off note. Took a look at your website and reel. Well done.


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