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    #11
    Senior Member jasonthewho's Avatar
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    I thought this was a really well written short. I thought it was very cinematic to spread his telling of the story among a number of characters, however, the introduction of so many characters also seemed unnecessary and extraneous. The opening image is compelling, but I expected more of a surprise ending to pay it off.

    You're definitely a good writer, but there's not much of a point to your film. It doesn't say anything. It's clever, but in the end, meaningless. I'd love to see you try to work on that aspect in your next short. Good work and good luck!


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    #12
    Member aegriffin's Avatar
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    Thanks for reading, Jason. I am humbled by the compliments and agree that the number of characters in such a short script seems a bit extreme but it was done with purpose and intent.

    I also appreciate your opinion but respectfully disagree with your assessment of the story being "meaningless" unless of course you consider western civilization's objectification of women and subserviance to image over substance as not having much value as social commentary.

    That could just be me though. ;)


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    #13
    Member aegriffin's Avatar
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    For the record, folks, Justin's a good friend of mine and fellow screenwriter collaborator on several of our short films.

    This is however the first time I've read a critique of this short from him and it strikes me now at how obviously he knows what I'm trying to do here with this script.

    Justin! Don't give it all away! ;)
    Last edited by aegriffin; 05-05-2008 at 06:23 AM. Reason: mispellings...


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    #14
    Member aegriffin's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mark Harris View Post
    Suggestion: Why are we watching this event in this guy's life, esp if he's done it before? Why not a short about one that makes him doubt himself? So he has something to fight through, rather than just re-counting what he's done. It feels a little like a screenwriter going: "Gotcha!" instead of a character doing what he does. And trust me that comes out of my own experience, because I've been guilty of the same, and it could be said that my entry is guilty of the same.
    Mr. Harris! Thanks for reading, sir!

    All I can add to your suggestion is: RATS! I'd hoped I'd done just that with this story. Maybe it's tone is a bit too prosaic after all or maybe too short to have a significant emotional impact with any realistic attachment to the Muggby character.

    Or maybe too clever. Can I agree with that and not sound like a complete and utter jerk? ;)

    I get what your driving at here though and so I'd love to hear from anyone any suggestions that would clarify that this "one time" is somehow different for Muggby and "Lisa" than the other times.

    Peace!


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    #15
    Member aegriffin's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Michael Anthony Horrigan View Post
    Nice work. I also agree that I wanted a little more from this one, which isn't a bad thing.

    You definitely caught my attention. Fleshing it out a bit more might really take it to the next level.

    Nice work.

    Mike
    Thank you, Mr. Horrigan! Duly noted, sir.


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    #16
    Senior Member Russell Moore's Avatar
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    I liked how Muggby (I like his name) told the story throughout with the different characters, I thought it worked. I liked the dialogue as well.

    I assumed also that he has gone through this whole scenario repeatedly and whacked a lot of "Lisa's" The only part that made me question this was his conversation with Doug. They're pals and have lunch together often, is this the first time he's mentioned a Lisa? Unless its not always Lisa (in name anyway).
    But if they're buddies and this is a cycle for Muggby, then I would expect Doug might be suspicious about his buddy.
    But it is a short and not everything can be explained completely.

    I think you nailed classic pychopathic thinking from Muggby, she's studying me, she approaches me, she embarrasses me, she's tugging on my ear, geez this girls practically asking for it. What's a guy supposed to do, but whack her and bury her in a cornfield.

    I liked this story a lot and read it more than once.


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    #17
    Member aegriffin's Avatar
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    Conlanforever!

    We can't possiblly be this close to each other (I'm in Grand Rapids) and we've not met before. Have we met?

    I co+directed Thriller! Chiller! year one there at the Frauenthal.

    And thank you kindly for taking the time to read this. Please explain to folks about lake effect and how it messes with everyone around here, will ya? ;)


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    #18
    Senior Member Russell Moore's Avatar
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    I don't believe we've met, I'm pretty much just getting my feet wet, so I am fairly new to the whole film making community. I just recently joined WMFVA and I think I saw your name on the site somewhere.
    Lake effect....ugh lol

    Lake effect = miserable


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    #19
    Knight of the Holy Order krestofre's Avatar
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    Nice script. Very tightly written. My favorite part by far was the juxtaposition of Muggby's dialog "Every where I went she'd be there" vs. the images on the screen of him obviously stalking her. Very well done.

    I do think Mark has a point about bringing a little more meaning to the event. Maybe is Lisa just said one thing to Muggby to make him hesitate, even for an instant, and he could tell the psychiatrist "For a minute there, I thought better of it." or something like that. It might elevate the script just a touch higher than it already is.
    Chris Johnson


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    #20
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    I enjoyed this script. The descriptions were crisp and illustrative. The dialog was snappy and transitioned seamlessly from scene to scene, character to character. Like kresto, my favorite part was Muggby lying about being stalked, when in reality he is a stalker.

    A couple of thoughts. As evocative and engaging as the intro is, I think it would be better to leave it out because it gives too much away, making the ending predictable about halfway through. If you leave the intro out, the scene at the gym would play almost like a light, romantic drama (in the vein of a hugh grant movie) but as the story went on, the audience would get kernels of information that hinted at something far more sinister and sordid lurking beneath the veneer of light-hearted romance. The ending would have a much bigger impact that way (I know, bigger isn't necessarily better, but here I think it would be an improvement). I just love movies that shift genres halfway and completely flip your lid.

    Another comment: I'm not in love with the title. It's eye-catching and does pertain to the sexual seediness of the story. But it makes me think of a gunshot and I was a little let down to discover that there's no gun in the script (unless he kills the women with a gun, in which case I do like the title but think you should make it clearer that he shoots them). I don't have any specific alternatives to suggest, but maybe something about the pattern of psychosis and the serial nature of the crime. Or the fact that Muggby has to tell other people pseudo-confessions as part of his sexual fantasy.

    I also want to echo the sentiment of another member who said she would like to have seen something different happen with Lisa. Something that would have thrown a wrench into an otherwise routine murder for Muggby (which, contrary to what others have said, is a great name for the main character).


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