Here's the official link to my scriptfest entry. It's a quick and engaging 5 page read if I do say so myself, and many thanks to DVXuser.com for arranging this opportunity for us all!
Also, for anyone into the sound and story theory of screenwriting, here's a terrific little tune from Brad Sucks that seemed to fit the script's mood perfectly after it was written. Like the script, it's creative commons as well so feel free to download and listen without prejudice.
The script has already gotten a wildly provocative response from fellow filmmaker pals here in Grand Rapids, Michigan and I'm looking forward to what folks I've not met yet think/feel about it. Many thanks in advance to all those that spend time reading it for their sincere thoughts if they care to share.
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05-04-2008 09:11 AM
05-04-2008 09:24 AM
Muggby is a strange enough name that you either need to explain it or change it to something less ridiculous.
“what am I supposed to say to someone like her when someone like her says something like that?” great line.
“He pulls back gently, freeing himself from a hungry tug” is a strange sentence that took me a while to understand.
I like the idea of it cutting between him telling the same story to different listeners but this story didn’t work for me as I simply didn’t understand the ending. Why did he kill her? Unless I missed some obvious glaring detail, i think this could greatly benefit from being fleshed out a little more.
05-04-2008 09:33 AM
Thanks for the thoughts, Ian!
With regard to his name, Muggby is not meant to be taken too seriously for a reason. ;) I feel a script's genre shouldn't have to be identified to have context. It should first have enough grit in it to be enjoyed as a story and then latter it can be dissected if it moves a person to go that far into subtext in my humble opinion.
As for fleshing it out, another pal suggested this would be an interesting start to a feature although I'm not sure I'd want to take it that far yet.
Where in Michigan are you from?
Last edited by aegriffin; 05-04-2008 at 09:56 AM. Reason: script genre reasons
05-04-2008 02:12 PM
There are a bunch of great moments in this script, and I think you get the emotions and action across just right. It struck me as very cinematic writing, something I need to work on myself. I liked the way the script moves from the counselor's office to the country road/cornfield--it was a great way to use voice-over dialog. Subtle enough that it didn't interfere with the visual images.
Great dialog, and just the right amount. The script kind of takes a turn to darkness at the porn shop and I was in suspense from then to the end.
05-04-2008 02:50 PM
Wow! I am humbled. Thank you, Mr. LaBonney.
I'm really digging this site you all have here. I'm looking forward to what you all do with the magazine and how it all ties together.
05-04-2008 03:05 PM
This is not necessarily a criticism, just an observation: I have a feeling that I got where you wanted me eventually, but that it probably took a lot longer than you expected. That's probably just me; I tend to need a few more dots to connect than a lot of people do. And I understand that adding any extra "dots" would take away from the "quick and engaging" thing that you were going for.
I do think this would make an intriguing short.The Plinkett Equation:
TOS16 + TNG5 + DS94 + VOY11 + ENT 8
__________________________________________________ = History is changing every 23 millionths of a second
F649 + Alp987 + Bet934 + Gam764 + Del837 * 100,000,000,000
05-04-2008 03:23 PM
Thanks for reading it, Captain.
I've learned - in order to get produced at times - that less is more when it comes to "selling" a vision. So if the script happens to inspire a complete stranger into taking the ride into getting this one onto the screen then I've done my job as a screenwriter I feel.
Much respect to all, because I've read some intriguing work here already, but it is a competition afterall and I want to do my best to win it. ;)
05-04-2008 06:13 PM
I've read this short several times now, and I enjoy it more and more each time I read it. (Maybe that says something about me.) My interpretation of the story is that for Muggby, there is more than one Lisa. In fact, he keeps running into various Lisas and always ends up killing them. Because he's a psychopath (it's a short, we don't need any more motivation than that). I get this from the "Every time" lines and the feeling that with each person he speaks with, he's talking about a different Lisa. If I were to make any suggestions, it would be to make this clearer. Something at the end that would clue the audience in: Yes, this is a pattern. Perhaps there could be a moment where Lisa suddenly becomes a completely different person, yet they're in the same position.
On the other hand, this could completely kill the short. Also, maybe that's not what you were going for.
Keeping it vague and up-in-the-air is part of what I like about this. How much is in Muggby's head (the ol' unreliable narrator) and how much is real? "Buy this for me" is brilliant, only to be topped by "Buy this for me and I'll let you watch."This screenwriter for hire.
05-04-2008 07:29 PM
This is my kind of short. Dirty, low-lifes doing nasty s*%t.
I think it was really well written, but honestly too short. I loved, loved, loved how you tease us with basically every guy's fantasy, and then turn the tables into only a few guys' fantasy.
Suggestion: Why are we watching this event in this guy's life, esp if he's done it before? Why not a short about one that makes him doubt himself? So he has something to fight through, rather than just re-counting what he's done. It feels a little like a screenwriter going: "Gotcha!" instead of a character doing what he does. And trust me that comes out of my own experience, because I've been guilty of the same, and it could be said that my entry is guilty of the same.
You are clearly good at writing in a cinematic way and in getting good, compelling images up, but I think you could challenge it more and dig more out of it.
Just some thoughts. Good work!
05-04-2008 08:05 PM
Nice work. I also agree that I wanted a little more from this one, which isn't a bad thing.
You definitely caught my attention. Fleshing it out a bit more might really take it to the next level.