Thread: Strangers

Page 2 of 3 FirstFirst 123 LastLast
Results 11 to 20 of 22
  1. Collapse Details
    #11
    Default
    Thanks for the critique Conlan.

    What I really wanted to show here was how we as humans tend to forget about things in our lives so quickly. I don't know how many times I have been affected by a great tragedy, told myself I will never forget it, then promptly forgotten it. I wanted to show how Jacob wanted to test himself as an aggressor so he picked a random fight, then within an hour or so had forgotten all about any guilt or nervousness he had. I wanted to raise questions with what makes us as humans capable of forgetting traumatic events or even sometimes finding something enjoyable in them.

    Thanks for taking the time to respond though, I really appreciate it.


    Reply With Quote
     

  2. Collapse Details
    #12
    Senior Member Russell Moore's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    Location
    West Michigan
    Posts
    727
    Default
    I can definitely relate to that sentiment, it seems that we as people certainly tend to have short memories even for the most tragic of events.


    Reply With Quote
     

  3. Collapse Details
    #13
    Senior Member STYLZ's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Location
    Las Vegas, Nv
    Posts
    551
    Default
    OK, few nitpicks. I think the army gets at least 2 years out of ya. I was a marine, marines get at least 4. 1 year doesn't seem realistic.

    The flash forward scene in the mirror doesn't seem to fit with this piece.
    100 hundred push ups in that conversation seems like too many.
    I also find it hard to believe Mary is picking up crazy beaten men off the street to sleep with them.

    OK, great little story, good dialog, really good characters. Really enjoyed this.


    Reply With Quote
     

  4. Collapse Details
    #14
    Knight of the Holy Order krestofre's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2004
    Location
    Springfield, MO
    Posts
    2,707
    Default
    I think the critiques in this thread are some of the strongest and most pointed of the entire festival. I agree with them and echo them.

    But, as I was reading it I never considered a single one of them. While I was reading the script, you had all of my attention and that says a lot.

    The other stuff only came up after the emotional impact had settled.
    Chris Johnson


    Reply With Quote
     

  5. Collapse Details
    #15
    Default
    Hey thanks so much for taking the time to give me your thoughts guys, I really appreciate it.

    OK, few nitpicks. I think the army gets at least 2 years out of ya. I was a marine, marines get at least 4. 1 year doesn't seem realistic.
    I should have done my research. I am still playing with whether it is reserves, or army, or what not. I know my roommates brother is serving a year in the reserves but then my hair line wouldn't work...hmmm, I'll do some research. Thanks for pointing it out though.

    I think the critiques in this thread are some of the strongest and most pointed of the entire festival. I agree with them and echo them.
    I know, people have been really awesome helping me with this script. All the fine tuning helps a ton.

    While I was reading the script, you had all of my attention and that says a lot.
    Thanks again.

    Overall, thank you guys so much for taking the time to read and comment on my script. I've just finished reading and taking notes on all the scripts so I will slowly make my way around with comments.

    Thanks!


    Reply With Quote
     

  6. Collapse Details
    #16
    Senior Member Captain Pierce's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Location
    I'm from Iowa--I only work in outer space
    Posts
    1,483
    Default
    You do a two-year, four-year, or even six-year enlistment for active duty, but typically a tour in Iraq or Afghanistan is one year, so I guess I just assumed that's what he was referring to. Particularly since he's a reservist--a friend of mine's wife got called up in the Guard, and that's the way it worked for her, a year in (well, technically 15 months, since she got called up when they were extending the tours) and then back to the usual Guard/Reserve thing.
    The Plinkett Equation:

    TOS16 + TNG5 + DS94 + VOY11 + ENT 8
    __________________________________________________ = History is changing every 23 millionths of a second

    F649 + Alp987 + Bet934 + Gam764 + Del837 * 100,000,000,000


    Reply With Quote
     

  7. Collapse Details
    #17
    Senior Member STYLZ's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Location
    Las Vegas, Nv
    Posts
    551
    Default
    yeah but this guy gas got to go to basic first. Thats 2 month right there. Although its not mentioned he would have to go to other training as well. MOS training. Another couple months . Just something to consider if/when this is made.


    Reply With Quote
     

  8. Collapse Details
    #18
    Senior Member Captain Pierce's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Location
    I'm from Iowa--I only work in outer space
    Posts
    1,483
    Default
    Not if he's already in the reserve--he would have had that done already, right? I think that may be the biggest problem with the terminology in the script--it wouldn't be the "bus for basic" leaving the next morning, it would be the bus for wherever the reserve unit was being assembled.
    The Plinkett Equation:

    TOS16 + TNG5 + DS94 + VOY11 + ENT 8
    __________________________________________________ = History is changing every 23 millionths of a second

    F649 + Alp987 + Bet934 + Gam764 + Del837 * 100,000,000,000


    Reply With Quote
     

  9. Collapse Details
    #19
    Default
    Wow, thanks for the tips guys. I figure if/when this gets made I would emphasize the fact that he is going on tour in a different way then "bus for basic." Maybe something to do with the envelope or maybe even be more specific about what program he is in. Thanks for the info though guys, it's really helpful.


    Reply With Quote
     

  10. Collapse Details
    #20
    Senior Member cbln's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Location
    Southern California
    Posts
    175
    Default
    Great job. Wonderful.

    You've had some good feedback here.

    There's not a script here that wouldn't benefit from a rewrite before shooting. That said, your script really intrigued me every step of the way because it raised questions. I found the characters complex and believable. I'm a woman and the way you wrote this, I totally bought that she took him in. She's a nurse, she knows how to fix him up, he's hurt, the letter's been opened so she knows what's up. But she can't figure out why he did what he did but she senses that he's not just some thug.

    She's actually an interesting character because she's brave enough to take what could be a risk.

    The hardest thing to do in a short script is make people feel something. The way you've chosen to structure this, the elements like the desperation in his pushups, you've handled this in a remarkably sophisticated way for someone with the handle of "smashedburrito." This little short script felt both believable and yet also a timeless comment on war and the effect it has on people -- even before they hit the battlefield.

    Well done.
    Last edited by cbln; 05-19-2008 at 10:49 PM.


    Reply With Quote
     

Page 2 of 3 FirstFirst 123 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •