Thread: Endgame

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    #21
    Senior Member alex whitmer's Avatar
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    Well, it opens on a big hunk of action. Maybe split that up.

    Need a change of slug here …

    He sets the bag of food down on the passenger seat, and his
    hand lingers over the cell phone laying there.

    This …

    … we see on the phone screen that he's calling someone
    named "Marie." We HEAR the phone …

    Directing on the page. Lose them all.

    This …

    MARIE (V.O.)
    Hi, this is Marie's phone. Leave
    her a message and she'll call you
    back.

    HARNEY
    Hey, it's me.

    Indicate this is a phone call. MARIE (VIA PHONE), or something like that. It’s not technically a V.O.

    Also, weird way to have the message.

    This is funny …

    And now that he's called, he has absolutely no idea what to
    say.

    Been there!

    This …

    HARNEY (CONT'D)

    I’d replace the CONT’D with PHONE.

    This …

    And he looks significantly at the envelope …

    Can’t say I have ever heard significantly used that way. Maybe 'with concern', or 'with a sense of importance'.

    This …

    While this means nothing to us, it clearly means a lot to
    Harney.

    Assuming Harney is your protag, the audience is supposed to experience the film through him, so it should mean to the audience what it means to Harney.

    Page 2

    ... contrasting with the busy street that Harney has just entered

    Don’t you mean just left?

    Don’t do this …

    (Unmarked would be fine, but dashboard lights and a siren would be good to help suggest that they're police.)

    This is a blueprint for a film, so tell the Director / Producer, and Set Designers what you envision.

    This …

    longish dirt driveway

    Longish is not a word, so save it for dialogue. Also, be specific. It’s long, or it’s not. Pre-prod will be driving all over the planet looking for a ‘longish’ driveway!!

    This …

    …though well set back from the road.

    If it’s a longish driveway, this would be automatic.

    This …

    but it should still look like someone could live there.

    It should or it does? You are the creator, you decide.

    This …

    It would be nice if this could look like a police car inside,

    I guess this happens all the way through. I won’t bring it up again. Need to lose all that stuff and write it as you want, not as ‘it would be nice if’. This whole bit has me so busy, I have lost track of the story. I need to read everything 3 times to extract what’s happening beyond the writer’s wish list.

    Page 3

    This is funny …

    "guy-next-door" serial killer,

    The garden variety serial killer next door?!

    This is even funnier …

    Standard issue blonde

    Way funny. Paris H comes to mind.

    Page 4

    Nice exchange …

    REPORTER
    Hey--you can't say that on TV!

    MONTANARO
    That's the idea.

    This …

    By this time, Pineda's on the job ...

    Who is Pineda? Have we already met him or her?

    Page 5

    No need to cap this once he has been introduced …

    DETECTIVE TODD HARNEY

    This …

    the cop secures his weapon and starts up the ladder.

    But I thought they already said ‘all clear’? Did they not check the loft?

    Page 6

    one of his feet hits a booby trap of some sort

    Some sort? Can you be more specific?

    This ..

    who's been expecting this along.

    Should be all along.

    This …

    He quickly unlocks his ankle restraints, then
    his handcuffs, and is out the door just as Harney is getting
    back to his feet and drawing his gun.

    What?!! Where is the SWAT team? Where are the police? When did Harney get knocked down?

    This is so not realistic. Sorry.

    This …

    makes it to another building is followed by this on page 7 …

    (gestures at the shed)

    So, is it a non-descript building or a shed?

    Page 7

    ... behind the same piece of abandoned farm machinery or old pickup truck …

    Pick one. You’re making me work way too hard here.

    This …

    looks a lot like a guy in an orange jumpsuit running out a
    side door, heading in a direction that will take him down
    behind the barn.

    First of all, this is SWAT. The building would be surrounded. Second, ‘looks a lot like a guy in an orange jumpsuit’ … so what else might it be? Jimmy Carter's killer rabbit?

    Page 8

    MONTANARO (V.O.)
    All right, people, let's get this
    sniper.

    We see the police all bringing their guns to bear and OPENING
    FIRE on the shed.

    This would have already commenced.

    Page 9

    Showing Harney chasing Eggers through a variety of brush,
    weeds, old buildings, and abandoned farm machinery and cars.

    So, he’s chasing this guy through the middle of a gun fight? What is SWAT doing?

    Page 9

    Harney gets close enough to tackle Eggers

    If he’s that close, the just say he tackles him. ‘Close enough’ is superfluous.

    This …

    … the cops taking up positions around Eggers

    Finally!

    Should I assume Marie is his wife to whom he referred as ‘may have cost him his marriage’?

    Well, I like that you brought that envelope scene in to wrap this up. Nice touch, like he knew this all might go down.

    There is definitely a story in here, but it’s buried under so much information that just doesn’t belong in a script. There is also a lot of situations that are just not believable.

    I can see this being developed into a feature pretty easily.

    I think the title fits the story perfectly.

    Alex

    www.alexwhitmer.wordpress.com

    www.guerro.wordpress.com

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    Last edited by alex whitmer; 05-13-2008 at 09:17 PM.


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    #22
    Senior Member Captain Pierce's Avatar
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    As always, good points, Alex. I'm going to quibble with just a couple of them.

    This …

    HARNEY (CONT'D)

    I’d replace the CONT’D with PHONE.
    Well, the "cont'd" was an automatic thing from Movie Magic, I tend not to mess with those cause I figure the software's smarter than I am. But should his really technically be ID'd as "phone" since we're not hearing him over the phone?

    Page 2

    ... contrasting with the busy street that Harney has just entered

    Don’t you mean just left?
    No, Harney has just pulled out into traffic from the parking lot he was in. We as the audience have just left it.

    This …

    He quickly unlocks his ankle restraints, then
    his handcuffs, and is out the door just as Harney is getting
    back to his feet and drawing his gun.

    What?!! Where is the SWAT team? Where are the police? When did Harney get knocked down?

    This is so not realistic. Sorry.
    Well, the idea is that all the cops have dived (dove?) for cover, and that those who were looking in the direction of the "flash-bang" are somewhat stunned and disoriented. Eggers, expecting it, is able to take full advantage of the diversion. I'll grant you that it's not the most realistic scenario ever intended to be committed to film or video; but really, how realistic is it that they're even doing this in the first place? Just about every recent cop show has done this sort of episode, taking the serial killer out to show them where he buried the bodies, but would this ever happen in real life? Given that we're already in a somewhat unrealistic scenario, I don't see that him escaping is that much more unrealistic. That said, this part of it did come to me all in one big flash, so maybe I'm too sold on it. I'll try to step back and reconsider.

    Page 8

    MONTANARO (V.O.)
    All right, people, let's get this
    sniper.

    We see the police all bringing their guns to bear and OPENING
    FIRE on the shed.

    This would have already commenced.
    I wasn't sure of how much of a "free-fire" policy the police work on, so I erred on the side of caution.

    You've given me a lot to think about (as I knew you would), and I appreciate it.
    The Plinkett Equation:

    TOS16 + TNG5 + DS94 + VOY11 + ENT 8
    __________________________________________________ = History is changing every 23 millionths of a second

    F649 + Alp987 + Bet934 + Gam764 + Del837 * 100,000,000,000


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    #23
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    Captain Pierce,

    Thanks for commenting on Charlie and Claire and sorry it’s taken me awhile to get to your script.

    I think you have an exciting action piece here. And the characters are interesting. I thought the idea that Eggers wanted to inflict more damage on his victims’ families by revealing the bodies was an interesting one.

    So for rewrites…

    I know you know that you’ve over-described in the action/description paragraphs, and that submitting to anyone outside of the Scriptfest, you’d pare things down, so that’s cool.

    I think you might focus your rewrites on plausibility issues…

    When I see the press arrive at a crime scene I need some explanation as to how they got tipped off. I rarely believe it when the press shows up, and often I feel like their presence adds convenient conflict to a script but is not really motivated and/or needed.

    I find it hard to believe that a SWAT team member would fall victim to a booby trap of this nature. I could believe that they might not be prepared for a sniper, but not a booby trap.

    Even if they did fall victim to a booby trap, I think they’d regroup quickly enough to prevent Eggers from getting free. I didn’t believe he could unlock himself and run away. Maybe if the sniper was peppering them with machine gun fire at the same time, but then if he/she was, I think another SWAT member would be on him/her pretty damn quickly.

    Harney’s resignation seemed unmotivated to me. I didn’t get enough information to show me that he was really at the end of his rope.

    Apart from these issues, Endgame was exciting to read, and your action was dynamic. Good job.

    - Jeff L.


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    #24
    Senior Member Captain Pierce's Avatar
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    Thanks for reading, Jeff. The more i look back at it, the less happy I am with the combination of booby trap and sniper, I think I have to go all the way with one or the other.
    The Plinkett Equation:

    TOS16 + TNG5 + DS94 + VOY11 + ENT 8
    __________________________________________________ = History is changing every 23 millionths of a second

    F649 + Alp987 + Bet934 + Gam764 + Del837 * 100,000,000,000


    Reply With Quote
     

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