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    #11
    Mod v2.0 Noel Evans's Avatar
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    Ian I liked your idea and overall story. Some of the components as he goes through the desert were great. I could feel exactly what he was.

    There are some faux pars so to speak and I hope you dont mind that I have pointed some out. Some are just points for consideration. These are the main ones I saw, but there were a few more.

    Notes - Winslow has no description, he could be dressed in a dress for all we know. Thats being silly of course, but the character descriptions overall need some more.

    Instead of picking up the gold he dropped - serves no purpose. He steps over the gold... I really wanted to point that one out because rules were 5-10 pages and you went over which essentially disqualifies you. But this could easily be made to fit.

    He grins for no visible reason. - He grins.

    He doesnt even notice the town, looming high on the horizon. - He doesnt even notice the town that looms high on the horizon. Unless you actually meant Winslow is looming high on the horizon.

    Stops to take a long drink from a horse trough before continuing on. - Stops to take a long drink from a horse trough before he continues on.

    No sooner does Winslow undo the tether, and throw his leg
    over the saddle then Sherzer steps up and casually pistol
    whips him right off. Grammer is a bit weird here.

    consciousness slipping away - when you use the ing form here you are using it as a continuous form. The action happens now so it should not be continuous - simply - His consciousness slips away. Theres a few examples of this. Another one is "Winslow stares through the bars at Sherzer, his eyes pleading." His eyes plead.

    Again I enjoyed reading it. Would love to see some polish on it. And I agree totally with btangoman.
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    #12
    Senior Member arroway's Avatar
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    It's also probably due to a lack of adequate time to rewrite but the structural use of "continues" from page to page is inconsistent. Quite frankly, it's distracting and unneccesary to use those anymore, and if you wrote it in Final Draft you can turn this feature off.
    yeah, they're also the reason my script went over the page limit. i don't know what i pressed to make them appear, or if it happened in the pdf conversion, but originally they weren't there and i didn't notice them until it was too late...

    Lastly, in the great tradition of dark heroes in iconic westerns such as the movies Clint Eastwood made famous, I humbly offer that you totally eliminate about 90% of Winslow's dialogue.
    good advice. i agree.

    Maybe you could consider using flashbacks or a non linear structure to tell this story.
    also good advice.

    I don't know how I feel about Conrad getting shot and then pistol whipped. Shooting him, especially in those times, seems like it would probably just kill him. Maybe just the pistol whip.
    very true.


    Notes - Winslow has no description, he could be dressed in a dress for all we know. Thats being silly of course, but the character descriptions overall need some more.
    indeed.




    thanks for reading everyone! i appreciate it. i hope there's more script contests in the near future.


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