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    TAG by Jason Spinos
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    Senior Member jasonthewho's Avatar
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    TAG

    Written by Jason Spinos


    The story of two old friends, trying desperately to kill each other.

    Read it here
    Last edited by jasonthewho; 05-06-2008 at 07:33 PM.


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    Senior Member Nektonic's Avatar
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    Sounds like fun. Looking forward to reading this one.


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    Senior Member Russell Moore's Avatar
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    I really like this logline, I actually had to laugh, because the second half was completely unexpected. Looking forward to reading this.


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    Senior Member jasonthewho's Avatar
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    Thanks guys! I hope you like it.


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    Senior Member mentatDUKE's Avatar
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    Jason, this was really good. I loved the structure. Present day chase mixed with flashbacks going further and further into the boys' past. A great take on the diametrically opposed friends story. I think your decision to tell the story via action rather than an overabundance of dialog was a good one. Felt like an episode of Lost. And I love Lost.

    Great job.


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    Senior Member jasonthewho's Avatar
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    Thanks mentatDUKE! I absolutely adore Lost, so that is the greatest compliment you could bestow upon me!


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    Senior Member Russell Moore's Avatar
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    I enjoyed reading this script and I agree, I really liked the structure with the flashbacks and how they progressed.

    One minor thing that stood out for me in the dialogue. The characters (especially Jacob) use their names a lot more than I think can be considered authentic. There are a couple sequences where Jacob says Caleb's name repeatedly.

    But thats a minor quibble, overall I really liked it, especially how you wrapped it up at the end.


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    Senior Member STYLZ's Avatar
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    Hmm. Nice short script. Real easy read. The ending left something to be desired for me. I would of preferred we see or hear whether or not Caleb killed Jacob. That might already of been implied though. I guess I don't understand the motive to kill each other either. Because one is a cop and one a dealer? Arrest him but don't kill him. But people might not question this. Once again still a really solid story. Easy fun read. Thanks for sharing.


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    Senior Member seansshack's Avatar
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    Would shorten the action and descriptions (especially at the start) - most of the script it's OK, but a couple of spots are too long and wordy. Also avoid using the same word too close together, especially when referring to characters. Just makes it easier for the reader. Example is first paragraph - he...he pulls back...he. Use Jacob in one or two places and it will read smoother.

    I liked the structure. How it moved around in time. Would have liked a different lead up to the ending. The flashback to being kids worked well, but the scene before that didn't work for me. I think I wanted to know if Caleb killed him.

    Also I might remove or or two uses of their names as they talk to each other. Important to spell out who they are to the reader, but seemed to do it too much in a couple of scenes.

    Overall a good story that is told very well (visually) and the way you change time works well and leaves you thinking at the end. They would always be friends, except life got in the way.

    But enjoyed the read and best of luck with it.


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    Senior Member jasonthewho's Avatar
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    Thanks to everyone who's read and commented! Very valid criticisms all around.


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